Ahhhhh….time flies. From May 2016. And here we are, another school year over….
Another school year to an end. I mean seriously, didn’t it just begin?
From soccer to basketball, orchestra and art,
I’m pretty sure we just said start.
This year has flown by in ways more than one,
I just hope in some way they had some fun.
As I close my eyes and think about the memories made,
I mean what do I remember?
Did I make the grade?
Was I supportive?
Did I nag?
Did I forget to put the juicee in your lunch bag?
Did I kiss them goodbye everyday?
Did I tell them I love them as they went on their way?
Did I hold their hands long enough that they felt it?
Did I always encourage rather than quit?
Did I push?
Did I pull?
Did I love them enough?
Did I?
Did I?
Oh, this is tough.
The trips to infinity and beyond,
The homework,
The laughs,
The frustration,
The tears,
The wisdom beyond their years.
This is what we live for,
These hearts so pure,
These hearts so trusting,
These hearts so true,
These hearts wide open,
These hearts are growing into their own,
These hearts have made me love them all the way to the bone,
As I watched them grow all year long,
It’s hard not to remember what went wrong,
From boo boos to broken hearts,
From bruised egos to fights,
From a momma’s many sleepless nights,
From straight a’s to not so much,
From a hairdo I couldn’t touch,
From trying to find the good in the bad,
From mad to glad to sad,
From pouting because the shoes cost too much,
To shouting over who’s the best in the clutch?
From disappointment to disaster,
To the best gift ever made of plaster,
To the countless drawings of your not sure what,
To bring stuck in a rut,
To homework with check marks,
To Baggie books to read,
To praying to God you just planted a seed,
To wishing them well,
To telling them no,
To hugging them tight,
To letting them go,
To holding them till the hurt subsides,
To pushing them away as you cried,
To sitting at the table sobbing in your own arms,
To praying for protection from all kinds of harm,
To gentle kisses and exhausted good nights,
I think we can rest we did something right.
We tried.
We cared.
We fought.
We shared.
We hurt.
We laughed.
We fell.
We got up.
We loved.
We laughed.
We put together.
We fell apart.
But we did it with all of our heart.
We love you more than you can ever imagine,
Forgive us for our lack of perfection,
Forgive us for being that mom in the crowd,
Forgive us for giggling ever so loud,
Forgive us for wearing our hearts on our sleeves,
Forgive us for our many, many pet peeves,
Forgive us for being late,
Forgive us for not coming,
Forgive us for trying to be in more places than one,
Over Scheduling,
And forgetting to just have fun,
Forgive us for the meeting we forgot,
The sock we misplaced,
Or the burnt food in the pot.
I promise you I tried.
I promise you I cared.
I promise you I will love you more than you’ve ever been dared.
I promise you your hugs are like gold to me,
I promise you there’s way more love than you’ll ever see,
I promise you my heart overflows when you just smile,
I promise you’ve made my life completely worthwhile,
I promise I pray for you more than you know,
I promise I’m working on letting you go,
I promise to love you as you become your own,
I promise I love you even if you feel alone,
I promise…
I promise…
I promise to you,
While I’m no where near perfect,
My love is perfectly true.
For you,
My children,
I try with all my heart,
Somedays I don’t know where to start,
Somedays it’s all I got,
Somedays it’s all tipsy turvy,
Somedays it’s not,
But know that I as finish each day when I finally hit the bed,
Full of the day’s memories dancing through my head,
I’m praying for more patience I’ll need for tomorrow,
More love,
More kindness,
More mercy and grace,
More thankfulness,
More truth,
More passion,
More of your embrace.
Thank you for being the child you are.
Thank you for your spirit,
Thank you for your light,
Thank you for reminding me to fight,
Thank you for inspiring me to be better,
Thank you so much for reading this letter.
Know I’m not always good at saying things right,
But if you know anything,
Know that I love you.
I love you with all of my might❤️
Month: May 2017
If You Are A Mother
If you are a son or daughter without your Mother today,
My heart feels your loss.
If you are a Mother today struggling to relate to any children of your own,
My heart breaks the same.
If you are someone today who is providing care to a child not your own,
My heart knows the challenges you face.
If you are a Mother who has lost a child, I can’t even imagine how much it must hurt.
My heart cries for your healing.
