Even with the best intentions at heart, sometimes things don’t turn out the way we expect. Even with the most love given, some don’t want or need what you have to offer. It’s hard not to ponder why, or what you did wrong, how to fix it or what didn’t belong. The pain lingers in your heart of a bond that has been broken. The silence of letting go is much more painful than the hurtful words spoken. As I look up to Him trying to remember His plan is already in motion. To trust fully in Him, for sometimes setting one free is needed for full blossom. That people grow best when watered with love, and can only bloom when trust is placed completely in The One above…
Month: August 2016
Silence…Silence…
Mmmmm…I stumbled on this saved draft in my notes today. Now, I don’t even remember what I was looking for. But I do remember this. This time. The first time having a panic attack. The journey of the past year and a half of changing how I think in order to change how I feel. Thank you God for being there every step, through the darkness and the muck and depression and anxiety.
I’m not even sure where to start…the past couple weeks have been trying to say the least.Chewing over personal things, doubting everything, searching for answers, just muddling through…
Pretty sure I had a panic attack last Saturday. Pretty sure I have withdrawn since then. Seems there is always something challenging my spirit, my state of mind, my approach…
I’ve been marinating on a lot of things lately…that is hard in itself. It is hard to dig things up you’ve buried, feelings you’ve hidden, emotions you’ve denied for so long.
That leads me to replay this in my head over and over: we feel how we feel because we think how we think…that rings so true to me in so many ways. We have a lot of control over how we feel. How we react or don’t react. We have control over our choices, our responses, our attitudes. But how do you introduce yourself on how to feel about those things that you thought you let go of so long ago? How to feel about situations out of your control but somehow you had to swallow and tell yourself not to feel to get through it?
As a child, that moment where you close your eyes and pray with all your might for the darkness to recede…that flash where you’re stuck between reality and the moment and your fear and you cling so tightly to anything just to catch your breath…
How after so many years of tucking it away, it comes to surface and all of a sudden you find yourself choking on remorse and guilt and hurt and shame and fear? How? How do you swallow things you had no control over, but controlled you in so many ways for so long? How? How as an adult do you feel so childlike when it comes to addressing your fears? Identifying your fears? Talking to your fears? It’s terrifying. Fear is terrifying.
In a lot of thought recently, I have found that I am one to put aside my own feelings to satisfy another. I’m one that doesn’t focus on my own needs, but everyone else’s. I believe that’s good. Most of the time. In my thinking I’ve also come to realize that not always is it right to squash your own feelings. It’s not good for yourself or for whom or what you may be feeling about. But then I kick myself…we feel how we feel because we think how we think…shoot. So am I to not feel? Am I to think myself into not feeling? Am I not to think about the things that have hurt me so that I don’t have to feel about them? Am I to force feelings that aren’t there because I think that’s the right thing to do? Am I to mask the numbness that has overcome me because I’m not supposed to feel it?
Matters of the heart and mind can be so confusing and complex. Matters of the heart that want to feel but just can’t…yet.
Time is of the essence. Time can heal. But I also believe time spent hiding from your emotions can hurt. That’s my defense mechanism. Hiding. Glazing over. Pretending. Going on as if nothing has happened. Sucking it up whether it’s right or not. Looking back, it seems I probably learned that early on in my life. I also believe the gentleness of my heart is owed to trials suffered from the beginning. I also believe I have a switch I flip to defend myself in times of hurt and pain and grief. Yep. I just shut myself off. Off. Like a light. Dark. It’s horrible. Swimming in darkness. Surrounding myself with numbness till it goes away, or so I think. Then in one instance it all explodes around me. A million pieces of my heart everywhere. Bam. What a mess. How do you clean that up? How do you repair that? How? How I ask? How? Piece by piece? Moment by moment? One thing at a time? How, I scream? Hooooooowwwww?????
Never do I want to feel like this about anyone or anything. Never do I want relationships to fail or break or be torn apart. Never do I want my stillness, my offness, my quietness to be mistaken for uncaringness…that’s not it. I care. I care too much to say the wrong thing, to say things out of that raw emotion that could hurt or destroy. Also understanding that my silence could have the same result….which is not my intention, but sometimes necessary. In my silence I realize the things I’ve said that hurt…in my silence I realize things I’ve done not so right…in my silence I play over and over again moments I’d like to change, moments that went wrong, moments I don’t want to relive but have to…in my silence, I cry till I can no more…In my silence I realize the noise is too loud…in my silence, I realize the noise is what is getting to me. Silence. Allowing time for restoration. Silence. Shhhhhhhhhhh…Silence…hear that? Nothing. Silence. Silence.
