Sitting in the sun today,
It feels hotter than normal.
The rays are hot,
They penetrate my soul.
Just another thing I can’t control.
As the heat makes my skin turn pink,
You already know,
I just sit and think.
So far away,
Yet so close,
It’s as if that ball of fire
Knows my every desire.
It warms me from the inside out.
Who am I?
Who am I to doubt?
As the birds chirp,
As the breeze blows through,
I find myself.
I find myself looking to You.
Where are You?
Where have You been?
Why do I feel so lonely again?
Why do put myself aside?
Why do I hide?
Why can’t I fix it all?
Man, I really am so small.
Why do I continue to know You yet act as if You’ve been forgot?
Why God why?
Why?
Just a thought.
As the heat brings sweat to my face,
Each drop reminds of the race.
The race I didn’t win.
The race I lost.
The race I didn’t enter,
Because too much was the cost.
The race in front of me.
The race behind.
The race in between.
Am I losing my mind?
Am I losing my grip?
Am I?
Am I?
I can feel the slip.
I can feel the pull.
I feel like a fool.
I feel like these things that are out of my hand,
Are killing me inside.
Was that Your plan?
To leave me here just dangling over the edge?
To watch me drop off?
To fall again?
To grasp to that string so loosely attached?
To watch my hands hurt as I try?
To see my heart ache,
As I say goodbye.
Goodbye to what?
My sin?
Your glory?
My belief?
Your story?
My pain?
Your healing?
My forgetfulness?
Your forgiveness?
What?
What am I thinking?
To walk away,
Would be defeating.
But it hurts.
It hurts my heart.
Damn it?
Where do I start?
All over again.
Again?
Why did I walk?
Please.
Please, just talk.
Talk to me.
Hear me.
Tell me what’s next.
Save me from myself.
From my own personal mess.
Tell me it’s ok.
Tell me how.
Now.
Now God now.
Tell me.
Tell me.
Wait.
I have to listen?
Wait.
I have to stop to hear Your voice?
Wait.
Wait.
I have no choice.
Wait.
Isn’t that all I do?
Is wait.
Wait on You?
I don’t like it when You talk to me like that.
When You tell me what to do.
Isn’t my plan what’s best?
Isn’t my way part of the test?
I’m tired.
Tired of trying to figure it out.
Tired of my own selfish doubt.
Tired of looking around and seeing what I see.
I’m tired of me.
I’m tired of giving in.
I’m tired of sin.
I’m tired all the way through.
What do I do?
What?
WHAT??
Why am I yelling at You?
Because I’m mad God.
I’m mad.
I’m so mad it hurts.
I’m so mad I could scream.
And that would cause a scene.
Don’t want anyone to know where I’m at.
The struggle.
The pain.
The sadness.
Well, there’s that.
I said it.
My body hurts.
My heart aches.
My head is spinning.
I can feel my desire thinning.
This sin.
This sin of self absorption.
This sin of hate.
Hate for myself.
Is it too late?
Is it?
God?
Let me know?
I promise I’ll listen.
Just don’t let me go.
Don’t leave me.
Please wait.
I promise I will.
I promise.
I promise.
Ohhhhhhh.
My heart be still.
My heart is racing.
Look who I’m facing.
I’m standing here trying to go toe to toe.
With the One who made me.
The One who can save me.
The One who has more answers than I.
The One way up in the sky.
As I lift my gaze to the hot, hot sun,
The heat,
It’s hot.
It burns my eyes.
Is that a surprise?
Or a gentle reminder of the things He can do?
Maybe not so gentle,
But bold and hot.
Reminding me to doubt Him not.
Reminding me of the light found in Him.
Reminding me about my sin.
Reminding me the gift He gave.
Reminding me of His son.
His only one.
Who died upon that cross for me.
Don’t you see?
The battle has been won.
The war was fought long ago.
The price was paid.
How did that go?
Jesus gave His life you see.
For you.
For me.
For everybody.
For those who believe.
Believe in the power of the cross.
Believe in nothing is ever lost.
Believe in His grace to wash you clean.
Believe you are worth saving.
Know what I mean?
Do you?
Do I?
Some days I don’t.
Some days I drift as if I haven’t been saved.
As if I haven’t accepted the price He paid.
As if my fear is greater than He.
As if my life depended on me.
Ha.
Funny story.
My life was never mine.
That’s hard to swallow.
That’s kinda hard to let go of.
My life.
My grip.
My hold.
My power.
My plan.
