Rest Easy Sweet Momma…

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Timeless. Even if it was written about a year and a half ago…

Exhale…kids to bed, dishes washed, laundry going…wow…a never ending cycle, right??? As I finally sit to rest my weary bones, my mind drifts, my eyes close, I completely melt into the silence…melt into the comfy chair, melt into the warmth of what’s right here in front of me….

My mind travels to earlier when we were outside enjoying the sun. I was just sitting on the back deck, watching my two and four year old play. Their innocence bouncing around…From the pile of leaves, to the swing, to the slide, to their bikes, to the trampoline. Completely content, completely happy. Not a care, not a worry…

Wow. Wrapping my brain around this, I’m intrigued, I’m captivated by their pure hearts. They are entirely happy with what they have right now, right in front of them. 

Somedays, in all honesty, I feel like I’m never enough, never finished. Like I’m never going to have a spotless house or all the laundry folded or all kids bathed before bed, or dinners planned for the week or bills paid on time. What do I think I am? That lady with the cape and an S on her chest? I have lost it.

From time to time, I feel like super woman. Bring it on. Try me. Don’t you know I can wipe boogers and count to ten and tie a shoe all in the same instant? I sell myself short most of the time. So easy to get caught up in what I’m not doing, instead of what I actually pull off on a daily basis. From taxi to baseball to time outs to lunch to homework consultant to banker, chef, janitor, doctor, counselor, secretary, cheerleader….No wonder I don’t put on makeup most days…No wonder my sweats are worn and my shirts stained.

Then I think about my children. Are they happy? Are they fed? Do they thrive in their environment? Am I a part of their lives? Are they kind? Responsible? Patient? Use their please and thank yous? Say their prayers? Know they are loved? Are they loving? I could go on. Forever. You get my point.

Our work, our heartaches, our days when patience is hard to find, our days when our self esteem is at an all time low, our days when we function on coffee and a prayer, our days when we wonder if it will all pay off someday…

Someday? How ’bout now? Our reward is now. This day, this moment. It is paying off daily. Our sacrifices, our bad hair days, our mismatched socks, our tears as they walk themselves up to the door, our broken hearts when they don’t achieve a goal, our sleepless nights when they’re away. Daily, we put aside our own needs, wants, wishes, desires for what??? What?

Those beautiful, innocent, pure-hearted children that deserve every ounce of ourselves we can give them. I only want to love as they do. Relentlessly. Fearlessly. Openly. I only want to be as patient with myself as they are with me, as they easily look past my messy hair for a hug. As they don’t care what I look like. As long as I bandaid the boo boos, kiss the hurt away, scare the monsters out of the closet and do it all out of love…

So if you’re going to bed exhausted, waking up the same, sleeping with that two year old sideways in your bed, calming temper tantrums without throwing one yourself, squishing squabbles, wiping drool, making countless trips, preparing meals no one likes, setting curfews, making rules, praying you’re doing something right….

You are. Hang in there. Exhale. Inhale. Breathe. You are enough. This too shall pass…I’m afraid, too quickly…Stop. Enjoy the moment, sip the Kool-aid with them, have a pillow fight, have ice cream before dinner…You are creating memories. You are filling them with the love they need to be gracious, caring adults…

While it definitely puts us on our butts time and time again, it will be so worth the time and effort we invest. They definitely don’t stay kids forever. We sure as heck ain’t getting any younger. But we are constantly striving to do better, and there is nothing wrong with that. But maybe for a minute, a day, be happy with the job you’re doing right now. Give yourself some credit. Relax for a second. It’ll be ok if the dishes sit dirty an extra night or the floors go unmopped. Maybe you can sleep longer or read a book or snuggle on the couch. Go to bed with confidence that your children are loved, prayed for and taken care of…

That I’d say is plenty enough…

Rest easy sweet Momma.

Give grace.

Give Grace A Hug❤️

1 Corinthians 13:13Common English Bible (CEB)

  •  Now faith, hope, and love remain—these three things—and the greatest of these is love.

CoffeeFocusSquirrel


Multi-Tasker, master of none…
There are mornings when I am on point. Dishes done, load of laundry in, devotionals read, prayer time, toys picked up, self showered and ready to go.

Then there are mornings like today. 

Up early, I will say dishes are done, but I must have rinsed my focus down the drain with the soap suds…

I think I have warmed up the same cup of coffee three times.

Sat down to read my devotionals, ended up checking my bank account balance.

Got up, fixed Olivia her toaster waffles.

Sat back down. 

Try this again. 

Oh wait, I left my coffee in the microwave. 

Back up. 

Back down. 

Devotionals. 

Wait let me scroll through my email first. Ok. Check. 