Amazing, sometimes if we just be quiet long enough to hear…in silence, I come to find the answer most needed. In silence I chew on the feelings of anger and hurt till they don’t taste so bitter. In silence I find things out about myself I didn’t know…In silence, I restore my heart back to new so I can try again. In silence, I withdraw, yet am really just soaking…soaking in silence…soaking it all in to process…in silence, my heart is hurting, but I’m working on mending it…in silence, I pull away, no doubt I hide, no doubt I withdraw, no doubt I disappear inside myself, no doubt I bury myself in what’s good…so I can face what put me here in the first place. The noise. So I can face the noise. The noise. The clutter. The messes of the heart. Some messes of our own fault, and some not so much. Whatever the noise may be….our hearts are amazing vessels…uncovering the many layers of one’s heart…the messes, the triumphs, the joys, the pain, the adoration, the tears, the rejection, the grief, the failure, the accomplishments…sometimes it’s the noise that grabs us…sometimes it’s the silence…
In times like this where I’m teetering on the edge of depression, fighting sanity, searching for clarity, in times where the silence is deafening and the noise is too loud, I collapse. I fall. I surrender. I exhale. I find scripture. I read it. I gasp for air. I breathe. I feel. Or I don’t feel. I heal. I mend. Or at least try. I know, if it were only that easy somedays. Somedays gasping for air is all I can do…
But that’s ok.
It’s ok to feel like that. Smothered. Surrounded by noise. It’s a part of us. Noise. Silence. Love. Dislike. Emotion. Life.
In my devotion today, one of the verses to look up was Psalms143:7…Psalm143:4-12New International Version (NIV)
4 So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed. 5 I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done. 6 I spread out my hands to you; I thirst for you like a parched land.[a] 7 Answer me quickly, Lord; my spirit fails.Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. 8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life. 9 Rescue me from my enemies, Lord, for I hide myself in you. 10 Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. 11 For your name’s sake, Lord, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. 12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant.
Don’t we all grow weary and tired, weak, depressed, sad or burdened? Don’t we all take on more than we should at one time or another? Aren’t we all human and of the flesh more often than not? God knows our hearts. Even when we can’t seem to figure it out…
Our spirit can become faint, so easy to concentrate on our works or lack there of…so easy to focus on our shortcomings, our wrongs…instead we must focus on the things He’s done for us. We must look up, lift our hands and don’t hide…lift your face and heart to Him…ask Him for guidance. Find the glory in your journey. Ask Him to help you do so…He will guide you where you need to be…He will give us life when we are undeserving. Trust in Him your path, He knows how to smooth it out way better than we do…
Find the light in your darkness…His hand awaits…His arms stretched wide…His grace a gift He gives to those who seek Him…
Give grace…
Give grace a hug❤️
“In the silence of the heart God speaks. If you face God in prayer and silence, God will speak to you. Then you will know that you are nothing. It is only when you realize your nothingness, your emptiness, that God can fill you with Himself. Souls of prayer are souls of great silence.” – Mother Teresa
Redeemed
This song https://g.co/kgs/61jBPt by Big Daddy Weave….If you’ve never heard it, take a listen. If you at any time in your life have given yourself to Christ, accepted Jesus as your savior, You are redeemed. Listen. You are redeemed. You don’t have to be that old man inside of you. He’s not done with you yet.
I wrote this entry a while ago. But I go back to it ALL THE TIME. The message in this song helped change my life. That scripture above I play over and over in my head ALL THE TIME.
I’m a new creation. I left that person I was at the cross. The cross that Jesus hung on for me. For you.
The battle was never mine.
But the victory is.
Redemption is.
Freedom is.
Give it to Him.
Lay it at the cross.
Let Him carry the burdens you can no longer carry alone.
Give Grace A Hug❤️
I have had to sink into this song https://g.co/kgs/61jBPt more than quite a few times this week. (If you’ve never heard it, it is worth a listen) Sometimes over and over, in all honesty. Sometimes it slips my mind the exact words in this song. That I have been redeemed. I remember oh God, you’re not done with me yet. I’m not who I used to be. I don’t have to be the old man inside of me. I’ll shake off these heavy chains and wipe away every stain…I’m not who I used to be.
I AM REDEEMED. I don’t have to live in the past. I don’t have to live in the sorrow from yesterday’s hurts. I don’t have to be that fearful, worrisome woman that resided in me just months ago. It has taken me a while to understand what it truly means to accept Christ into my heart. This song brings me back to the retreat I went to in April. I finally “understood” what it meant to be redeemed. To walk in the freedom of being new in Christ. A new life. A new creation. A new name. I am not who I used to be. I gave her up that weekend. I let her go. I hung my fear and anxiety and unforgiveness and shame and guilt and hurts and pain on the cross that weekend. Right there. I said goodbye. I watched them burn. I felt them release. It was like a weight lifted. Balloons floating away in the wind. Clouds skimming by. Thunder clapping, removing my own doubt and fear and taking it all away with power and force and certainty. I knew at that moment I didn’t have to worry any more. God has got this. He took it from me. He took all of it from me. He gave me the greatest gift a sinner like me could have, with my pride and my self-unforgiveness and my guilt and confusion and my will, and sent me His son, who was willing to die so I didn’t have to. So I could forgive and forget, so I could be forgiven, so I could repent and rest, so I could love and be loved.