If you are a woman longing to have a child all your own,
My heart longs with you.
If you are a Mother,
You may know how it feels to long be noticed, even if only for a day.
To be shown in return, the love you pour out over and over, even when you are empty yourself.
If you are a Mother,
You may understand when I say it can be lonely.
Lonely at the top of the laundry mountain.
Lonely at the bottom of the kitchen sink.
Lonely after a long day at work.
Sometimes we are left depleted and shot.
But I’ll tell you,
If you’re a Mother,
Somedays it is all you got.
I know.
I know our value is not found in our work.
But.
If you’re a Mother,
You may know we tend to search.
Search for our worth.
Search in that meal we didn’t cook.
Search in the laundry undone.
Search in the time we yelled.
Search in that homework overlooked.
Maybe.
Maybe we think we’re not worth much at all.
Because we forgot to call.
Because we left our floors a mess.
Because we wouldn’t let you wear “that dress”.
Because we fell asleep reading that book.
Because we ignored you that time you said, “look, MOMMY, look”.
Because I could sit her today and tell you all I’ve done wrong.
How I hold myself accountable.
For.
EVERY.
SINGLE.
FALL.
Every break . Every bend.
I’m telling you,
As a Mother,
The list does not end.
If I could tell you how much I love you,
There really aren’t enough words.
No.
Really.
You don’t understand.
It’s absurd.
Every time you cry,
A part of me dies.
Every time you fail. I want to fix it.
Every time someone broke your heart.
Man.
Do you know how hard it was to not? To not find them and ask them why??? To shake them. to scare them, to do something to get that look from your eyes???
If you’re a Mother,
You may know the depth of my love.
It’s unmeasurable.
To infinity and beyond.
I may not show it in all the ways I should.
It may come out in words misunderstood.
“Put your seatbelt on”
“Be careful”
“Don’t do that”
“Don’t talk to me that way”
In hugs and kisses.
EVERY.
SINGLE.
DAY.
But I”ll say,
As a Mother,
I do forget.
I do say it wrong.
I do mess up.
I do repent.
I do get up and try again.
Just for you.
Just because.
Because I want you to be so much more than I ever was.
I want you to know your worth is beyond measure.
To see you are a treasure.
Just because you are you.
You are special just your way.
Believe that.
Believe that today.
Believe that every day.
So today as a Mother,
I want you to know,
I’m standing in prayer,
Whether you are hurting or not.
You are in my thoughts.
If you feel lonely today.
Take heart.
I’m with you.
Tomorrow is a new start.
Hold on.
Hold on to the memories.
Grab on.
Grab on to new hope.
Hug.
Hug the grace that saved you before.
Hug it some more.
Let it.
Let it wash away the tears.
Let it permeate your fears.
Let it hold you as if your Mother was near.
Let it flood each and every space.
Let it shine on your beautiful face.
As a Mother,
I know it’s hard.
As a Mother,
I also know,
Your heart is a s resilient as they come.
You’ll bounce back.
You’ll see.
If you are a Mother you will find a way.
If you are not a Mother,
I hope you are someday.
It truly could be one of God’s greatest gifts…
But hear this…
If you’re a Mother.
If you are anyone feeling lonely today.
Not quite able to celebrate,
But thankful just the same.
I lift you up,
In Jesus’ name.
May you find comfort.
May our prayers be heard.
May grace wash you clean as you read every word.
As a Mother,
To me, YOU are beautiful.
To me, YOU are loved.
To me, YOU are tough.
To me, YOU are enough.
Try to find the beauty somewhere, in something, today.
I’m right there beside you, struggling in the same way.
Know you are loved by the One up above.
Your worth found in Him no money could buy.
Please don’t cry.
Please just try.
Try to see yourself as He does.
Priceless.
Your worth could never be bought.
Much like a Mother’s love,
And somedays.
Somedays,
It IS all you got.
Happy Mother’s Day!
Give Grace.