How ‘bout Facebook? :

Let’s see if everyone else is on track this morning. 

Focus. I am.

Squirrel!!!!

Coffee!!!

Wow. 

This is how my mind goes a lot of the time.

All over the place. I have to tell myself to slow down and finish the task at hand. 

Start the dishes. Sink full. Water in.

Wait. Laundry. Start folding the laundry, 

Oh, wait, coffee….

Where’d I put my coffee?

Look for coffee.

Might as well check the other rooms for cups while I’m at it.

Oh wait, let me fluff these couch pillows, and fold this blanket.

I see crumbs.

Let me get the vacuum out and sweep while I’m at it.

I go to the kitchen to get the sweeper.

Crap…

I forgot I started dishes.

Coffee…

Shoot, where’d I set my coffee??

Wait. You started your devotionals an hour ago….

Coffee. Need coffee to read devotionals…

Sit down.

Sit down, I hear.

Sit down.

Stop.

Breathe.

Stop.

Coffee. 

No. 

Sit down.

Ok. I get it.

Sit down.

How may times a day do I deny that voice?

Too many. 

Coffee is more important.

Dishes a must.

Laundry. 

Meh…

Guilty of finding my worth in the chores not completed. 

In the unfolded laundry. 

In the dirty dishes.

If I don’t get this stuff done, then I’m not good enough.

Then I’m not worthy.

Coffee…

Need coffee to process.

I promise, I’ll listen after I finish my coffee.

You know, like you tell the kids 3,942 times a day, just a minute, hold on, I’ll be right there, wait one second…

Oh….

Man…

Is that what I tell God 3,942 times a day as well?

Wait. 

Let me finish this cup of coffee, I promise I’ll listen.

Wait. 

Let me fold clothes before I hear You.

Wait.

Let me cook, clean, bathe, mop, wash, fold, dust, straighten and put away first.

Squirrel…

Coffee…

Wait…

He is so patient with me.

Waiting…

Watching…

Guiding me…

Step by step as, I fuddle through figuring it out.

As I trip over toys and sweep away the dirt.

As I flip through the calendar, checking to see what’s next.

As I precisely fold the towels.

As I sip my coffee.

As I type.

Put Me first. 

The rest will follow.

Trust Me.

I’ll wait on you.

I’ll be here when you’re ready to find Me.

Because I’m everywhere.

Waiting.

Waiting on you to see.

Mom…

Mom…

We want a drink.

Mom… 

I’m hungry.

Mom. 

Mom.

Coffee.

Squirrel. 

God.

Duty calls.

Blessings await.

Lessons to be learned.

The day to be had.

Thank you Father God for that still small voice in the messy moments of life…

I hear You…

Give grace..

Give grace a hug…

Still Missing You Mom

…grief doesn’t end, but it does change…and it definitely shows up unannounced and smacks you in the face harder than you ever think it could some days. On those days, I know I lean harder into Him, and try to cherish the memories. Thank God for His arms wide open and His amazing, unfailing love…

April 16, 2015 ·
I can’t put a finger on the mood I’ve been in the past few days…was chalking it up to hormones, stress, life…then the cool breeze of the morning brushed my cheek. It reminded me of her. Swept in, blew by, woke me for a quick second. It was then I realized that I missed her. I miss my mom. That may seem obvious to some, of course you miss your mother, how can you not miss your mother???…

Me? Well, I’m very good at hiding how it hurts to miss her, hiding how I feel guilty I had no words as she slipped away, hiding how up to her very last breath, I held her hand, and somehow I kept it together. Look at me now…a mess..unavailable…detached…sometimes I know there are other reasons to pin my rash mood swings on…lately I’m feeling my outbursts of tears, my silent cries are from the longing of the friendship I miss with all my heart…when you realize how alone you’ve made yourself, but only to cope, only to grieve, only to deal…but what do you do when you’re standing there in this darkness, this isolation, looking around, and seeing what you’ve created? I, myself am too good at shutting off. Protection. Defense. Denial. Denial? Damn it, I hate it when I’m right. When I sit here and have these self talks. When honesty of self comes to sit square in front of me and look me in the eye. I’m not unfeeling, the exact opposite…I’m over feeling, just ask my teenage son…he’ll tell you, I cry too much…I’m an emotional fool. I love to love and I hate when I can’t. I despise not being able to attach, to hug, to feel…complete opposite ends of the spectrum, yep, that’s me for sure. As I sit here, I’m thinking wow, I’m borderline nuts. Crazy.