Could you imagine what it would feel like to sacrifice your son, your child, to save a sinner like you and me? Can you imagine the hurt, the pang of guilt in your heart, the void? Could you do it? Could you imagine how God feels when He sees us deny it. Or walk away from it. Or live it half half? He loves us anyway. He welcomes us. He finds us. He wants us to accept our freedom. Take it. Walk with it. Run. Stand. Just accept that it’s yours. Your shame and guilt and pain can be washed away. Your void can be filled. Your heart can be healed. You are not too broken. You are never too broken, never, ever too broken to feel God’s love. You are never too good or too bad. You are never too black or too white. You are never too old or too young. You are never too late or too early. He is right on time. He is waiting on you to understand there is never anything you could do to earn His love. Never. No work. No task. No labor. Nothing. There is nothing you can do but accept Him into your heart. Walk with Him. Give Him your burdens. Let Him carry the weight. Know you are redeemed the second you give your life to Him. There’s no line to wait in. No ticket. No guessing. It may not feel that easy, but it is. You just have to accept it. Let it. Receive it. Walk in redemption. Walk in faith. Walk in His never ending grace. His mercy is new every morning. Every morning. New. You. Him. Together. Nothing is impossible. You are redeemed. Free. Bought at a price. The battle has been won for you. You don’t have to be who you used to be for the simple fact that He paid for your sin, your baggage, your shame, your guilt, your fear, your past, your yuck. He bought it. He took it. Freely. He died so you could live. He died so you could have a new life in Him. A new life. Do you hear that? Yes, you. If you’ve accepted Jesus as your savior or even if you haven’t, and you’re just not sure or ready or you don’t know what’s next. Ask Him. Open your heart to Him. Whether it’s all at once, or little itty bitty pieces at a time. That’s all He wants. Our hearts. To be a new creation in Him. His will. Nothing we could have ever done alone. As we die to our old sinful ways, we are raised up, as a new creation. Raised up. Yes!!! Raised up!!! Lifted from death, apart from our old, sinful, prideful, selfish ways. Separated from who we used to be. You don’t have to live there anymore. That past. That yucky place you’ve left behind. That old relationship. That grief. That fear. That grimy self worth. That dirty stain you can’t get out. It is gone. You are redeemed. Let it go. Live now. Live for who you are now. Who He sees you to be, not who you used to be or even who you see yourself as. You are a new creation in Christ! Raised up! Redeemed! Free! Loved! Forgiven! Forever His! Thank God, redeemed! He’s not done with you yet! Mercy is new every morning! No need to fight the battle that has already been won! He will fight for you! Remember that, every day, good or bad, you are not who you used to be, you don’t ever have to go back. And when you’re feeling down and blah and irritable and emotional and cranky and exhausted and confused and hurt, call on Him. Scream it, cry it, whisper….He hears you. He’s there. Stop. Play your favorite song, read scripture, a devotional, a prayer, a poem. Take time to hear Him say, “stop fighting a fight that’s already been won, You are redeemed, you are set free, shake off those heavy chains, wipe away every stain, you are not who you used to be, you are redeemed. Thank God, redeemed. Remember, He’s not done with you yet….
Hang on. Hold tight.
Give Grace.
Give Grace A Hug❤️
2Corinthians 5:17 amp
Therefore if anyone is in Christ [that is, grafted in, joined to Him by faith in Him as Savior], he isa new creature [reborn and renewed by the Holy Spirit]; the old things [the previous moral and spiritual condition] have passed away. Behold, new things have come [because spiritual awakening brings a new life]
Back To School
First day of school. Everyone make it?
Whew.
Going on no sleep, anxiety attack late yesterday evening, hormones all messed up, with that all against my favor, I think I did pretty good. Thank you Jesus!! Packed lunch last night, laid clothes out, even gave my two youngest baths!!! Score!!! Who needs sleep???
I was good. I swear. Got through the crazy traffic of high school drop off. I have a high schooler. Beat still my heart. Don’t go there if you don’t have to. Road rage avoided, cussing a minimum, I even let people go in front of me!! Score!!
Back home. Mind you they are digging up our street. Can’t use my driveway today. It is raining. Mud. Ahhhhh, we got this. Cut through the back yard. Parking in the back is nothing. I love the rain and the nourishment it provides for our crops and grass and flowers and my attitude.
Still together. Bagel had for breakfast, teeth brushed, dressed quickly like he actually wanted to go to school. My first grader is ready. First grader. What??? Ok. I’m starting to feel the wall crumbling. Time ticking. Drink more coffee. Distract yourself. Do something.
Made it to the van. Got gas. Even picked up a friends child for school. I got this!!!!
Everyone looking sharp with their new shoes and haircuts and book bags. We make it to the school’s street. Traffic. Again. Calm, Mom, be calm. Plenty of time. We make it to the circle drop off. I even let someone go in front of me, AGAIN!! Woot woot!! Score!! I slowly pull to a stop, so they can get out. I say, “ok guys, have a good day, see you at three thirty.” My own child doesn’t want me to walk him in. I think I was expecting them to cling to me and not wanna go and cry and yea, that didn’t happen. I say a prayer for them in my head quickly as they exit. Do I have to pull away? Can’t I just sit here and gaze out the window and watch them walk in? Can’t I sit here and make sure they make it to their classroom? Can’t I stay for lunch? Can’t I hold his hand a while longer? Can’t I?
Pulling away was hard. It hits me. I feel the tears. As I quickly wipe them away, maybe so I won’t even notice I’m crying. Didn’t work. Then here come the words of advice from the backseat, my three year old matter of factly says, “Keep it together, Mom, keep it together…
Mannnnnnn…
Here come the sobs.
Father Time. Stop. Please. All my life I wished time away. Wanted to grow up, wanted to be an adult, drive, drink, go to college, have kids, a family, pay bills….
