After reading my devotion this morning, I’m just sitting here like…like motionless, stuck to my seat, hands clasped, praying for life…praying for guidance, forgiveness, endurance, praying for peace, praying for comfort…Overwhelming would be an understatement some days…good or bad…long or short…big or little…my head has been spinning this past week or so with many thoughts…I could ask for nothing more, I couldn’t have a more beautiful family…our house isn’t a mansion but it’s ours, it’s warm, full of laughter and tears, joy and sorrow. Full of the pitter patter of little feet and the stomping of much larger…it rings in my head, the sounds of the dishwasher whirring, the TV murmuring, the voices going back and forth…it brings tears to my eyes to think about how I got here, how I’ve even made it this far…I sit in wonderment of every gift, every blessing, every prayer, answered or not, every moment that led to this moment right here, right now…I sit in awe of how it can be so. How did I get here? Why? Memories stir of chances I blew, of days when I didn’t think I would make it to the end, of heartache and sorrow, of all the times I didn’t deserve another day on this earth…of all the times somehow, someway I made it. The paycheck that came, or a friend lifted my spirits, my mom called, a sitter came through, that mailbox survived another night as I drove home when I shouldn’t have or drove home drowsy from third shift…or maybe I survived…I survived for a reason. A purpose. We spend all our lives searching for our purpose. Our mean. Our worth. Our fancy jobs, our slick cars, our designer shoes, our designer clothes, our fake relationships to climb that social ladder, our desire to appear better than we really are…but know what has really amazed me lately? None of that junk matters. It doesn’t matter if I’ve led a “perfect” life or sinned since the day I was able…it doesn’t matter if my car is new or so old it barely runs… It doesn’t matter if I’m cute or not, nice or not, funny or not…it doesn’t matter…what I’m amazed at is that it is nothing I’ve ever done or not done…the other day it just hit me like a brick. Pow. Smack. Ouch. In my face. It is nothing that I have done, it is not words I have spoken, actions I’ve taken, none of that…it is not my love for Him, it is His love for me. It is His love that picked me up, shook me, woke me…so many times I didn’t deserve His grace, a second chance, a fresh start. So many times. So many times I have wronged, I have been selfish, I have repeated the same mistake over and over and over and over….so many times. So many times I cried out in vain, thought no one was there, no one could hear me. Wrong. Again. He’s heard me. He’s heard me all this time. Even when I shook Him off, even when I screamed at Him for taking things and people I cared for. Even when I cried myself to sleep night after night feeling lost and alone. I wasn’t. I wasn’t. I really wasn’t. Without me even knowing, I wasn’t. He woke me. Day after day. Year after year. Failure after failure. He gave me life even when I didn’t want it any more. He led me here, where I am now. He knew my path way before I even thought I knew where I wanted to go. That to me is just gut wrenching. He knew exactly where to place me. He knew where to put me. Oh, believe, daily I struggle. I wrestle with things only He knows. But wow. To know I have a friend in Jesus has been life changing for me. To know I am a mess and He still loves me day in and day out. I can’t ask for anything more. I only want to be more like Him…I know I will never come close, but I will die trying. Every day I work on accepting I am His and this life He has given me is where I need to be. Where I can make a difference. Understanding that my purpose is exactly in this moment. It’s this life right now. It’s my family, my friends, that stranger I smile at, or the child that needs help tying his shoe. It’s the hug needed after a long day at work, it’s the meal on the table, the laundry folded, the cheering at the basketball game. That is my life. This is what He has given me. Embracing where I am, hugging Grace has changed me. Changed my life. My purpose. My challenge. To be more like Christ. Living in Him is a freedom unlike any freedom I have ever known. Grace is amazing. I can forgive my past, because He already has. Living in today, he is budging me from graceless to grace-shaped…I accept…hear that sigh of relief? Breathe. Deep. Take His hand. It is always there.
Ephesians 2:8-9… For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast….