Then, I hear that voice, no you’re not, you’re human. Our hearts are capable of such great feeling, yet at the same time, our hearts are very susceptible to becoming deadened, quickly, fast, especially when the mind or the world has a say…grief is sometimes unexplainable. I’ve never been on such a ride of emotions. Not sure how to compare losing a parent to other losses I’ve experienced. All weighted, all different, unique relationships that were lost, and still missed…each one putting their individual mark on my heart. Each one touched my life in their own way. Remembering my Grandpa and his lap, his smell of White Owls and Hall’s cough drops, was the best place to snuggle and bury my head in his chest…my Grandma, gosh, I miss her, her feeding me non stop, her little impromptu gifts, the times she held me up even when she didn’t have a clue what was going on but knew I needed her…the father of my first two children. My first attempt at love, I fell hard, face first, he gave me two reasons to push on…

So putting a finger on losing my mom. Almost impossible. What didn’t she do for me? When didn’t she listen even when she wasn’t interested? When did she ever hurt me as I may have hurt her? Our struggles many, disagreements plenty…but never once did I doubt she loved me. Even when some of the things she did seemed weird or wrong or too nice or too mean or just plain foolish.

This past year I’ve realized, everything, I mean everything she did, she did out of love. Love. Whether it was the “right” thing to do or not, it stemmed from the love she had as a mother. It’s unmeasurable. How do I go from that to trying to understand she’s not here with me anymore? Then the breeze brushed my cheek again….ahhhh, there she is. She is here with me. Everyday. She can’t rescue me from a financial hardship or pat my back, or hold my hand, or tuck me in or yell at me or mail a birthday card…but I think what she left me with was much more. She left me with a desire to understand the love she had. She opened my eyes to what a heart can feel and do with the power of love behind it. Not just her love, but love from above. She opened my eyes and heart to grace. God’s love.

Wow, she left us in a whirl. Right in the eye of the storm. Right when we needed her most…but if anything has carried me through this past year, it’s because I decided to give grace a hug…when I’m at the very last ounce of strength, that last drop of will, that last push, that last pull, that last “I can’t do this anymore”, He will meet me right there at the end of myself…with open arms, unending love, forgiveness, mercy and grace…Kinda how my mom met me most of the time, I’d like to think, and with a heart full of love….how can you not miss that? Oh, I miss her beyond words and it has become very obvious lately…

But with His love, the Son He sent to save my broken self, and the Holy Spirit alive within, it may not be easy ever, but I will get through it. He will see me through it. I will rest knowing that though physically my mom is no longer here on earth, her love is always with me, from the memories to the breeze on my face, she will never be forgotten…as God never forgets us. Never stops loving us. Patiently waits for us. Wraps us in His arms and never lets us go, even when we think we know better…just as I remember my mother’s love….deep, wide and all encompassing…His love never fails…never gives up…never runs out…how awesome is that? Even in a time of darkness, sorrow, depression, despair…His love is guiding us, His love is right there waiting on us…waiting on our last, feeble, weak attempt at grasping onto dear life…

New life…by taking His hand…having faith…giving grace…giving grace a hug…

2 Corinthians 12:9-10English Standard Version (ESV)
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Ever Just Wish

    Ever just wish?

    Ever just wish your Mom was here? 

    Ever just wish you could have her near?

    Ever just wish she never left? 

    Ever just wish? 

    Yea…I guess…

    Ever just wish your pain would end?

    Ever just wish your heart would mend?

    Ever just wish your mind would stop? 

    Ever just wish?

    Yea…I guess…

    Ever just wish earthly pain to cease?

    Ever just wish the sadness to ease?

    Ever just wish the darkness to leave? 

    Ever just wish for one more day?

    Ever just wish you were able to say?

    Ever just wish you could take her place? 

    Ever just wish to see her face?

    Ever just wish for that friend you once had?

    Ever just wish to stop seeing the bad?

    Ever just wish for dark to fall? 

    Ever just wish to go to bed and forget it all?

    Ever just wish for a plan to make sense?

    Ever just wish to not be on the fence?

    Ever just wish?

    Yea…I guess…

    Ever just wish to be on one side or the other?

    Ever just wish you’d be a good mother?

    Ever just wish your words were heard?

    Ever just wish life didn’t seem absurd?

    Ever just wish for one more chance?

    Ever just wish for that one last dance? 

    Ever just wish for love from your father?

    Ever just wish you didn’t even bother?

    Ever just wish things were calm and collected?

    Ever just wish you weren’t neglected?

    Ever just wish for passion and desire? 

    Ever just wish for enough spark to start a fire?

    Ever just wish right wasn’t so wrong?

    Ever just wish you knew all the words to the song?

    Ever just wish you felt the freedom in surrender?

    Ever just wish you could go on a bender?

    Ever just wish? 

    Yea…I guess…

    Ever just wish on that star so bright?

