I sit here this morning,
As the year comes to a close,
My mind is wandering,
Where is it time goes?

Tick tock, tick tock,
Says the clock.
Can’t I make it stop?
Can’t it slow down?
At least for a minute.
A second or so.
I mean really,
Seriously, where does time go?

How much time did I waste?
Spending it with hurry and haste.
How much time did I lose to my fear?
I swear I’m not doing it again this year.
Sometimes I wonder if I sold my time out.
Worrying and waiting,
In the throws of doubt.
Forgetting I believe in the promises from above,
How many times did He give me a shove?
In a different direction than the one I had planned.
You know the way I thought I knew how?
The way I mapped out.
The map I drew.
Funny.
I forgot He already knew.
He knew I’d be here at this moment,
Pondering my life.
Questioning it all,
Thinking of the past.

I remember how I’m so small.
As humble as I try to be,
As patient as I am,
I forget I am nothing without the death of this man.
Humble.
Let’s not forget what He did for us.
Giving His life to rescue and save,
So we would no longer be slaves.
So we could live.
A new life found,
An old life gone,
Left at the foot,
With the ashes and soot,
As the old me burned to the ground,
No longer lost,
But found.

But why am I still experiencing fear?
Why am I petrified to move?
To get out,
To push on?
Let me be clear.
The face I show is none like the one that is real.
As I talk and smile and move through the day,
I battle the voices that tell me to stay.
That tell me I’m not enough and never will be.
That freeze me in doubt,
And pierce my soul,
That hold me still and taunt me.
Filling my head with things I don’t need,
I am my own worst enemy.
The battle with evil is real my friends.
Taking what’s good till you believe it’s not.
The enemy will drag you down till he’s all you got.
Even when you still believe,
If he sees an inch,
He will proceed to deceive.
Till you believe the lies told about yourself,
About others.
About life.
About how perfect it’d be if you just give up.
Surrender to him,
He says in your ear.
Ahhhhh, come on, It’s a new year.
Lets start fresh, together, hand in hand.
Lets do all the things that you never planned.
Lets hang on to the fear and doubt.
Lets keep thinking you’re never enough.
Wow.
This is tough.

I’m tired, so tired of not living life.
Being stifled by fear,
Overcome with strife.
Man, I didn’t get saved to live like this.
To hide in a corner,
Till it’s safe to come out.

Forget that.
I’m done.
Enemy be gone.
Leave me alone for good,
I proclaim.
I give you no room to work here any longer.
I give you no room to touch the lives of those I love.
Even myself.
Leave me alone.
By the power of the blood.
In Jesus’s name.
Wash it all away,
Right here.
Right now.
I declare my victory.
Alone I have no power,
But with the blood I certainly do.
I forget with salvation,
I’ve already won.
Eternity is mine.
Life here on earth will go on.
Good things.
Bad.
Happy.
Sad.
Life.
Death.
Victory.
Defeat.
Repeat.

I’m not not going into this new year with a plan.
I’m going in knowing I have HIs hand.
His hand to hold when it gets tough,
To pick me up when I’ve had enough.
HIs hand to guide me to the wisdom I need,
To continue watering the seed.
To point me in the direction I should go,
To hug me when I’m sad,
To calm me when I’m mad.
To nudge me when I’m feeling lost,
To absolutely love me without a cost.

Now that’s the best part.
Knowing I’m loved.
Regardless of the failure I’ve become.
Regardless of the things I’ve done.
Regardless of the wrongs I never made right.
Regardless of the times I took flight.
Regardless of my stubbornness and will.
He’s still there.
The same as before.
Before I knew Him.
Before I cared.
Before I wondered.
Before I was found.
He pulled me up from the dirty ground.
He saved me then,
He can save me now.
He can.
He will.
Although I’ll always wonder how,
Although it’s a mystery,
I’ll never doubt the grace that saved me.
That feeling of love and peace,
In that moment,
And still,
Washed over me then,
Is washing over me now.
As I write,
I remember,
The victory is won.
Death is defeated.
Sin washed away.
Then and today.
Declare it’s yours.
Reach out your hand.
He’s waiting on you to take your stand.
To give Him your heart,
To open it up,
To fill it full,
To repair your broken,
Your hurts,
Your guilt.
Give it to Him,
He’ll give you His grace in return.
He’ll hug you tight.
Right now and tonight.
He’ll wrap you up in mercy and love.
Just give grace a chance.
Please…
Give Grace…
Give Grace A Hug❤️

 

 

This popped up on my Facebook memories yesterday. From two years ago. Amazing how so much has changed, yet so little. I’m literally standing in the same situation right now as I was two years ago. The only constant is the love from my Heavenly Father. It has remained. And the grace. The never ending grace that has faithfully renewed my heart in all moments. Moments of silence. Moments in the noise. Moments  when all there was left to do was jump.

Holding my breath, praying to God…

On any of my posts I write, it comes from the bottom of my heart, from broken moments with the deepest of feeling. The moments when I’m slouched against the kitchen cabinets, begging for mercy. There are times in life that are just hard. Situations are tough, relationships are tough, saying no is tough, lending a hand is tough, love is tough. There are days when the walls of hurt and shame and guilt and fear and doubt and anger and remorse and flat out pain crash at your door all day long. It only takes a second for these emotions to invade our hearts that started with such good intention just hours ago. In times like these lately I find myself thinking of a moment that happened a few weeks ago.

Have you ever caught your two year old jumping from the top step of the stairs? How they trust fully and hop into your arms with no fear or doubt that you won’t catch them? How they leap with all their might and just smile when you catch them and giggle all the way down? How when they are that age they don’t know fear or hate or doubt. They trust fully in us to catch them. I’ve been comparing this to how I would like my faith to be. Childlike. Like the faith that my child has in me. They are ever so trusting and fearless because we nurture that. We show them that. Isn’t that how we as believers should fall into our Father’s arms? Not just in bad times but in all times. In moments of fear and brokenness as well as moments of happiness and joy. Trusting. Fearless. Falling ever so deep into the love and grace and mercy that we as humans struggle to share with one another? Especially in the “adult” world.

If he can’t catch us, who will???

We find that people are tangible and relationships end. That good deeds almost always go unnoticed and that suffering is part of this process we call life. I feel He called us here for a reason. Our position is of the utmost importance. While there are days when it seems He is no where to be found, He really is right there. He doesn’t stray, we do. We take this thing we call the “world” into our own hands. We fix and bandaid and coddle and deny. We push and pull and drag until we find we can’t “fix” these things on our own anymore. Divine intervention. Stumbling to our knees. Begging for truth and mercy. I’m really there today. Asking for forgiveness in my shortcomings.

Change me Lord…

Guide me Lord for I’m weak and without answers.

Take me by the hand Lord, like a little child, and lead me through these rough waters…

I know there will be glory on the other side Lord because I have faith in your plan. This is not always easy to do. My plan isn’t always “the plan”. Lord grant me the patience to ride this storm out with your grace and mercy leading the way.

Looking for a scripture, I found this. Zephaniah 3:17: “The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”

That’s everything I needed to hear…His love is so strong and mighty that he can quiet my fears, He will love so strongly I will be silenced by his grace. Hushed by his presence. I can rest in his arms…Mmmm…Peace and comfort of that like a child cuddled in it’s mommy’s arms. Jumping from that step. Not afraid, but armed with the love of God…

Thank you Lord…

Grace could be tired today, for I have hugged it nonstop…..

Give Grace A Hug❤️