These four words.
I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.
These words were whispered in my ear Sunday during our church worship.
What???
Since then I have been playing these words in my head over and over and over again.
No I haven’t.
Yes I have.
Nah, not me.Oh yea, you definitely have.
Why would I deny God?

Wait….Have I???

Whoa…

Since Sunday, after a delivery of a great and timely message, I have been wondering. Have I?
This, in turn, prompted me to listen to the message from the Sunday before that I had missed.
I was floored. Were these spoke just for me? Did everyone in attendance see the neon sign flashing CONVICTION,
CONVICTION, CONVICTION, HERE????? I could seriously feel the heat of the spotlight.

I’ve been denying God.
PPPPLLLLLLBBBBBBTTTTTTTTTT….
These four words…
I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.
It was definitely one of those Sundays where the enemy was trying to keep me home. Cramps, bloated, pants too tight, headache, not feeling the best, nothing to wear…Meh…any excuse I could find…

I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.

He has been working hard to get my attention this week. The devil right along with Him. It started Sunday afternoon
in my own backyard. Olivia, my youngest, a whole 3, came close to drowning in our own backyard pool.
Now…I’ve seen my children go through a lot of things. Heartache, grief, bad choices, good ones, milestones, birthdays,
death, rejection, good grades, their first bad grade…
I’ve witnessed the sobbing of sobs, the beasts of boo boos, sprained ankles to sprained egos, broken hearts to broken toys. I’ve seen them gasp for life in so many ways….
But never like this.
Sunscreen on.
Floaties on.
I’m literally sitting down to read my Bible.
We are good to go.
Splashing, playing, laughing….
It did get kinda quiet.
But in the moment it wasn’t as obvious then as it is now.
Alex says, “Mom, Olivia is drowning.”
What the what???
My first thoughts are “Don’t joke with me, that’s not funny, no she’s not, yea right.”
But if you’re a mom, or a parent, you know I didn’t just sit there.
I may have hopped up as ugly as all get out.
She was. She was bobbing up and down, doing her best to stay above the water.
Panic.
Just reach her.
Stay calm.
You got this.
She”ll be fine.
Move, Chela, move.
Funny how you take all the precautions for moments like these in our heads and in our actions, but when the moment comes, just wow….
I tried to jump the side. Too short.
I tried to extend my arm just enough. Too short.
Seconds ticking by.
My heart pounding, my mind racing…
All in the matter of seconds.
Alex, my 6 year old, is just watching.
Somehow she had lost her floatie.
10, 20 more seconds and I don’t even want to imagine what could have been.
THANK GOD.
I climb the ladder.
Alex steps up and pushes her her float.
Whew. THANK GOD.
I can’t tell you in those few seconds how many things flew through my mind. It was like an eternity. As her life was
dangling by a thread, mine flashed in front of me as well.
Pictures, people, places, things, hurts, hearts, joys, jobs, family, friends.
My daughter. Her life. My daughter. My life.
In our own backyard.
Was this a wake up call?
For me? For my life? Funny way to grab my attention. BUT YOU GOT IT. I’m listening.
Who are you to tell me???
I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.
As I look back, Have I? Have I been denying God?
Have I?
As she sits on my lap just sobbing while trying to catch her breath, I can’t help but wonder….

Ok….So we survived Sunday. Thank you God. Onto Monday.
Monday…
Uneventful. Except for the rehashing of Sunday. The what ifs. Thinking about it kept me awake longer than desired Sunday night. So Monday came too quickly. Coffee was for recuperation, much appreciated and right on time.

I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.
What a gut check for me. These four words whispered. Everywhere. They just keep popping up.

Only in the past several months have I come to get a grasp on the power of salvation and the power of the cross and the blood that was shed for us. I can’t say I understand it or can even grasp the concept sometimes, but I know differently, His grace has been liberally applied to my life more times than I can mention.
Pondering the season I’ve been in for too long…Depression, anxiety, loneliness, gloominess, hopelessness, worthlessness.
Have I been denying God? If I have accepted Jesus as my Savior, I “know” of the power, I “know” of the unlimited grace available, I “know” that I am a new creation in Christ, I “know” the Holy Spirit is alive in me.

I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.