    Ever just wish you didn’t have to fight?

    Ever just wish time would stop? 

    Ever just wish you could get to the top? 

    Ever just wish for company at the bottom?

    Ever just wish one time you could say, “I got ’em”!!!

    Ever just wish there was a cure for the grief?

    Ever just wish for an ounce of relief? 

    Ever just wish for your smile to stay? 

    Ever just wish for your enemy to pay? 

    Ever just wish why some don’t get it? 

    Ever just wish? 

    Yea….I guess….

    Ever just wish the truth to be told? 

    Ever just wish you could be more bold?

    Ever just wish for some sort of revival? 

    Ever just wish you actually had time to read your Bible?

    Ever just wish His grace was enough?

    Ever just wish you could sort out this stuff?

    Ever just wish guilt would be gone? 

    Ever just wish you weren’t a pawn? 

    Ever just wish for God’s mercy to heal?

    Ever just wish for Him to seal the deal? 

    Ever just wish for a new pattern to form? 

    Ever just wish for the calm before the storm? 

    Ever just wish? 

    Yea….I guess….

    Yea….I guess I wish a lot…

    Yea….I guess.

    Yea….I guess on this thing called life.

    Yea….I guess there is going to be strife. 

    Yea….I guess I can cry all day long.

    Yea….I guess I could sing a new song. 

    Yea….I guess I can leave it at the foot of the cross. 

    Yea….I guess it’s not always my loss.

    Yea….I guess I can repent.

    Yea….I guess these thoughts are heaven sent.

    Yea….I guess He will meet me where I am.

    Yea….I guess He will hold my hand.

    Yea….I guess He will renew my soul.

    Yea….I guess the Devil’s work has been taking it’s toll.

    Yea….I guess….

    Ever just wish good would always win?

    Ever just wish we weren’t full of sin? 

    Ever just wish there was a clear path to redemption? 

    Ever just wish you wouldn’t guess? 

    Ever just wish you knew all along? 

    Ever just wish you could be as strong? 

    Ever just wish? 

    Yea….I guess….

    Guess what? 

    We’re nothing without Him.

    He will guide us through it all. 

    He will stand us up way beyond tall.

    He will pull us out of sin and shame. 

    He will redeem us through His only son’s name. 

    Jesus is the way, the truth, the life.

    Jesus is more than a name shouted in vain. 

    Jesus is a vessel of hope.

    Jesus is at the end of your rope. 

    So don’t let go. 

    Hold on. 

    Fight. 

    Fight through the night. 

    Fight with God’s armor on tight.

    Fight with passion. 

    Fight with love. 

    Fight, damn it, fight. 

    Don’t give up.

    Fight, remembering the one above. 

    Fight for what’s right.

    Don’t forget your worth.

    Fight for heaven here on this earth. 

    Fight for those who can’t speak out. 

    Fight. 

    Fight. 

    Fight beyond your doubt.

    Fight beyond your fear.

    Fight like you know He is near. 

    Because He is.

    He reaches out when your options are none,

    He reaches out with the blood of His Son.

    Ever just wish you could be saved?

    You can. 

    You are. 

    In Jesus’s name. 

    The healing is now.

    The time is right. 

    His plan is not always what we’d like.

    But His timing is at His best.

    Give to Him.

    Give Him your mess.

    Let it go.

    Release it now.

    Begin to rest. 

    Yea….I guess.

    Yea….I guess?

    Ever just wish these words would come true? 

    Ever just wish He’d fight for you? 

    Ever just wish someone would care?

    Ever just wish you could be stripped down to bare? 

    Ever just wish to peel back, layer after layer?

    Ever just wish to be rid of it all?

    Ever just wish….

    Ever just call….

    Scream His name, 

    Whisper or shout,

    Speak to it, call it out.

    Fight with the truth. 

    Fight with the blood.

    Fight knowing the battle is already won.

    Fight because He sees it in you,

    Fight because the blood can restore. 

    Fight because He won the war. 

    Fight because He gave His life. 

    Fight because He died for us. 

    Fight because His grace is enough. 

    Fight because this could be a new beginning.

    Fight because your head is spinning. 

    Fight because this stuff will heal. 

    Fight because, well, you know the deal…

    Leave it at the foot of the cross. 

    He’ll pick it up and dust you off.

    The blood of red will wash you clean, 

    Your stains are gone. 

    Your sin forgiven.

    Tell me all about this heaven. 

    Bring it to me here on earth. 

    Renew my strength, 

    Restore my worth. 

    Say it to me over and over again.

    You’ve been redeemed! 

    You’ve been forgiven! 

    You can get back up!

    You can rise above!

    Yea….I guess….

    I guess there is no need to wish.

