Mmmmm…I stumbled on this saved draft in my notes today. Now, I don’t even remember what I was looking for. But I do remember this. This time. The first time having a panic attack. The journey of the past year and a half of changing how I think in order to change how I feel. Thank you God for being there every step, through the darkness and the muck and depression and anxiety. 

I’m not even sure where to start…the past couple weeks have been trying to say the least.Chewing over personal things, doubting everything, searching for answers, just muddling through…
Pretty sure I had a panic attack last Saturday. Pretty sure I have withdrawn since then. Seems there is always something challenging my spirit, my state of mind, my approach…
I’ve been marinating on a lot of things lately…that is hard in itself. It is hard to dig things up you’ve buried, feelings you’ve hidden, emotions you’ve denied for so long. 

That leads me to replay this in my head over and over: we feel how we feel because we think how we think…that rings so true to me in so many ways. We have a lot of control over how we feel. How we react or don’t react. We have control over our choices, our responses, our attitudes​. But how do you introduce yourself on how to feel about those things that you thought you let go of so long ago? How to feel about situations out of your control but somehow you had to swallow and tell yourself not to feel to get through it? 

As a child, that moment where you close your eyes and pray with all your might for the darkness to recede…that flash where you’re stuck between reality and the moment and your fear and you cling so tightly to anything just to catch your breath…

How after so many years of tucking it away, it comes to surface and all of a sudden you find yourself choking on remorse and guilt and hurt and shame and fear? How? How do you swallow things you had no control over, but controlled you in so many ways for so long? How? How as an adult do you feel so childlike when it comes to addressing your fears? Identifying your fears? Talking to your fears? It’s terrifying. Fear is terrifying. 

In a lot of thought recently, I have found that I am one to put aside my own feelings to satisfy another. I’m one that doesn’t focus on my own needs, but everyone else’s. I believe that’s good. Most of the time. In my thinking I’ve also come to realize that not always is it right to squash your own feelings. It’s not good for yourself or for whom or what you may be feeling about. But then I kick myself…we feel how we feel because we think how we think…shoot. So am I to not feel? Am I to think myself into not feeling? Am I not to think about the things that have hurt me so that I don’t have to feel about them? Am I to force feelings that aren’t there because I think that’s the right thing to do? Am I to mask the numbness that has overcome me because I’m not supposed to feel it? 

Matters of the heart and mind can be so confusing and complex. Matters of the heart that want to feel but just can’t…yet. 

Time is of the essence. Time can heal. But I also believe time spent hiding from your emotions can hurt. That’s my defense mechanism. Hiding. Glazing over. Pretending. Going on as if nothing has happened. Sucking it up whether it’s right or not. Looking back, it seems I probably learned that early on in my life. I also believe the gentleness of my heart is owed to trials suffered from the beginning. I also believe I have a switch I flip to defend myself in times of hurt and pain and grief. Yep. I just shut myself off. Off. Like a light. Dark. It’s horrible. Swimming in darkness. Surrounding myself with numbness till it goes away, or so I think. Then in one instance it all explodes around me. A million pieces of my heart everywhere. Bam. What a mess. How do you clean that up? How do you repair that? How? How I ask? How? Piece by piece? Moment by moment? One thing at a time? How, I scream? Hooooooowwwww????? 

Never do I want to feel like this about anyone or anything. Never do I want relationships to fail or break or be torn apart. Never do I want my stillness, my offness, my quietness to be mistaken for uncaringness…that’s not it. I care. I care too much to say the wrong thing, to say things out of that raw emotion that could hurt or destroy. Also understanding that my silence could have the same result….which is not my intention, but sometimes necessary. In my silence I realize the things I’ve said that hurt…in my silence I realize things I’ve done not so right…in my silence I play over and over again moments I’d like to change, moments that went wrong, moments I don’t want to relive but have to…in my silence, I cry till I can no more…In my silence I realize the noise is too loud…in my silence, I realize the noise is what is getting to me. Silence. Allowing time for restoration. Silence. Shhhhhhhhhhh…Silence…hear that? Nothing. Silence. Silence. 

Amazing, sometimes if we just be quiet long enough to hear…in silence, I come to find the answer most needed. In silence I chew on the feelings of anger and hurt till they don’t taste so bitter. In silence I find things out about myself I didn’t know…In silence, I restore my heart back to new so I can try again. In silence, I withdraw, yet am really just soaking…soaking in silence…soaking it all in to process…in silence, my heart is hurting, but I’m working on mending it…in silence, I pull away, no doubt I hide, no doubt I withdraw, no doubt I disappear inside myself, no doubt I bury myself in what’s good…so I can face what put me here in the first place. The noise. So I can face the noise. The noise. The clutter. The messes of the heart. Some messes of our own fault, and some not so much. Whatever the noise may be….our hearts are amazing vessels…uncovering the many layers of one’s heart…the messes, the triumphs, the joys, the pain, the adoration, the tears, the rejection, the grief, the failure, the accomplishments…sometimes it’s the noise that grabs us…sometimes it’s the silence…

In times like this where I’m teetering on the edge of depression, fighting sanity, searching for clarity, in times where the silence is deafening and the noise is too loud, I collapse. I fall. I surrender. I exhale. I find scripture. I read it. I gasp for air. I breathe. I feel. Or I don’t feel. I heal. I mend. Or at least try. I know, if it were only that easy somedays. Somedays gasping for air is all I can do…

But that’s ok. 

It’s ok to feel like that. Smothered. Surrounded by noise. It’s a part of us. Noise. Silence. Love. Dislike. Emotion. Life. 

In my devotion today, one of the verses to look up was Psalms143:7…Psalm143:4-12New International Version (NIV)

4 So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed. 5 I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done. 6 I spread out my hands to you; I thirst for you like a parched land.[a] 7 Answer me quickly, Lord; my spirit fails.Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. 8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life. 9 Rescue me from my enemies, Lord, for I hide myself in you. 10 Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. 11 For your name’s sake, Lord, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. 12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant.

Don’t we all grow weary and tired, weak, depressed, sad or burdened? Don’t we all take on more than we should at one time or another? Aren’t we all human and of the flesh more often than not? God knows our hearts. Even when we can’t seem to figure it out…

Our spirit can become faint, so easy to concentrate on our works or lack there of…so easy to focus on our shortcomings, our wrongs…instead we must focus on the things He’s done for us. We must look up, lift our hands and don’t hide…lift your face and heart to Him…ask Him for guidance. Find the glory in your journey. Ask Him to help you do so…He will guide you where you need to be…He will give us life when we are undeserving. Trust in Him your path, He knows how to smooth it out way better than we do…

Find the light in your darkness…His hand awaits…His arms stretched wide…His grace a gift He gives to those who seek Him…
Give grace…

Give grace a hug❤️

“In the silence of the heart God speaks. If you face God in prayer and silence, God will speak to you. Then you will know that you are nothing. It is only when you realize your nothingness, your emptiness, that God can fill you with Himself. Souls of prayer are souls of great silence.” – Mother Teresa