Mannnnnnnn…
I can’t do this. I promised myself I wouldn’t. Keep it together?
Here we are. Raising our kids. Praying to God to keep them safe, holding on to every last drop, wishing for time to stop, or at least slow down. Kissing them goodbye no longer necessary because they don’t want our slobbery smooches. They don’t need to hold our hand like we want to hold theirs. We talk about sleepless nights raising babies, changing diapers, making bottles, letting them sleep with us just so we can get some much needed shut eye. We talk of teething and terrible twos and first words and what preschool to send them to.
Then all of a sudden, you’re left standing in your kitchen, sobbing uncontrollably, unable to comprehend how you have children growing up to be their own selves. Independent and with a voice of there own. With their own dreams and likes and desires. I should be proud, right?? I made it this far.
Mannnnnnnnnn…
I’m confused. I love them so much. I only want what’s best for them. Even when they’re almost twenty with a child of their own, out of the house, you just don’t stop being Mom. Ever.
I sit here and my heart is just expanding. I feel like it is going to explode. All the years of being a Mom are flashing right in front of me. I don’t know how I did it somedays. Or today.
I’m spinning. The love I have for them is overflowing, it is abundant. It breathes life into me. Even when they drive me nuts or choose unwisely or be their smart mouth teen selves or their headstrong preschooler self. When they need me and when they don’t. When they’re scared and hurt. When they are hungry and tired. When they are calm and collected. When they just are…
Mannnnnnnnnnn…
This reminds me of the love my Father God has for me. For them. For us. For everyone. Abundant. Overflowing. It breathes life into us.
How did I make it this far? Hmmmmmm, I wonder. Answered prayers. Unanswered prayers. Unconditional love. Divine intervention. Whether I was accepting or not. From afar, He was providing even when I thought it was just me. He watched me take my own path and He watched me fall. He knew my path before I even thought about having kids. These blessings that aren’t even mine to begin with. We are all His children, and if we are lucky enough to have kids, they are only borrowed by us for a short time.
No wonder I want time to stop. No wonder I want to hang on as long as I can. Not for their safety, but for my own. I mean what will I do without them? They are my security blanket, my identity, my life. I mean I gave them life…
Mannnnnnnnnnnn…
Did I?
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Sobs.
I have to stop there.
Thank you Father God. I am beyond blessed to call you my Father and to have this life handed to me. Forgive me for being scared and fearful and timid and untrusting of the power only you can provide. Thank you Father God, for my children. Thank you for all your children, those who know you and those who don’t. Thank you for providing even when I wasn’t trying to take your hand out. Thank you for the patience extended as I fumbled through the dark to find the light. As a woman, as a friend, as a wife, as a parent, as your daughter. Your daughter. I never thought I’d be able to understand that saying. A child of the one true king. That’s me. I am forever grateful of the changes you have provided in my life. Thank you for the blessings. Thank you for the heartaches. Thank you for the trials that only brought me closer to you. Thank you for these children, today as they go to school, and everyday, and as they make their own way through this journey called life. May they come to understand the truth about you and your love. May I be a vessel to pass on your love. Thank you for the privilege to be called Mom. Thank you for the strength I found in you, as I made it through another “first”. Thank you in advance for the strength you’ll provide with the many more “firsts” to come. Help me to seek you, help me to rely on your power, not my own. Help me to not only have faith, but to exercise it, use it, build on it, keep it, and cherish it.
Give Grace A Hug❤️
Happy Birthday….
Man those stinking Facebook memories that pop up…I remember this one all too well…one of my moods…I truly do thank God for the life I have…I am beyond words of thankfulness💜
Today is one of those days when I woke up in one of my moods…that self battle mood…self defeat, self criticism, depression of self…I woke up to a day where I told myself I don’t want to celebrate. Even after reading my devotions and some Bible, I still wasn’t feeling it…while this isn’t the first birthday without my mom, only the second, but so far the hardest. I long to receive her card in the mail or hear the phone ring with her voice on the other end…her voice that I haven’t heard for over a year now…a year ago still too numb to understand she was really gone. Now, understanding she IS really gone, my heart pangs for her hug, her comfort, her love.