    His grace is waiting.

    Redemption in Him is near.

    By grace you have been saved.

    That is clear.

    Don’t just wish.

    Pray.

    Breathe it in.

    Let it permeate your soul.

    Let it seep through the cracks.

    Let it help you to never look back.

    Let it radiate, 

    Cutting darkness to pieces.

    Let it run through your veins,

    Let it wash away the stains, 

    Let it lift you to heaven on earth,

    Let it fill you so full doubt has no room.

    Let it fill you so full fear has no name. 

    Let it fill you so full letting go is no game.

    Let it go….

    You won’t be the same.

    His arms stretched wide.

    His arms wide open.

    His embrace enough,

    To heal the broken.

    His grace is sufficient.

    His love never changing.

    Your heart needs rearranging.

    Let it go.

    Let Him in.

    Start anew.

    Remember that cross.

    Recall His love.

    Fill your voids with Him.

    Pieces will start to fit.

    Your heart will beat again.

    Love will return.

    Grace will do the work.

    Believe it’s for you.

    Believe in your worth. 

    Believe in yourself as He believes in you.

    Use Him to get you through.

    He longs for your heart to be healed. 

    He waits for you to signal.

    He’s waiting for you to embrace your faith. 

    He’s waiting for you to be filled with His love.

    He’s waiting.

    Just waiting.

    For you to give.

    To give grace. 

    To give grace a hug❤️

    Friendship

    This speaks as loud to me today as it did about a year ago when I wrote it…maybe even louder. Jesus, the one friend you can always count on. Belong to. Be loved by. Thank God for that. I don’t deserve that…

    I belonged before I believed. I believed I belonged. I felt I belonged. He made me feel I belonged. A year ago I wouldn’t have understood this. But it makes such perfect sense now. A year ago Jesus was a complete stranger to me. Now. Now. Wow. He has become my friend. Jesus, friend of sinners. I never got that. Not that I didn’t believe, I just didn’t understand it was possible. This love, His love, the church’s love, helped me to see it was possible. Helped me to belong, feel belonged, so I could return, return every Sunday and in the process, to accept Jesus in my life. Wow. This speaks volumes to me. It just clicked today. Today. Everyday. Everyday. We have a chance to share His love. Everyday He walks beside us. Everyday He’s there to catch me when I slip, to remind me to be gentle, to whisper in my ear when I’m about to step out of control. I can’t say I always listen, I definitely push Him away more than I should. But what a friend that is. A friend that is still with me even when I’m not available to Him. Isn’t that the kind of friend we desire to be or the kind of person we desire to share a friendship with? Hmmmm. Somedays I’m better at it than other days. The whole friendship thing. To anyone. My family. My short list of friends. I fall so completely short. Somedays the only thing that picks me up, is stopping and accepting Jesus as my friend again and again. Over and over. Morning and night. Today and tomorrow. He’s still there. He doesn’t walk away when I’m snotty or turn His back on me because I’m just being my moody self. Instead He’s over there, whispering, chela, chela….chela, look around you, look…what are you doing? Look right in front of you. That grin, those flowers, your home, your family…Me. What more could you need or want? And then I crawl into my humble shell and realize how right He is. How right He is. How right I am with Him. How being right with Him is transforming me from the inside out. Right in the terms of right. So many definitions of the word right. I would choose to use the definition of being righted. Stood up. To be restored to a normal condition. He has picked me up and righted me countless times. He has renewed my heart, my soul. With the love of Jesus Christ, amazing grace, and the Holy Spirit living inside, a freshness from the inside out has started to creep into my life. An understanding, a peace, a movement from dark to light, a transformation. I’m amazed at the strength I’m able to pull from this. It’s not that there aren’t struggles, battles, quarrels, adversities, challenges, hardships. It’s not that at all. It’s not that it takes it all away, by far that’s definitely not it. But by accepting His friendship, His love, His price for sin, accepting Him as our savior, we can be washed clean, we can forever be loved, we can start anew…that’s what I meant by no greater friendship…that’s what I meant by a love that is strong enough to right me over and over, to show me how to love harder, forgive more, believe, push through…who doesn’t need a friend like that? Who doesn’t want to be a friend like that? A friend available at all times, a friend in Jesus Christ. A friend who died, a friend, so a sinner like me can accept His love and become new…wow. How overwhelming is that? It boggles my mind still, the concept seems irrational, but my heart tells me it’s real. The peace in my heart covers any doubt, the love moves me to press on, to walk hand in hand with Him, to pursue a life long friendship that is transforming my heart every day that I walk with Him. With Him, I belong. I belong with Him. This earth, those worldly possessions has got nothing on the love of Jesus. And it’s free. And it’s available to anyone, good friend or not, right or wrong, His love is right there, on every side of you, ready when you are, patiently waiting for your acceptance…Give Grace A Hug❤️
    Romans 5:1-21 

    Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us….