Give Grace A Hug❤️
Everyday is Mother’s Day…
How has it been almost three years, Mom? Mother’s Day is not the same. Hell. No day is the same without you. Miss you. Happy Mother’s Day in heaven❤️
From May 2015:
It’s with a heavy heart I’m approaching the morning… Honestly, I’m not sure how to feel. I’ve been blessed beyond words with being able to be a mom to four beautiful children and also the gift of a grandchild, who is like my own. For this, I celebrate. They are my rainbow to the storm, sometimes they are storm, they are the sprinkles on my ice cream, they are God’s precious gifts meant for me. They teach me daily how to be better, to love unconditionally, to be more patient…ahhhh, the tears are rolling already. This won’t be easy….This will be the first Mother’s Day I’m going to be without my Mom here along side of me. At this time last year, she had just gotten out of ICU, into a room a bit more comfortable, although her comfort was only achieved by pain meds that could kill a horse. We found out not too long before this, she had colorectal cancer. Long story short, she opted for hospice…what a bittersweet moment knowing she decided to not even fight, even a little, but to also know, someday soon, she would return to a much better place, her pain gone, her soul laid to rest. It was hard to let her give up, it was hard to watch her suffer, it was even harder to know she was on her way out…
Circumstances came about that she actually spent her last weeks in my home. Wow. Now, as I look back, everyday there was a new challenge. I remember the day she arrived, my heart beamed, just like any other day when your Mom comes to visit. Visit. I guess you could call it that. Taking care of someone that has opted for hospice, is a task unlike any other. It requires, strength, patience, endurance, dedication, but most of all it takes love. A hell of a lot of love. And somehow also take care of my family as well. It’s no wonder a lot of this time is a blur, I didn’t have time to think…But as I sit here now, recollecting the memories of this time, I see how much she needed me. How I was her lifeline, her link to everything. Funny how life comes full circle. Waiting on her hand and foot, changing her colostomy bag, pain meds, baths, turn the tv up, turn the tv down, change the channel, I’ll take some more fruit and yogurt…these things I provided for her were her everything. How would she have been comfortable without this care? How am I supposed to be comfortable without my Mom? How selfish of me, I think out loud. How selfish of me. My heart breaks thinking of all the times she was unselfish for me. The times when she placed her own needs aside to provide for us. It was the least I could do, to care for her in her last days. The least I could do.
For me, I see what God was doing in my life before this time. He pulled me in, He found me before this, to prepare me, to be with me…many other things going on at this same time, He knew I was going to need Him. In the greatest way. It was only through God given strength I made it. Little sleep, countless cups of coffee, kids asking to play, household duties…an endless list. But somehow He provided me with everything I needed. He gave me the courage to stand even at my weakest moments. He guided me, somehow to, even at wits end, to still prepare supper, enjoy my kids, take care of my Mom, still be there for my family. Ahhhh, some days, no one knows but Him and I how taxed I really was. How spent and drained and detached I had become. What a task He sent me on.
But, as I think, I mean as mothers, isn’t that we are called to do? Provide. Take care. Nourish. Raise children. Prepare. Love. Give. Hurt. Cry. Teach. I don’t have a lot of childhood memories of the good stuff. That’s just another piece of my puzzle. But one piece I never doubted was the love I have always felt from my Mom. Whether she agreed or not, liked me or not, did or did not approve of my life choices, she never turned her back on me. Maybe even when she should have. She continued to love me through some of the hardest times of my own life. Taking care of her during her last breaths was the least, absolute least, I could do in return for her selfless, unwavering love she me showered me with till the day God called her home. Till the day, that moment, as we held hands, her breath slowed to a stop, and her grip on this earthly life released.
You know, a part of me went with her that day. I’ll never be the same. What a huge piece of my heart. Damn it, if I was too selfish to see it before she left. In no way will she ever be replaced. A piece of my puzzle, that I’d like to think is in heaven, gone till we meet again one day. Oh, how I can’t wait…
But for now, the fact of the matter is, her legacy of love continues. It lives in me. Her love will always be with me. I’d be lying if I said that thought is always enough. Somedays it’s really not. It doesn’t replace her in any way. But what is enough, is that in this process, somehow I stumbled on the love of Jesus Christ. I can’t say I like her being gone, not in the least. But I can say that now, now I know I won’t ever be alone again, and on those hard days, when her memory doesn’t quite get it, I can rest in the palm of His grace, His mercy, find comfort in His unending love, not unlike that same love, that same unending love of my mother’s….
Mom, you are forever in my heart, may your soul rest, I love you…
Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mommas out there!!!
Give Grace A hug!!!
Lamentations 3:31-33 “For no one is cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone.”