Am I the only mom who squeezes in her quiet time in the bathroom??? Like I tell the kids, “ok, mommy has to go to the bathroom, I’ll be back in a minute.” HA. I run, I escape, i scurry to put the lid down and just sit there. It really is the only place I can find silence some days. I can laugh now as I read this, but seriously, in the moment, it’s like the first taste of chocolate after a fast or that fresh breath of air as you step outside into the crisp morning…so sought. So necessary. So ridiculous. So me. After a phone conversation with someone I hold dear to my heart this morning, this someone I really haven’t talked to much at all lately, this someone who can always relate, this someone whom I’ve neglected to be a friend to, is struggling with the same things I am.
It just hit me.
Us moms, us dads, us parents, be us single or married or be us working or not, be us in this together, but yet worlds away.
As I’m squeezing in my “potty time”, I rehash our conversation. All over the place, up, down, one subject to the next, different scenarios, yet we are both the same.
Frazzled. Impatient. Feeling guilty. Wanting to be the best mom, wife, friend we can be, but struggling to get laundry done, chores, homework, free time, let alone read a book to our littlest without falling asleep, or listen to the stories of the day without our minds wandering all over the things we didn’t accomplish or the things we need to…
Which brings me to this one statement we both agreed upon.
I’m trying to find balance.
Balance.
What the heck is balance?
Define balance.
A condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions.
Hmmmm.
Or this definition: an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady.
Ok, bear with me with one more: stability of one’s mind or feelings.
Balance.
I’m still working on that.
Been thinking about it a lot.
Trying to find it, implement it, live it.
How do we do it?
How do we keep different elements of our lives in proportion? How do we balance extra curricular activities with the time left on the clock? How do we balance homework and prayer? Dinner and sports? Chores and sleep? Work and play? Where is the healthy balance? What do we let go of to maintain balance? Heck, to even find balance? Let alone maintain it.
Which brings me to the thought of it’s no wonder I can’t keep my balance, I can’t stand up straight, because I’m so wrapped up in searching for it, how can I keep it? I fall over. Face first. I dip here, dabble there, never finish and am constantly treading to keep my balance.
How do you stand up when you’re juggling life? When your own demons surface? When the silent inner battles are destroying the balance of your own two emotional feet, in the meantime, you are steady trying to balance kids and work and your spouse and life while longing for balance of your heart, your mind, your soul…
Balance.
Somedays are so good I can’t keep my balance. Some days are so bad I can’t keep my balance. Somedays I can’t even balance the checkbook let alone throw in laundry, dry it, fold it and put it away.
Let’s throw in eating healthy, exercising, showering, cooking, cleaning, working, playing. Sleep is overrated, right?
Balance.
This word just keeps haunting me. I want to find it. Shake it. Tell it to leave me alone.
Dirty word balance.
Maybe I like trying to walk around on one foot, all tipsy, teetering, swaying, grasping for balance….
Or maybe. I don’t.
Maybe I’m always going to be searching for my balance. Life kinda knocks me off my feet now and again. Ok, maybe daily. Maybe one day I got this in the bag. Maybe the next day I don’t. I forget I’m human sometimes. I search for answers in the wrong places. I turn to find comfort in things I shouldn’t. I wall up. I hide. I give in. I fight. I walk away. I run. I fly.
Trying to find balance.
Balance with everything.
My heart just aches for us. All of us. Who isn’t trying to find balance? Whether it’s because you work too many hours, your family life is strained? Or maybe it’s finding balance with prayer and time with God versus your morning exercise routine? Maybe it’s finding balance with kid time versus significant other time? I think we are all looking to find our balance while we surf the waves of life…
When we fall off of our board and just say screw it, I wanted to swim anyway….
That’s when we find balance. When we realize we will probably never perfect it. Not with a house full of children, mouths to be fed, sports to be played, homework to be written, chores to be tackled, a job to be worked, boo boos to be kissed. This is our balance. All outta whack. Upside down. Inside out. Perfectly insane. Yet perfect. With God’s grace, He will give us our balance. He will stand us up when we are about to topple over. He hears our hearts. He sees us tipping. He meets us where we are. He picks us up. He reminds us, through the simplest of things, like phone chats, that we’re not alone. We’re not alone in trying to find balance. We’re not alone in feeling like we’re not enough. We’re not alone in trying our hardest yet still failing. We aren’t alone. We never were.
My heart cries out, but my voice overpowers, then my mind talks even louder. Thank God He hears my heart. He hears me asking for forgiveness for my impatience and short temper. He hears my sobs as I try to wash dishes, help with homework, attempt supper. He hears my longing for a friend to confide in. He hears my desire to be a better mom, spouse, friend, and a better me. He stands in front of me when I’m trying to avoid Him. He awakens me when I’m drifting off. He holds my hand when there is nothing else I can do but kneel, beg for guidance, mercy and grace. He is for me. He is for us. As parents, as families, as people. Trying to find balance in an unbalanced world.
Maybe balance is in His hands and was never ours to begin with. Maybe His hands are all we need to keep that balance. Maybe with more grace, forgiveness and mercy, balance will seem more attainable. Maybe…
Maybe a little of God’s touch is all we need to balance our chaos, our voices, our hearts, our lives…
Maybe if we just gave grace a hug. Over and over and over. Again and again. Balance of the heart will become a reality. Grace will balance us. Steady us. Transform us. Shake us. Shape us. Balance us. Hold us. Move us. Upright us.
Maybe…just maybe…Maybe I’ll take that chance. Maybe with Him, I’ll stop searching for balance, seek Him more and start seeing what’s right in front of me. Imperfection at it’s balanced best.
Give Grace A Hug❤️