I have not attended church in four weeks. Four. But I made it today…Finally. 

Still though, last Sunday, when I was home sick, I watched a live stream for my sermon. Not something I usually do, but it was right on time and straight to my heart. A direct hit. Absolutely meant for me to hear.

He snatched my full attention when he started with this word.

Passion.

Immediately, I found myself looking for mine. Intrigued. Baffled. Searching. Wondering.

Intrigued yet baffled. I was drawn in by the relevancy, which left me in awe of the fact that I tuned into this sermon on the exact moment I needed to hear this specific message. Baffled, as every word was more than relevant to what has been going on in my life, I’m afraid, for longer than I wanted to think about.

Immediately, I found myself searching for my passion. Where the heck did it go? Where was my passion??? For my family, my children, my husband, MY LIFE????? Wondering, when? Wondering, how? Wondering, why? Wondering, how do I get it back???

Many things he said have stuck with me all week. Talking about fanning the flame, lighting the fire, perseverance, the difference between knowing and feeling, practicing, and pushing through.

These are all relevant. Great points.

I didn’t even realize I had lost my passion. Till I started to look for it. My passion for life. My passion for my well being. My passion for anything, really. Going into details would take days. Literally. But the past month or so I’ve been having some health issues which have left me worn, exhausted, and just plain down and out. On the doctor visit trail, things have improved, but still there are things left to find out. While anxious to clear it all up, I’ve found myself more anxious about how I’ve detached from my family, my friends, how I have only been able to be half the mom my children have needed, more days than not. How I’m running my household from texts to my husband to grab this, bring this home, stop here, run there, because I never feel good enough to go anywhere. And if I do, it’s almost miraculous and it usually doesn’t last long. It’s a good day if I can actually run to the store myself, take care of all the kids, fix supper and stay up past 9 o’clock. I didn’t realize how much I have been beating myself up for this portion of my life lately, till last Sunday, as I’m listening to the online sermon, laying on the couch, coughing and feeling like poo, he delivered this message:

The same things you have prayed for are now your complaints.

What???

I’m searching through my life. Right now. Is that true? Chela? Chela? Are the exact things that I’ve asked for and also received, are they the same things I complain about?

Whoa.

He said, you haven’t lost your passion. YOU LEFT IT.

Preach.

Once we get the position, we lose the passion.

Bam.

Guess what? If you let your flame go out, it will.

Ouch.

Passion is greater than your preference.

Ok. I can’t take anymore.

But I know I needed to hear all of what he was saying. ALL.

In the midst of all this, our family also has received a temporary yet permanent visitor. Our granddaughter. She’ll be three in January. She was placed in our care three weeks ago. While I know it is difficult for everyone, I also know in my heart I can’t turn her away. She is a casualty in the situation and just needs our love. But I’d be a liar if I said it was all hugs and kisses and fun. Or that my own children love having her here. It is tough, daily. My four year old and her are either best friends or about to kill each other. My six year old adores her in small doses. My fifteen year old son, knows her being here is what is right, but still you can feel the resentment some days. Yet, on the other hand he is my biggest helper with rounding them all up, getting them in the car and putting out fires between the youngest ones. He also occasionally, may fuel the fire as well. That all being said, it could be worse, I am sure of that, but sometimes, it surely doesn’t feel that way.

Which brings me to other things he said. When you don’t feel it, you flee. Passion is perseverance. Passion will enable you. Passion is when you remain, when everything else tells you to run. You stay because you have passion.

Ding, Ding, Ding….Lightbulb.

I find myself lately, just aimlessly wandering through the days. Checking boxes here and fuddling through to get to there, and to say the least, I’m only just making it day to day. Attempting to avoid stressful situations, tasks and trips in order to just get through the day without a headache or backache or nausea or whatever it may be, makes for long days. By the end of the day I’ve become bitter and angry and sad and impatient because I’m so hard on myself for not being physically able, let alone trying to stay checked in mentally and emotionally.

Passion is perseverance.

Hearing that gave me hope. Hope. I needed to hear that in the worst way.

If I have anything, I have perseverance.

Does that mean I still have passion as well???

This leads me to think about my passion. My passion. What is my passion? Family? My children? Friends? My job? My husband? Housework? Food? Cooking? Cleaning?

Wait.

What about my passion for God? That hunger I first experienced as I accepted Jesus into my heart? That thirst, the drive and for goodness sakes, the passion??? For God. If seeking God is my true passion, then all the rest will fall into place, right? If I search for Him, in everything, then He will guide me to know my passion, to find my passion, to live out my passion, right? He will navigate me through the rough waters of parenting and relationships and marriage, right? With a passion, right?

When you don’t feel it, you flee.

Man. The truth in that for me. Bullet straight to the heart. If I ain’t feeling it, I run. I turn about face and book it. Learning to live not of what I feel, but of what I know. That has been a challenge. Still a challenge, I should say. I don’t feel like cooking, I don’t feel like cleaning, I don’t feel like doing that puzzle with you, I’m sorry Olivia. I don’t feel like going out today guys, I’m sorry Alex and Alijah. I don’t feel like kissing you goodbye this morning, I’m sorry Nick.

I am caught. Red handed, fleeing at every chance I get. I have learned this whole knowing versus feeling concept, I’ve even applied it to my life, but not so much here recently. I haven’t felt the best physically, but I have definitely let myself mentally, feel like I’m never going to get through all this stuff that has been going on. Telling myself I don’t know how much more I can take. Telling myself I’m not enough. Telling myself I suck at being a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister. Telling myself the worst and absolutely expecting it just as well.