Today marks the day she gave me life. Life. My birthday. Whoooooppeeee, right? What a day for her I’m sure. As I can identify with being a mother, the feeling of giving birth is like none other…the bitter sweetness of not carrying your child any more, the joy that escapes in sobs as you hear the first cry, the utter contentment and love of the first embrace…what else can compete with that love, the love of a mother? As we lay down our lives for our children, sometimes we lose ourselves in the day to day, the hustle and grind, the to and fro. We find loneliness in a house full of noise. We find comfort in our pillows so no one can hear our sobs, for the last thing we want to do is be a burden to someone else. We find joy in the smallest things. We wear our love on our sleeves. We battle for unity, we pray constantly, we fight battles our children may never know about. We fight our children’s battles, sometimes in silence and sometimes out loud. We tend to never ask for help, that would be admitting defeat, right??? A mother is so many things in one. One. One heart that loves all her children the same, one heart that sees the good no matter how many times she was let down, one heart that strives for the best for her family, one heart that beats life into her home, one heart that syncs with each child, each difference, each personality…How amazing is that? The love of a mother…
On days like today when I find myself in the midst of a battle between what I feel and what I know, I have to give thanks to God’s grace. God’s grace, that one more time, found me when I was about to drown out the good, with my own thoughts of the bad. I find if I rely on self, I let self down. I let Him down. But when I come to Him first, in prayer, in thoughts, in practice, in music, in the daily grind, I find the strength, the courage, the faith to let go of the mom I think I should be and embrace the mom He is shaping me to be. The mom I am. Faults and all. I find when I look for my worth through His eyes, I need to search no longer. He is creating in me the person He already sees me to be. He loves me beyond all my faults and disarray, beyond my excuses and habits, beyond the darkness I see in myself. Why? Because I am His child. As our love as mothers is extended to our children, His grace and love are extended to all His children. All of us. Every one of us. As a mother scoops us up and covers us with love, boo boo after boo boo, heartbreak after heartbreak, failure after failure, God’s love for us is one in the same. It can reach all our hurt and regret and pain and doubt. He can battle for us. He can fight right along side us. His love can turn you around that corner of self defeat if you choose to follow the directions of His guidance. His love can deliver you from pain and heartbreak, grief, anxiety, hopelessness, and unrest. He cries with joy when His children seek Him and accept His love. His love, so much like a mother’s, covers us all, blankets us in warmth, wraps us in unending grace, swaddles us in our greatest times of need, like an infant just born, all the way to a grown woman that just misses her mom…today on this day of my birth, I give thanks to my mom who gave me life 41years ago. Thank you for being who you were and are to me, I miss you like no other…I also give thanks to God, who in the past year or so has also given me life. New life, in the freedom of His grace. New life that He continues to breathe into me daily. At my worst moments and at my best, I find Him right here beside me…
Thank God. Thank God. Thank God and Give Grace A Hug❤️, today and everyday, at your worst, at your best, but if anything, with all your heart…
Rest Easy Sweet Momma…
Timeless. Even if it was written about a year and a half ago…
Exhale…kids to bed, dishes washed, laundry going…wow…a never ending cycle, right??? As I finally sit to rest my weary bones, my mind drifts, my eyes close, I completely melt into the silence…melt into the comfy chair, melt into the warmth of what’s right here in front of me….
My mind travels to earlier when we were outside enjoying the sun. I was just sitting on the back deck, watching my two and four year old play. Their innocence bouncing around…From the pile of leaves, to the swing, to the slide, to their bikes, to the trampoline. Completely content, completely happy. Not a care, not a worry…
Wow. Wrapping my brain around this, I’m intrigued, I’m captivated by their pure hearts. They are entirely happy with what they have right now, right in front of them.
Somedays, in all honesty, I feel like I’m never enough, never finished. Like I’m never going to have a spotless house or all the laundry folded or all kids bathed before bed, or dinners planned for the week or bills paid on time. What do I think I am? That lady with the cape and an S on her chest? I have lost it.
From time to time, I feel like super woman. Bring it on. Try me. Don’t you know I can wipe boogers and count to ten and tie a shoe all in the same instant? I sell myself short most of the time. So easy to get caught up in what I’m not doing, instead of what I actually pull off on a daily basis. From taxi to baseball to time outs to lunch to homework consultant to banker, chef, janitor, doctor, counselor, secretary, cheerleader….No wonder I don’t put on makeup most days…No wonder my sweats are worn and my shirts stained.
Then I think about my children. Are they happy? Are they fed? Do they thrive in their environment? Am I a part of their lives? Are they kind? Responsible? Patient? Use their please and thank yous? Say their prayers? Know they are loved? Are they loving? I could go on. Forever. You get my point.
Our work, our heartaches, our days when patience is hard to find, our days when our self esteem is at an all time low, our days when we function on coffee and a prayer, our days when we wonder if it will all pay off someday…
Someday? How ’bout now? Our reward is now. This day, this moment. It is paying off daily. Our sacrifices, our bad hair days, our mismatched socks, our tears as they walk themselves up to the door, our broken hearts when they don’t achieve a goal, our sleepless nights when they’re away. Daily, we put aside our own needs, wants, wishes, desires for what??? What?
Those beautiful, innocent, pure-hearted children that deserve every ounce of ourselves we can give them. I only want to love as they do. Relentlessly. Fearlessly. Openly. I only want to be as patient with myself as they are with me, as they easily look past my messy hair for a hug. As they don’t care what I look like. As long as I bandaid the boo boos, kiss the hurt away, scare the monsters out of the closet and do it all out of love…
So if you’re going to bed exhausted, waking up the same, sleeping with that two year old sideways in your bed, calming temper tantrums without throwing one yourself, squishing squabbles, wiping drool, making countless trips, preparing meals no one likes, setting curfews, making rules, praying you’re doing something right….
You are. Hang in there. Exhale. Inhale. Breathe. You are enough. This too shall pass…I’m afraid, too quickly…Stop. Enjoy the moment, sip the Kool-aid with them, have a pillow fight, have ice cream before dinner…You are creating memories. You are filling them with the love they need to be gracious, caring adults…
While it definitely puts us on our butts time and time again, it will be so worth the time and effort we invest. They definitely don’t stay kids forever. We sure as heck ain’t getting any younger. But we are constantly striving to do better, and there is nothing wrong with that. But maybe for a minute, a day, be happy with the job you’re doing right now. Give yourself some credit. Relax for a second. It’ll be ok if the dishes sit dirty an extra night or the floors go unmopped. Maybe you can sleep longer or read a book or snuggle on the couch. Go to bed with confidence that your children are loved, prayed for and taken care of…
That I’d say is plenty enough…
Rest easy sweet Momma.