I let those things go the minute I took His hand.
Yet I still try to steer and drive.
It’s how I survive.
I take the wheel.
I make the turns.
I say when to go.
I say when to stop.
I say.
I say.
Conviction today.
Stop.
Stop.
Go.
Go.
Move.
Bend.
Sway.
Break.
Snap.
Stop.
Stop it Chela.
Stop.
Stop I say.
Today is a new day.
Yea, well, I get tired of telling myself that all the time.
Waking up to the same old grind.
This is the life I’ve given you.
Who are you to snicker at that?
To doubt where I’ve put you?
To doubt my true love?
To doubt my goodness?
To doubt my grace?
I know, I’m a failure.
I’m a disgrace.
A wash.
A wash out.
Full of doubt.
Full of fear.
Even when I know You are near.
Even when I know I can.
Even when I hold Your hand.
Even when times are tough.
Even when times are right.
Even when I can’t sleep at night.
Even when I know.
Even when I know Your truth.
Your truth.
Your truth.
Not mine.
It seems as if You’ve been too kind.
Too kind to me.
I don’t deserve the grace you’ve allowed.
I don’t deserve a chance again.
Lost but found.
Lost but found.
I like that sound.
You’re right.
I’m lost.
But I’m finding my way.
Everyday.
Thank You for the forgiveness daily you grant.
Thank You for another chance.
Thank You for Your willingness to dance.
To dip and swerve as I navigate.
To hold me close as I wait.
To pull me back in when I’m ready.
To hold me upright and steady.
To lead me when I’m lost.
To let me spin at my own cost.
To let me fall when I need to.
To pick me up so I can see you.
See you working in my life.
See you working out the details I just can’t.
See you every where I look.
In the smiles.
In the frowns.
In the ups.
In the downs.
In the dance.
In the walk.
In the everyday.
In the ordinary.
In my heart.
That’s a start.
Right?
You promise to hold on tight?
You promise to work it all out for my good?
You promise?
You do.
Thanks.
I’ll take that.
I’ll believe.
I’ll try.
Harder than I have.
Wait.
I won’t try.
I will.
I mean I will lean on You.
I mean I will try harder to practice my faith.
Practice makes perfect.
Perfection.
Never.
But I can be perfect in Your love.
That I can live with forever.
Perfect in Your love as it shapes me.
As it molds me and moves me the way I need to be.
More of you.
Less of me.
Less of dark.
More of light.
Let the sun remind me of Your greatness and glory.
The vastness.
The warmth.
The beauty.
The sun.
Your son.
The penalty.
The price.
The redemption.
The rising again.
Our sin.
Put upon His great shoulders.
The sun.
The reminder.
The battle.
The victory won.
The sun.
The Son.
Jesus.
Friend of sinners.
Sinners like me.
A sinner that doesn’t deserve His great love.
A sinner who once and again needs a shove.
A humbling.
Maybe a sign from above.
By His design.
To remind me of who I am in Him.
Not in this world.
Not of it.
But who I am in Him.
To rise above it.
To stand tall in who’s I am.
Who’s I am.
A daughter of my Heavenly Father,
Who never had to bother.
But He did.
He searched.
He reached.
He found.
He loved like no other.
He loved me.
He loves me.
As I am.
As I will be.
Hold on to that when things are tough.
With Him.
In Him.
You are enough.
You are.
You are.
Even on those days.
When the darkness is more prevalent than light.
When you’ve lost you’re fight.
He loves you on that day.
He loves you tomorrow.
He will love you through your sorrow.
He will love you through the good.
The bad.
He will be the best Dad.
You ever had.
He will not forsake you even when you feel forsaken.
He will provide.
It’s a risk worth taking.
Step off.
Take a leap.
His arms are open wide.
You won’t have to hide.
He loves you on the inside.
Dirty or not.
Cold or hot.
As you are.
Today.
Right now.
In the sun.
In the dark.
In your mess.
In your goodness.
In your sinning.
In your not.
Today I’m giving it a shot.
I have to.
I have to reach.
I have to accept.
Life before death.
Life right now.
Life right in front of me.
See?
It’s that amazing grace that finds you wherever you are.
Pulls you in.
Lifts your heavy heart.
It’s a start.
Amazing grace.
Gives my heart a tug.
Accept it.
Hold it.
Give up the fight.
Hug it tight.
Thank you Lord for the gift from above.
I’ll take it.
I’ll give it.
Give Grace.
Give Grace a Hug❤️
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.