One of Monday’s devotionals spoke loudly to me. I read it over and over throughout the day.
“There is no God like You. YOU forgive those who are guilty of sin; YOU don’t look at the sins of Your people who are left alive. YOU will not stay angry forever because YOU enjoy being kind. YOU will have mercy on us again, YOU will conquer our sins. YOU will throw away all our sins into the deepest part of the sea.” Micah 7:18-19.
YOU meaning GOD.
“There is no God like YOU. (thank God)
“YOU forgive all who are guilty and don’t look at our sin.” (What??? He forgives me of my sin over and over again AND He doesn’t look at it anymore?? That’s who I strive to be like. I want to be like that.) “You will not stay angry forever because YOU enjoy being kind.” (He doesn’t get mad, He forgives and forgives. He enjoys being kind. I enjoy being kind. Have I forgotten that???) “You will have mercy on us again.” “You will conquer our sins.” It says YOU, as in GOD. The strength was never mine. He will conquer our sin. He. He will not stay angry forever. He pours mercy on us time and time again. Because He can. And He will.

I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.

So… Here we are. It’s Tuesday.
Tuesday…Hmmmmm.
Start off with coffee and my devotionals.
This one jumped off the page at me.
(God) never gives a thorn without this added grace. He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face.
~Martha Snell Nicholson~
Mmmmmmm….
Do you hear what I hear in that?
With every trouble, every pain, every transgression, every failure, if we turn to Him, when we turn to Him, He may not remove that thorn, but with that thorn in our side, we will see Him. Find Him. Ask Him for the grace to cover the pain of that thorn in our side, instead of asking Him to remove it.
It hurts.
It’s ugly.
It is sticking us.
It is bothering us.
It is weakening us.
Literally, a pain in our sides.
It is possible He will supply the grace to withstand the thorn. It is possible He could remove the thorn.
But, what if? What if we humble ourselves before Him, and maybe not ask to take away the pain, but to ask for more grace to endure the pain?
I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.
Ok…sitting here reading, sipping coffee, something tells me to turn on the TV.
I find myself playing a recording of TD Banks.
I am not huge on TV evangelists, but I could listen to him daily.
So…..About God’s timing.
This particular sermon was about an eagle and her nest….Oh boy, he’s got my attention already.
Don’t die in your nest. He talks about how the nest is for protection when the eaglets are young. How we perceive based on the way we were raised in the nest. How we become comfortable in our nest, even though it may become too small.
Yet we stay because it is familiar, it is what we know. How the stirring of the nest can poke us and prod us to leave, yet we stay. Yet we make excuses to stay. It would be easier that way, right? To stay. Rather than to leave or to grow or move or evolve….
Conviction. I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.
This hits my nest way too closely.
It’s me to a tee.
Comfortable in her nest. Safe. Yet miserable. I don’t want to be stuck here. But this is who I’ve become. This is easier.
But I long for more. But I have everything I need right here in this nest. Why should I leave? Why fly? Why evolve?
Man….
God doesn’t want me to be stuck here. God doesn’t want me to be anxious or depressed and lonely.
God wants me to turn to Him. He wants to give me wings. He wants me to fly. God wants us all to fly. God wants us to put all the yuck we learned from the nest behind us. God wants us to have faith in Him. To have faith that He will help us fly. To believe we can fly. To trust in Him, to find true freedom with Him, to believe, and to spread our wings and soar. Soar above heights beyond our own imaginations…

These past couple years have been truly a painful season.
Examination, self truth, depression, my first panic attack followed by anxiety, grief, realizing my food addiction was my coping mechanism. So I have hidden. Another coping mechanism. I have truly become comfortable in my nest of misery. My prison, this nest has become. I have sheltered myself. Deep down I know there were times when isolation is exactly what I needed. Shelter. Quiet. Less noise. More God. Reflection. Redemption.
I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.
That still small voice.
I have.
I don’t give Him enough credit.
I doubt.
I fear.
I over analyze.
I second guess.
I know all about faith, But do I have faith?
I know the power, but do I allow it to be applied to my own life?
Since being saved, I have felt my heart being transformed.
I can’t count the times I’ve got on my knees, prayed, begged, pleaded…For mercy, for forgiveness, for strength, for courage, for patience, for less pride, for more love, for less of me, more of God, for peace, unity, desire…Does that list ever end?
I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.
Wake up Chela. You have all of this. You’ve witnessed Him working in your own life.
He provided strength and comfort as you laid your Mom to rest.
He covered you in forgiveness and mercy as you battled your food addiction and won.