Thank God, for the saving grace,  that rescues us right when we didn’t even know we needed saving.

I was literally starting to become comfortable in my little shack of disappointments and negativisms and can’ts and  won’ts and don’ts. I think I even had all the decorations hung to have that pity party I chanted about over and over again as a kid…

How did I even get here?

Could it be passion? Or lack there of.

What have I misplaced?

Could it be passion?

What is it I’m looking for?

Could it be passion?

Do I desire God enough to do what is right and true even when I am being put through the test of finding my patience and perseverance and peace?

Or will I flee?

Do I desire God’s will enough for my own life, that I find my passion in what position He has placed me in?

Or will I flee?

When I’m standing in the middle of two little girls screaming over who’s first or right or left or who has the most doll babies or the best silly face or the biggest cup of milk…

When I’m standing in front of an empty fridge with nothing to prepare for supper, no cans in the pantry, no lunch stuff, no drinks, no snacky stuff as my teenager would say…

When I’m standing in the middle of the living room reading the text from my husband that he has to stay over, which makes at least a twelve hour day, which frustrates me more, even though he’s providing and I’m left here for three more hours to play referee and bouncer and taxi driver and chef and maid…

The same things that I have prayed for. Are the same things I am complaining about.

I worked nineteen years retail at Kroger. I raised my first two children basically alone, working full time. Every damn day I would think, I just want to stay home with my kids. I just want to stay home with my kids. I have done the third shift to skimp on child care. I went into credit card debt to pay bills and buy food for my kids. I have cut every corner. I worked over, or I called off if I had to. I worked every weekend. I worked most holidays. Went in when I was called in. I did whatever I had to do to make it. For my kids.

In 2014, that prayer was answered. I have been at home for two and half years, and I know there are moms or dads out there who would love to switch places with me just so they could be at home with their children.

And here I am.

Here I am.

Complaining about something I have asked for for as long as I can remember.

I’ve always wanted to be a mom, a wife, and to care for my family…

Prayers answered, yet passion lost and purpose unfulfilled.

Where is my passion???

Where did I leave the desire, the longing, the wanting?

When did I just give up on myself?

When did I lose my passion for seeking and pursuing my first true love? I don’t think I can pinpoint an exact moment or time. I have slowly been loosening my grasp. Letting my passion gradually walk out the door, while it drags my purpose right along with it.

My purpose. 

He said, “Don’t follow your passion, follow your purpose.” 

Follow my purpose?

Follow my purpose.

With passion.

My purpose.

Ahhhhhhhhhh. My purpose. 

The verse he referenced is a game changer for me.

Revelation 2:3-5Amplified Bible, Classic Edition (AMPC) 

3 I know you are enduring patiently and are bearing up for My name’s sake, and you have not fainted or become exhausted or grown weary. 4 But I have this [one charge to make] against you: that you have left (abandoned) the love that you had at first [you have deserted Me, your first love]. 5 Remember then from what heights you have fallen. Repent (change the inner man to meet God’s will) and do the works you did previously [when first you knew the Lord], or else I will visit you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you change your mind and repent.

Oh my goodness.

Dear Heavenly Father….

I know the things I have endured, am enduring, will endure, are to give glory to you, to the relationship one can have with you. To do the things that are tough and foreign and new and exhausting are to bring glory to your name. To bring notice to the strength found when I put you first, Lord. When I seek you in all I do. When I return to my first love….

Forgive me. I am guilty of deserting the love I once found so exhilarating and new and fresh. 

Forgive me for walking away from the truest love I’ve ever known. For not drawing from the infinite love and wisdom found in your truth and your word and your love. For doubting I can. For doubting that you can. 

Lord, guide me to return to the ways I once found a necessity not an obligation. The works. Let me pray more and complain less. Let me find the enjoyment in covering my family in prayer and love and wisdom. Let me not forget these very blessings that I have asked for are the same ones that are never guaranteed to remain. 

Lord, hold my hand as I step out on this new wave of faith, trusting you to show me my purpose is right where I am, right now. To trust you will lead me to right where I need to be. Let me hear you Lord. Forgive me for pretending I don’t. Forgive me for my selfishness, for my lack of self discipline, and for not trusting in the knowledge that you gave me this purpose for a reason. This family, this role, this life, this season. 

Let my passion be restored, Lord, in your name and your name alone. My passion for your truth, for your glory…

To seek you in all I do. First.

To not let my passion go when my purpose is pulling me down. To hold on to you and push through. Push through with passion for the purpose of what is right and what is true. For the purpose that a passion for you will enable me to keep going. That planting my feet firmly in your word, with passion, I can withstand the storms of life and praise the calm. By remembering where I used to be, and where I fell from…

Reminding myself that if I repent and ask for your forgiveness and your hand in changing my heart, that I can let go of my will to meet your’s. 

To fulfill my purpose with passion.

To remember that sometimes passion is being still, holding on, remaining and enduring, as I live out the purpose you have placed on my life.

Let me share you in every way I know how.

Let me be bold enough to do so.

Let me live out my purpose, passionately, putting you first, so I can last.

Let me embrace my faith.

Let me give grace.

Give Grace A Hug❤️