    Surrender 


    This is actually an entry I wrote two Novembers ago. Yesterday was one of those days when throwing my hands up and surrendering was all I could do…Timely. I found the verse mentioned in the post exactly what I needed to hear…Job 11 13-15… 

    So today I’m starting by surrendering it all to Him. But this time, it will be before my day begins💜 I shall not fear.

    Do you ever feel like surrendering? And I mean that in the negative way…surrendering. Giving up. Throwing it all to the wind while screaming at the very wind that takes it away…or maybe crawling into a dark corner while tears flood your eyes and your heart pounds while your mind scurries about searching for every last ounce of courage, compassion, strength and forgiveness? When you are drained closer to the last drop than you have ever been before? When life has a bigger stronghold on you than the faith you claim to possess? Certainly, when at the bottom we can only look up, right? Sure. When I find myself struggling as I am right now with this, it’s the only thing I can do, is to look up, and then down searching for my soul again in a Book full of verses, chapters, and stories…somehow I am always able to pull myself out of that “funk” if you will, by searching for a verse to bend my thinking, reroute my approach, to soften my heart full of doubt and anger, to humble myself. To put my fear in check and leave it at the same door I let it in…as I walk through this day today, I’m telling myself over and over, I surrender…but not in defeat. I’m surrendering. I’m handing it over the One above…I found Job 11 verses13-15. “Yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to Him, you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear.” So in action, by prayer, by surrendering my sins to him whether it be thoughts, actions, words against myself or others, whatever sin may be, I can let go of my guilt and shame related to those sins by surrendering them to Him. I can cast away those fears. I can pray, I can choose to have Faith…and in those actions alone, I can stand confident and fearless and unashamed. I can stand confident in His ability to work it all out for my good…thank you Lord for my trials, my mountains, my struggles. Sometimes so hard to be thankful for those moments in life that seem to break us, but if it wasn’t for those moments, I know I wouldn’t be who I am in Christ today…going to go give Grace a hug now….I will squeeze it extra tight for those who know where I’m coming from, squeeze it again for those who don’t, and once again just because.

    Give Grace. 

    Give Grace A Hug❤️

    Team Can’t Sleep

    It’s funny…I get so annoyed when I can’t fall asleep at night. There should logically be no reason I’m still awake. Up at 530 this morning, recovering from some stomach yuck, and life, I should be three sheets to the wind. There has to be a reason. I decide to stop fighting it about an hour later of pulling at covers, tugging on the sheet, fluffing the pillow and flopping from left to right…Geeeeesh….Emergenzzzzzzz, here I come.

    I make my way to the kitchen. Water. I need water. You know, so I can be awake again in a couple of hours. Insert humor. Not funny really. 

    Even more annoyed now….

    Then I glance around. 

    Alex’s dirty socks on the kitchen floor, mind you.

    Olivia’s stuffed dog lazily stretched across the kitchen table.

    Alijah’s pile of clean clothes, just sitting in the toy room, which I asked him to remove, mmmmmm, a few times.

    Nick’s work shoes with his two pair of socks falling out, setting right in front of there they get put away. You know like the laundry pile beside the hamper. Grrrrrrrr…..

    Funny. These things tug at my heart. 

    I see Alex’s socks and can just hear the pitter patter of his feet across the kitchen floor… 

    I can hear Olivia’s voice conversing with the toy dog, in her make believe world…

    I hear Alijah bouncing his basketball in the house…

    I hear the sound of the key turn in the door as Nick comes home after a long day….

    My heart smiles. 

    • This is what makes our house a home. These things that annoy me also remind me of the love and patience and humor and, wait, did I say love, that lives here. By no means is it ever completely picked up, with all the dishes washed or the laundry finished or started by that means. Sometimes we eat ice cream for dinner and eat breakfast at noon. I don’t make my bed everyday. Heck, somedays I can barely get out of bed. Things aren’t always perfect. I’m learning to just love the mess I’m in. To be thankful for the mess. To pray through the mess. Sometimes the mess is a gentle reminder of a family being raised. Sometimes that means sleepless nights and groggy days. Sometimes, I am all about cleaning up the mess. Other times, I just have to let the mess be the mess. Sometimes I have to get up in the middle of the night to see that the mess isn’t always a mess, but a gentle reminder of God’s blessings everywhere. From the dirty socks to the toys under my feet, they are everywhere. He is everywhere. He has given me much more than I deserve. Thank God for that. I guess I needed to have Him pull me out of bed to show me to be thankful, more thankful, of the life that has been given to me, that I surely don’t deserve…