Give grace.
Give Grace A Hug❤️
1 Corinthians 13:13Common English Bible (CEB)
- Now faith, hope, and love remain—these three things—and the greatest of these is love.
CoffeeFocusSquirrel
Multi-Tasker, master of none…
There are mornings when I am on point. Dishes done, load of laundry in, devotionals read, prayer time, toys picked up, self showered and ready to go.
Then there are mornings like today.
Up early, I will say dishes are done, but I must have rinsed my focus down the drain with the soap suds…
I think I have warmed up the same cup of coffee three times.
Sat down to read my devotionals, ended up checking my bank account balance.
Got up, fixed Olivia her toaster waffles.
Sat back down.
Try this again.
Oh wait, I left my coffee in the microwave.
Back up.
Back down.
Devotionals.
Wait let me scroll through my email first. Ok. Check.
How ‘bout Facebook? :
Let’s see if everyone else is on track this morning.
Focus. I am.
Squirrel!!!!
Coffee!!!
Wow.
This is how my mind goes a lot of the time.
All over the place. I have to tell myself to slow down and finish the task at hand.
Start the dishes. Sink full. Water in.
Wait. Laundry. Start folding the laundry,
Oh, wait, coffee….
Where’d I put my coffee?
Look for coffee.
Might as well check the other rooms for cups while I’m at it.
Oh wait, let me fluff these couch pillows, and fold this blanket.
I see crumbs.
Let me get the vacuum out and sweep while I’m at it.
I go to the kitchen to get the sweeper.
Crap…
I forgot I started dishes.
Coffee…
Shoot, where’d I set my coffee??
Wait. You started your devotionals an hour ago….
Coffee. Need coffee to read devotionals…
Sit down.
Sit down, I hear.
Sit down.
Stop.
Breathe.
Stop.
Coffee.
No.
Sit down.
Ok. I get it.
Sit down.
How may times a day do I deny that voice?
Too many.
Coffee is more important.
Dishes a must.
Laundry.
Meh…
Guilty of finding my worth in the chores not completed.
In the unfolded laundry.
In the dirty dishes.
If I don’t get this stuff done, then I’m not good enough.
Then I’m not worthy.
Coffee…
Need coffee to process.
I promise, I’ll listen after I finish my coffee.
You know, like you tell the kids 3,942 times a day, just a minute, hold on, I’ll be right there, wait one second…
Oh….
Man…
Is that what I tell God 3,942 times a day as well?
Wait.
Let me finish this cup of coffee, I promise I’ll listen.
Wait.
Let me fold clothes before I hear You.
Wait.
Let me cook, clean, bathe, mop, wash, fold, dust, straighten and put away first.
Squirrel…
Coffee…
Wait…
He is so patient with me.
Waiting…
Watching…
Guiding me…
Step by step as, I fuddle through figuring it out.
As I trip over toys and sweep away the dirt.
As I flip through the calendar, checking to see what’s next.
As I precisely fold the towels.
As I sip my coffee.
As I type.
Put Me first.
The rest will follow.
Trust Me.
I’ll wait on you.
I’ll be here when you’re ready to find Me.
Because I’m everywhere.
Waiting.
Waiting on you to see.
Mom…
Mom…
We want a drink.
Mom…
I’m hungry.
Mom.
Mom.
Coffee.
Squirrel.
God.
Duty calls.
Blessings await.
Lessons to be learned.
The day to be had.
Thank you Father God for that still small voice in the messy moments of life…
I hear You…
Give grace..
Give grace a hug…
Still Missing You Mom
…grief doesn’t end, but it does change…and it definitely shows up unannounced and smacks you in the face harder than you ever think it could some days. On those days, I know I lean harder into Him, and try to cherish the memories. Thank God for His arms wide open and His amazing, unfailing love…
April 16, 2015 ·
I can’t put a finger on the mood I’ve been in the past few days…was chalking it up to hormones, stress, life…then the cool breeze of the morning brushed my cheek. It reminded me of her. Swept in, blew by, woke me for a quick second. It was then I realized that I missed her. I miss my mom. That may seem obvious to some, of course you miss your mother, how can you not miss your mother???…
Me? Well, I’m very good at hiding how it hurts to miss her, hiding how I feel guilty I had no words as she slipped away, hiding how up to her very last breath, I held her hand, and somehow I kept it together. Look at me now…a mess..unavailable…detached…sometimes I know there are other reasons to pin my rash mood swings on…lately I’m feeling my outbursts of tears, my silent cries are from the longing of the friendship I miss with all my heart…when you realize how alone you’ve made yourself, but only to cope, only to grieve, only to deal…but what do you do when you’re standing there in this darkness, this isolation, looking around, and seeing what you’ve created? I, myself am too good at shutting off. Protection. Defense. Denial. Denial? Damn it, I hate it when I’m right. When I sit here and have these self talks. When honesty of self comes to sit square in front of me and look me in the eye. I’m not unfeeling, the exact opposite…I’m over feeling, just ask my teenage son…he’ll tell you, I cry too much…I’m an emotional fool. I love to love and I hate when I can’t. I despise not being able to attach, to hug, to feel…complete opposite ends of the spectrum, yep, that’s me for sure. As I sit here, I’m thinking wow, I’m borderline nuts. Crazy.
