I don’t know how it’s been two years since I wrote this or how it is possible my Mom has been gone for almost three years. Time, in a sense, has floated by these past few years, sometimes so quickly and other times so slowly, either way, leaving me at loss to remember as much as I would like. In the midst of it all, the highs, the lows, the ups and downs, the ins and outs, one thing has been constant regardless of my own position. The peace found in the comfort of a God who loves me. His Son who died to take the burden of sin and shame and yuck from my own shoulders. The Holy Spirit, who has time and time again guided me, reminded me, and refilled me. Today, on this Easter, I am forever saddened by His death, forever grateful of His sacrifice, forever changed by the grace given daily because of the blood shed on the cross. He died so I could live. Let me not forget that He is risen and that the same power lies in me, leaving Him not dead, but alive, alive in me…
I can’t put a finger on the mood I’ve been in the past few days, was chalking it up to hormones, stress, life…
Then the cool breeze of the morning brushed my cheek. It reminded me of her. Swept in, blew by, woke me for a quick second. It was then I realized that I missed her. I miss my mom. That may seem obvious to some, of course you miss your mother, how can you not miss your mother??? Me, well, I’m very good at hiding how it hurts to miss her, hiding how I feel guilty I had no words as she slipped away, hiding, how up to her very last breath, I held her hand, and somehow I kept it together. Look at me now…
A mess…Unavailable…Detached…
Sometimes I know there are other reasons to pin my rash mood swings on. Lately I’m feeling my outbursts of tears, my silent cries are from the longing of the friendship I miss with all my heart. When you realize how alone you’ve made yourself, but only to cope, only to grieve, only to deal. But what do you do when you’re standing there in this darkness, this isolation, looking around, and seeing what you’ve created?
I, myself am too good at shutting off. Protection. Defense. Denial. Denial? Damn it, I hate it when I’m right. When I sit here and have these self talks. When honesty of self comes to sit square in front of me and look me in the eye. I’m not unfeeling, the exact opposite. I’m over feeling, just ask my teenage son, he’ll tell you, I cry too much. I’m an emotional fool. I love to love and I hate when I can’t. I despise not being able to attach, to hug, to feel. Complete opposite ends of the spectrum, yep, that’s me for sure.
As I sit here, I’m thinking wow, I’m borderline nuts. Crazy. Wacko. Then, I hear that voice, no you’re not, you’re human. Our hearts are capable of such great feeling, yet at the same time, our hearts are very susceptible to becoming deadened, quickly, fast, especially when the mind or the world has a say. Grief is sometimes unexplainable. I’ve never been on such a ride of emotions. Not sure how to compare losing a parent to other losses I’ve experienced. All weighted, all different, unique relationships that were lost, and still missed. Each one putting their individual mark on my heart. Each one touched my life in their own way. Remembering my Grandpa and his lap, his smell of White Owls and Hall’s cough drops, was the best place to snuggle and bury my head in his chest. My Grandma, gosh, I miss her, her feeding me non stop, her little impromptu gifts, the times she held me up even when she didn’t have a clue what was going on but knew I needed her. The father of my first two children. My first attempt at love, I fell hard, face first, he gave me two reasons to push on…
So putting a finger on losing my mom. Almost impossible. What didn’t she do for me? When didn’t she listen even when she wasn’t interested? When did she ever hurt me as I may have hurt her? Our struggles many, disagreements plenty…but never once did I doubt she loved me. Even when some of the things she did seemed weird or wrong or too nice or too mean or just plain foolish. This past year I’ve realized, everything, I mean everything she did, she did out of love. Love. Whether it was the “right” thing to do or not, it stemmed from the love she had as a mother. It’s unmeasurable. How do I go from that to trying to understand she’s not here with me anymore?
Then the breeze brushed my cheek again….
Aaahhhh, there she is. She is here with me. Everyday. She can’t rescue me from a financial hardship or pat my back, or hold my hand, or tuck me in or yell at me or mail a birthday card. But I think what she left me with was much more. She left me with a desire to understand the love she had. She opened my eyes to what a heart can feel and do with the power of love behind it. Not just her love, but love from above. She opened my eyes and heart to grace. God’s love. Wow, she left us in a whirl. Right in the eye of the storm. Right when we needed her most. But if anything has carried me through this past year, it’s because I decided to give grace a hug…
When I’m at the very last ounce of strength, that last drop of will, that last push, that last pull, that last “I can’t do this anymore”, He will meet me right there at the end of myself.
With open arms, unending love, forgiveness, mercy and grace…
Kinda how my mom met me most of the time, I’d like to think, and with a heart full of love.
How can you not miss that?
Oh, I miss her beyond words and it has become very obvious lately.
But with His love, the Son He sent to save my broken self, and the Holy Spirit alive within, it may not be easy ever, but I will get through it. He will see me through it. I will rest knowing that though physically my mom is no longer here on earth, her love is always with me, from the memories to the breeze on my face, she will never be forgotten.
As God never forgets us.
Never stops loving us.
Patiently waits for us.
Wraps us in His arms and never lets us go, even when we think we know better.
Just as I remember my mother’s love….
Deep, wide and all encompassing…
His love never fails..Never gives up…Never runs out…How awesome is that? Even in a time of darkness, sorrow, depression, despair…
His love is guiding us, His love is right there waiting on us…
Waiting on our last, feeble, weak attempt at grasping onto dear life…
New life…
By taking His hand…
Having faith…
Giving grace…
Giving grace a hug…
2 Corinthians 12:9 (ESV)9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