The patience and forgiveness and mercy and love provided when you were up against the rock and the hard place, when having to choose between your own daughter and granddaughter, while your daughter figured things out. Not by my own strength did I make it through that.

The peace needed as I have watched my brother battle addiction for too many years. The prayers sent for recovery and grace and forgiveness and mercy. The peace provided for myself to understand it’s not all my fault, that I can and sometimes have to love from afar. The forgiveness and grace showered unending as I had to turn away to save myself.

The forgiveness as I have worked through the hole left in my heart from not great relations with my own earthly father.
Letting go of the idea that it was me or that I did something to cause him to not want a relationship with me or to stop drinking long enough to care. Separating myself from finding my own worth in his and others behavior. Then and now.

This stuff still stings. I could go on.

Maybe slightly ironic that as you take a step to be saved, your heart becomes slightly open to looking at these wounds.
As you let Him in, you have to be willing to square up and let go.
It is a painful process.
These matters of the heart that have built up for years.
But He really doesn’t want you to stay there.
His love for us is beyond amazing. It truly is. It can seep in by way of those broken cracks and restore every last one.
Never ending.
It has pulled me through some of the darkest times in my life.
If you can open your heart even just a little…
To feel His goodness….
You will not regret it.
You will be changed.
You will be loved. You will be forgiven. You will feel peace words can’t describe. You will be able to leave your nest.
You will be able to fly.

I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.
Wow. Enough said. I’m guilty. I have been denying God. Denying the good that He wants me to have. Remembering the good He has already given. I haven’t been trusting of HIs power, HIs strength, HIs love, HIs truth. I’ve been denying that He is able to work in my life. MY LIFE.
No wonder I’m stuck here.
This is pivotal for me.
I’m scared. But I know I can no longer be here and stay miserable and anxious and depressed anymore.
I want to fly.
I enjoy being kind.

I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.

So….We made it to Wednesday.
How does this one fit in???
Devotional #1: 2nd Corinthians 12:9
My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.
In my weakness, His grace is enough.
In my weakness, His strength is made perfect.
In my weakness, He is enough.
In my weakness…
In MY weakness…

I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.

Maybe this one from Jesus Calling Devotional…
Romans 12:12
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
He is everywhere.
Reminding me, He is enough and that I’m not alone. I’m never alone.
Then the phone rings…If you know me at all, I don’t answer the phone nearly as often as I should.
That would mean I would have to talk to someone….
But it was a Godsend. Someone I share a history with, a comforting voice who knows exactly where I’m coming from and where I’m at, and where we both want to be….As we share tears and laughter, maybe a little sarcasm, it is evident I am not alone.
Thank you God.

As this day comes to an end, I recall another devotional I read earlier.
1st Corinthians 10:13 (NLT)
The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. AND GOD IS FAITHFUL. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you can endure.
This is so comforting. It screams everything I need to hear.
Our temptations, while different, are yet the same. Sin is sin.
And God is faithful. Whatever we are facing. He is faithful. Our burdens will be too much to bear alone. But if we don’t deny Him and look to Him for a way out, and cling to Him even as that thorn pricks our side, asking for strength and wisdom and courage to endure, as believers, and as we are tempted, as we call out, He will help us. He promises He will because He is faithful. He will show us a way out.
I think I can sleep on that.
I think I’ve been denying God.
I think I’m going to try my best to not do that anymore.
I want to fly.
I want to evolve.
I want to be kind.
I want to give grace.
I want to Give Grace A Hug.
It is by grace that I have been saved.
But just because I’m saved doesn’t mean He is done with me yet…
This eagle is about to leave her nest….

Morning. Thursday, here…
Not quite enough coffee to function, but I’m working on that.
I thought I was done. But this morning’s devotional I can’t help but share. It is again, too timely to be just a coincidence. I’m seeing how God is really trying to tell me it is time to change positions in my life.
Isaiah 30:19 The Message
Cry for help and you’ll find it’s grace and more grace. The moment He hears, He’ll answer.
Just ask. Just reach. There is enough grace to see you through whatever it is you may be afraid of or worried about or think you can’t change. He is faithful.
I always have K-Love on in my kitchen. Rarely does it get turned down or shut off. Unless absolute silence is needed.
It is 8:08…
Amazing Grace is playing.
His word, my hope secure…
My chains are gone, I’ve been set free…
Unending love, amazing grace…
And like a flood, His mercy reigns…
Unending love, amazing grace….