Then, I hear that voice, no you’re not, you’re human. Our hearts are capable of such great feeling, yet at the same time, our hearts are very susceptible to becoming deadened, quickly, fast, especially when the mind or the world has a say…grief is sometimes unexplainable. I’ve never been on such a ride of emotions. Not sure how to compare losing a parent to other losses I’ve experienced. All weighted, all different, unique relationships that were lost, and still missed…each one putting their individual mark on my heart. Each one touched my life in their own way. Remembering my Grandpa and his lap, his smell of White Owls and Hall’s cough drops, was the best place to snuggle and bury my head in his chest…my Grandma, gosh, I miss her, her feeding me non stop, her little impromptu gifts, the times she held me up even when she didn’t have a clue what was going on but knew I needed her…the father of my first two children. My first attempt at love, I fell hard, face first, he gave me two reasons to push on…
So putting a finger on losing my mom. Almost impossible. What didn’t she do for me? When didn’t she listen even when she wasn’t interested? When did she ever hurt me as I may have hurt her? Our struggles many, disagreements plenty…but never once did I doubt she loved me. Even when some of the things she did seemed weird or wrong or too nice or too mean or just plain foolish.
This past year I’ve realized, everything, I mean everything she did, she did out of love. Love. Whether it was the “right” thing to do or not, it stemmed from the love she had as a mother. It’s unmeasurable. How do I go from that to trying to understand she’s not here with me anymore? Then the breeze brushed my cheek again….ahhhh, there she is. She is here with me. Everyday. She can’t rescue me from a financial hardship or pat my back, or hold my hand, or tuck me in or yell at me or mail a birthday card…but I think what she left me with was much more. She left me with a desire to understand the love she had. She opened my eyes to what a heart can feel and do with the power of love behind it. Not just her love, but love from above. She opened my eyes and heart to grace. God’s love.
Wow, she left us in a whirl. Right in the eye of the storm. Right when we needed her most…but if anything has carried me through this past year, it’s because I decided to give grace a hug…when I’m at the very last ounce of strength, that last drop of will, that last push, that last pull, that last “I can’t do this anymore”, He will meet me right there at the end of myself…with open arms, unending love, forgiveness, mercy and grace…Kinda how my mom met me most of the time, I’d like to think, and with a heart full of love….how can you not miss that? Oh, I miss her beyond words and it has become very obvious lately…
But with His love, the Son He sent to save my broken self, and the Holy Spirit alive within, it may not be easy ever, but I will get through it. He will see me through it. I will rest knowing that though physically my mom is no longer here on earth, her love is always with me, from the memories to the breeze on my face, she will never be forgotten…as God never forgets us. Never stops loving us. Patiently waits for us. Wraps us in His arms and never lets us go, even when we think we know better…just as I remember my mother’s love….deep, wide and all encompassing…His love never fails…never gives up…never runs out…how awesome is that? Even in a time of darkness, sorrow, depression, despair…His love is guiding us, His love is right there waiting on us…waiting on our last, feeble, weak attempt at grasping onto dear life…
New life…by taking His hand…having faith…giving grace…giving grace a hug…
2 Corinthians 12:9-10English Standard Version (ESV)
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Ever Just Wish
Ever just wish?
Ever just wish your Mom was here?
Ever just wish you could have her near?
Ever just wish she never left?
Ever just wish?
Yea…I guess…
Ever just wish your pain would end?
Ever just wish your heart would mend?
Ever just wish your mind would stop?
Ever just wish?
Yea…I guess…
Ever just wish earthly pain to cease?
Ever just wish the sadness to ease?
Ever just wish the darkness to leave?
Ever just wish for one more day?
Ever just wish you were able to say?
Ever just wish you could take her place?
Ever just wish to see her face?
Ever just wish for that friend you once had?
Ever just wish to stop seeing the bad?
Ever just wish for dark to fall?
Ever just wish to go to bed and forget it all?
Ever just wish for a plan to make sense?
Ever just wish to not be on the fence?
Ever just wish?
Yea…I guess…
Ever just wish to be on one side or the other?
Ever just wish you’d be a good mother?
Ever just wish your words were heard?
Ever just wish life didn’t seem absurd?
Ever just wish for one more chance?
Ever just wish for that one last dance?
Ever just wish for love from your father?
Ever just wish you didn’t even bother?
Ever just wish things were calm and collected?
Ever just wish you weren’t neglected?
Ever just wish for passion and desire?
Ever just wish for enough spark to start a fire?
Ever just wish right wasn’t so wrong?
Ever just wish you knew all the words to the song?
Ever just wish you felt the freedom in surrender?
Ever just wish you could go on a bender?
Ever just wish?
Yea…I guess…
Ever just wish on that star so bright?
Ever just wish you didn’t have to fight?
Ever just wish time would stop?
Ever just wish you could get to the top?
Ever just wish for company at the bottom?