    Grace…

    Every time…

    This time…

    And for the next time…

    Rest easy in that…

    And before you go to bed…

    Give Grace…

    Give Grace A Hug…

    Daughter

    My 3 year old daughter comes around the corner as I’m in the kitchen, says “mom, mom….mom, I love you”…my heart melts…that’s it? That’s all she needed? This time. Smile. She exits and I continue with my favorite chore, washing dishes, said no woman ever…My response to her is always I love you more, and she’ll say, I love you most…

    My heart beats to this drum. She brings me life somedays along with her patience with me, along with her resilience, along with her heart that always allows apologies and please, just a minutes, and maybe laters, or no not yets…

    As my hands are mindlessly scrubbing, my mind is churning, which is nothing new. I’m thinking to myself, I spend a lot of time concentrating on what’s wrong, rather than what’s right. I’m groaning over these dishes instead of rejoicing that I get to be at home, so I can have moments like this. I’m always wondering what’s next, instead of seeing what’s in front of me. I never underestimate moments like these, wow, is He always showing up in some way that opens my eyes or catches my breath or holds me still.

    As I continue to stand there, my heart races, my mind is just thinking about the what-ifs, the could have beens, the maybes, the well that didn’t happens, the things I didn’t accomplish, the hearts I’ve broken, the time lost, the time spent, the time ticking, the time stopping, for just a moment, so I could wake up, so I could actually hear what my daughter said to me. She loves me. Wow, i needed that. Her love is so unconditional. No matter what mood I’m in or what’s going on, she loves me.

    I don’t always want to focus on what’s wrong or what isn’t, but as the human I’ve become, it is one of my battles. I appreciate everything, in my mind, in my heart, but I do struggle with living that out. I struggle with accepting I’m allowed to be happy, I’m allowed to enjoy what my life is or has become, I struggle with being loved. Which I feel like is a lot of why I shut down, shut off, isolate…it’s easier sometimes to just be alone.

    But…

    But she made me see today, how far my heart has come, how much I’ve healed, how much I’ve forgiven, how much more I can love, how cold my heart was and how it’s warming up….

    By the grace of God, I’m learning how to be loved, how to love, how to not so much live by my emotions, but on the truth of God’s word. I guess I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling undeserving or unworthy. It’s been a challenge to accept that God is for me. That He loves me and that I can accept that love. I’m still working on that, for sure…It’s been a cracking open all the wounds, heart wide open, healing experience. It’s tough to look at your demons, and actually hear the truth, and I’m still working on that, but hearing her say I love you reminded me. It reminded me that I need to spend more time living out God’s love, His promises, His truth…I get it, but a lot of the time I’m not accepting of it. I reject it. Could you imagine the heartbreak if I would have rejected my daughter’s I love you this morning? How would she have felt? Hurt, betrayed, sad, alone, heart broken? I wonder if God feels that way when I reject Him or ignore Him or deny His I love you’s? He is God, and certainly doesn’t need my approval, but He certainly keeps pursuing me. He certainly keeps reaching out. He certainly keeps working in my life, regardless of how I feel or act or treat Him. What would it be like if I spent more time thanking and agreeing and working and pursuing and reaching and walking along side Him instead of against Him? Grace. The greatest gift I’ve ever received. Applying it, I’m not always the best, sometimes I’m not too good at giving grace either. I am so perfectly flawed. So longing for hearts to be healed and hurt to be gone and things to be perfect, for all, for anyone who hurts or is scared or is alone or maybe doesn’t know God’s love. I long for others to understand the relationship that can be had with Him. The healing and the friendship. Sometimes I forget that I can have it too. That I need to live it out as well. That I need to focus on these beautiful things in front of me, the people who put up with me, the fortunate things that have happened, the unfortunate, the battles that have shaped me or are shaping me, and that my heart is transforming continually as I walk with God, hand in hand, side by side. Sometimes I let go, sometimes I drift off the path, sometimes I go a different direction, sometimes I hold on so tight I grimace from the grasp, sometimes I run towards Him, sometimes I run away. Sometimes I sit and scream at Him, sometimes I pray so silent I can’t even hear. Sometimes I’m open, sometimes I’m shut. Sometimes I forget all the times He has worked in my life. Sometimes I fight His will, and most definitely deny His desire for my heart to succeed, to be healed, to be happy…

    As much as it healed my heart this morning to hear my daughter say I love you, God’s love can heal our hearts as well. After all, my children are just four of the many gifts and ways He has shown me love. What miracles they are. What blessings they bestow. What their I love you’s do to this momma’s heart are just as intoxicating as the way God’s love permeates my soul, my darkness, my hurt , my pain. He pulls me out, He reminds me daily I can, He extends out His hand, His grasp way bigger than any fear or worry or doubt or sin….

