My 3 year old daughter comes around the corner as I’m in the kitchen, says “mom, mom….mom, I love you”…my heart melts…that’s it? That’s all she needed? This time. Smile. She exits and I continue with my favorite chore, washing dishes, said no woman ever…My response to her is always I love you more, and she’ll say, I love you most…

My heart beats to this drum. She brings me life somedays along with her patience with me, along with her resilience, along with her heart that always allows apologies and please, just a minutes, and maybe laters, or no not yets…

As my hands are mindlessly scrubbing, my mind is churning, which is nothing new. I’m thinking to myself, I spend a lot of time concentrating on what’s wrong, rather than what’s right. I’m groaning over these dishes instead of rejoicing that I get to be at home, so I can have moments like this. I’m always wondering what’s next, instead of seeing what’s in front of me. I never underestimate moments like these, wow, is He always showing up in some way that opens my eyes or catches my breath or holds me still.

As I continue to stand there, my heart races, my mind is just thinking about the what-ifs, the could have beens, the maybes, the well that didn’t happens, the things I didn’t accomplish, the hearts I’ve broken, the time lost, the time spent, the time ticking, the time stopping, for just a moment, so I could wake up, so I could actually hear what my daughter said to me. She loves me. Wow, i needed that. Her love is so unconditional. No matter what mood I’m in or what’s going on, she loves me.

I don’t always want to focus on what’s wrong or what isn’t, but as the human I’ve become, it is one of my battles. I appreciate everything, in my mind, in my heart, but I do struggle with living that out. I struggle with accepting I’m allowed to be happy, I’m allowed to enjoy what my life is or has become, I struggle with being loved. Which I feel like is a lot of why I shut down, shut off, isolate…it’s easier sometimes to just be alone.

But…

But she made me see today, how far my heart has come, how much I’ve healed, how much I’ve forgiven, how much more I can love, how cold my heart was and how it’s warming up….

By the grace of God, I’m learning how to be loved, how to love, how to not so much live by my emotions, but on the truth of God’s word. I guess I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling undeserving or unworthy. It’s been a challenge to accept that God is for me. That He loves me and that I can accept that love. I’m still working on that, for sure…It’s been a cracking open all the wounds, heart wide open, healing experience. It’s tough to look at your demons, and actually hear the truth, and I’m still working on that, but hearing her say I love you reminded me. It reminded me that I need to spend more time living out God’s love, His promises, His truth…I get it, but a lot of the time I’m not accepting of it. I reject it. Could you imagine the heartbreak if I would have rejected my daughter’s I love you this morning? How would she have felt? Hurt, betrayed, sad, alone, heart broken? I wonder if God feels that way when I reject Him or ignore Him or deny His I love you’s? He is God, and certainly doesn’t need my approval, but He certainly keeps pursuing me. He certainly keeps reaching out. He certainly keeps working in my life, regardless of how I feel or act or treat Him. What would it be like if I spent more time thanking and agreeing and working and pursuing and reaching and walking along side Him instead of against Him? Grace. The greatest gift I’ve ever received. Applying it, I’m not always the best, sometimes I’m not too good at giving grace either. I am so perfectly flawed. So longing for hearts to be healed and hurt to be gone and things to be perfect, for all, for anyone who hurts or is scared or is alone or maybe doesn’t know God’s love. I long for others to understand the relationship that can be had with Him. The healing and the friendship. Sometimes I forget that I can have it too. That I need to live it out as well. That I need to focus on these beautiful things in front of me, the people who put up with me, the fortunate things that have happened, the unfortunate, the battles that have shaped me or are shaping me, and that my heart is transforming continually as I walk with God, hand in hand, side by side. Sometimes I let go, sometimes I drift off the path, sometimes I go a different direction, sometimes I hold on so tight I grimace from the grasp, sometimes I run towards Him, sometimes I run away. Sometimes I sit and scream at Him, sometimes I pray so silent I can’t even hear. Sometimes I’m open, sometimes I’m shut. Sometimes I forget all the times He has worked in my life. Sometimes I fight His will, and most definitely deny His desire for my heart to succeed, to be healed, to be happy…

As much as it healed my heart this morning to hear my daughter say I love you, God’s love can heal our hearts as well. After all, my children are just four of the many gifts and ways He has shown me love. What miracles they are. What blessings they bestow. What their I love you’s do to this momma’s heart are just as intoxicating as the way God’s love permeates my soul, my darkness, my hurt , my pain. He pulls me out, He reminds me daily I can, He extends out His hand, His grasp way bigger than any fear or worry or doubt or sin….

I’m just in awe that with God’s love, through situations and trials and insecurities and battles of the heart and mind, His love can restore. It can bring you peace. It can repair the cracks. But the one thing I need to remember is, that I have to let it, accept it, let it mold me, heal me, hold me, embrace me, hug me….

Let grace hug me. Let me hug it back and never let it go. Let me live by that. For that. With that. Grace. Give grace. Give Grace A Hug❤️