Ever just wish one time you could say, “I got ’em”!!!
Ever just wish there was a cure for the grief?
Ever just wish for an ounce of relief?
Ever just wish for your smile to stay?
Ever just wish for your enemy to pay?
Ever just wish why some don’t get it?
Ever just wish?
Yea….I guess….
Ever just wish the truth to be told?
Ever just wish you could be more bold?
Ever just wish for some sort of revival?
Ever just wish you actually had time to read your Bible?
Ever just wish His grace was enough?
Ever just wish you could sort out this stuff?
Ever just wish guilt would be gone?
Ever just wish you weren’t a pawn?
Ever just wish for God’s mercy to heal?
Ever just wish for Him to seal the deal?
Ever just wish for a new pattern to form?
Ever just wish for the calm before the storm?
Ever just wish?
Yea….I guess….
Yea….I guess I wish a lot…
Yea….I guess.
Yea….I guess on this thing called life.
Yea….I guess there is going to be strife.
Yea….I guess I can cry all day long.
Yea….I guess I could sing a new song.
Yea….I guess I can leave it at the foot of the cross.
Yea….I guess it’s not always my loss.
Yea….I guess I can repent.
Yea….I guess these thoughts are heaven sent.
Yea….I guess He will meet me where I am.
Yea….I guess He will hold my hand.
Yea….I guess He will renew my soul.
Yea….I guess the Devil’s work has been taking it’s toll.
Yea….I guess….
Ever just wish good would always win?
Ever just wish we weren’t full of sin?
Ever just wish there was a clear path to redemption?
Ever just wish you wouldn’t guess?
Ever just wish you knew all along?
Ever just wish you could be as strong?
Ever just wish?
Yea….I guess….
Guess what?
We’re nothing without Him.
He will guide us through it all.
He will stand us up way beyond tall.
He will pull us out of sin and shame.
He will redeem us through His only son’s name.
Jesus is the way, the truth, the life.
Jesus is more than a name shouted in vain.
Jesus is a vessel of hope.
Jesus is at the end of your rope.
So don’t let go.
Hold on.
Fight.
Fight through the night.
Fight with God’s armor on tight.
Fight with passion.
Fight with love.
Fight, damn it, fight.
Don’t give up.
Fight, remembering the one above.
Fight for what’s right.
Don’t forget your worth.
Fight for heaven here on this earth.
Fight for those who can’t speak out.
Fight.
Fight.
Fight beyond your doubt.
Fight beyond your fear.
Fight like you know He is near.
Because He is.
He reaches out when your options are none,
He reaches out with the blood of His Son.
Ever just wish you could be saved?
You can.
You are.
In Jesus’s name.
The healing is now.
The time is right.
His plan is not always what we’d like.
But His timing is at His best.
Give to Him.
Give Him your mess.
Let it go.
Release it now.
Begin to rest.
Yea….I guess.
Yea….I guess?
Ever just wish these words would come true?
Ever just wish He’d fight for you?
Ever just wish someone would care?
Ever just wish you could be stripped down to bare?
Ever just wish to peel back, layer after layer?
Ever just wish to be rid of it all?
Ever just wish….
Ever just call….
Scream His name,
Whisper or shout,
Speak to it, call it out.
Fight with the truth.
Fight with the blood.
Fight knowing the battle is already won.
Fight because He sees it in you,
Fight because the blood can restore.
Fight because He won the war.
Fight because He gave His life.
Fight because He died for us.
Fight because His grace is enough.
Fight because this could be a new beginning.
Fight because your head is spinning.
Fight because this stuff will heal.
Fight because, well, you know the deal…
Leave it at the foot of the cross.
He’ll pick it up and dust you off.
The blood of red will wash you clean,
Your stains are gone.
Your sin forgiven.
Tell me all about this heaven.
Bring it to me here on earth.
Renew my strength,
Restore my worth.
Say it to me over and over again.
You’ve been redeemed!
You’ve been forgiven!
You can get back up!
You can rise above!
Yea….I guess….
I guess there is no need to wish.
His grace is waiting.
Redemption in Him is near.
By grace you have been saved.
That is clear.
Don’t just wish.
Pray.
Breathe it in.
Let it permeate your soul.
Let it seep through the cracks.
Let it help you to never look back.
Let it radiate,
Cutting darkness to pieces.
Let it run through your veins,
Let it wash away the stains,
Let it lift you to heaven on earth,
Let it fill you so full doubt has no room.
Let it fill you so full fear has no name.
Let it fill you so full letting go is no game.
Let it go….
You won’t be the same.
His arms stretched wide.
His arms wide open.
His embrace enough,
To heal the broken.
His grace is sufficient.
His love never changing.
Your heart needs rearranging.
Let it go.
Let Him in.
Start anew.
Remember that cross.
Recall His love.
Fill your voids with Him.
Pieces will start to fit.
Your heart will beat again.
Love will return.
Grace will do the work.
Believe it’s for you.
Believe in your worth.
Believe in yourself as He believes in you.
Use Him to get you through.
He longs for your heart to be healed.
He waits for you to signal.
He’s waiting for you to embrace your faith.
He’s waiting for you to be filled with His love.
He’s waiting.
Just waiting.
For you to give.
To give grace.
To give grace a hug❤️