    I’m just in awe that with God’s love, through situations and trials and insecurities and battles of the heart and mind, His love can restore. It can bring you peace. It can repair the cracks. But the one thing I need to remember is, that I have to let it, accept it, let it mold me, heal me, hold me, embrace me, hug me….

    Let grace hug me. Let me hug it back and never let it go. Let me live by that. For that. With that. Grace. Give grace. Give Grace A Hug❤️

    Have I Been Denying God????

    These four words.
    I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.
    These words were whispered in my ear Sunday during our church worship.
    What???
    Since then I have been playing these words in my head over and over and over again.
    No I haven’t.
    Yes I have.
    Nah, not me.Oh yea, you definitely have.
    Why would I deny God?

    Wait….Have I???

    Whoa…

    Since Sunday, after a delivery of a great and timely message, I have been wondering. Have I?
    This, in turn, prompted me to listen to the message from the Sunday before that I had missed.
    I was floored. Were these spoke just for me? Did everyone in attendance see the neon sign flashing CONVICTION,
    CONVICTION, CONVICTION, HERE????? I could seriously feel the heat of the spotlight.

    I’ve been denying God.
    PPPPLLLLLLBBBBBBTTTTTTTTTT….
    These four words…
    I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.
    It was definitely one of those Sundays where the enemy was trying to keep me home. Cramps, bloated, pants too tight, headache, not feeling the best, nothing to wear…Meh…any excuse I could find…

    I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.

    He has been working hard to get my attention this week. The devil right along with Him. It started Sunday afternoon
    in my own backyard. Olivia, my youngest, a whole 3, came close to drowning in our own backyard pool.
    Now…I’ve seen my children go through a lot of things. Heartache, grief, bad choices, good ones, milestones, birthdays,
    death, rejection, good grades, their first bad grade…
    I’ve witnessed the sobbing of sobs, the beasts of boo boos, sprained ankles to sprained egos, broken hearts to broken toys. I’ve seen them gasp for life in so many ways….
    But never like this.
    Sunscreen on.
    Floaties on.
    I’m literally sitting down to read my Bible.
    We are good to go.
    Splashing, playing, laughing….
    It did get kinda quiet.
    But in the moment it wasn’t as obvious then as it is now.
    Alex says, “Mom, Olivia is drowning.”
    What the what???
    My first thoughts are “Don’t joke with me, that’s not funny, no she’s not, yea right.”
    But if you’re a mom, or a parent, you know I didn’t just sit there.
    I may have hopped up as ugly as all get out.
    She was. She was bobbing up and down, doing her best to stay above the water.
    Panic.
    Just reach her.
    Stay calm.
    You got this.
    She”ll be fine.
    Move, Chela, move.
    Funny how you take all the precautions for moments like these in our heads and in our actions, but when the moment comes, just wow….
    I tried to jump the side. Too short.
    I tried to extend my arm just enough. Too short.
    Seconds ticking by.
    My heart pounding, my mind racing…
    All in the matter of seconds.
    Alex, my 6 year old, is just watching.
    Somehow she had lost her floatie.
    10, 20 more seconds and I don’t even want to imagine what could have been.
    THANK GOD.
    I climb the ladder.
    Alex steps up and pushes her her float.
    Whew. THANK GOD.
    I can’t tell you in those few seconds how many things flew through my mind. It was like an eternity. As her life was
    dangling by a thread, mine flashed in front of me as well.
    Pictures, people, places, things, hurts, hearts, joys, jobs, family, friends.
    My daughter. Her life. My daughter. My life.
    In our own backyard.
    Was this a wake up call?
    For me? For my life? Funny way to grab my attention. BUT YOU GOT IT. I’m listening.
    Who are you to tell me???
    I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.
    As I look back, Have I? Have I been denying God?
    Have I?
    As she sits on my lap just sobbing while trying to catch her breath, I can’t help but wonder….

    Ok….So we survived Sunday. Thank you God. Onto Monday.
    Monday…
    Uneventful. Except for the rehashing of Sunday. The what ifs. Thinking about it kept me awake longer than desired Sunday night. So Monday came too quickly. Coffee was for recuperation, much appreciated and right on time.

    I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.
    What a gut check for me. These four words whispered. Everywhere. They just keep popping up.

    Only in the past several months have I come to get a grasp on the power of salvation and the power of the cross and the blood that was shed for us. I can’t say I understand it or can even grasp the concept sometimes, but I know differently, His grace has been liberally applied to my life more times than I can mention.
    Pondering the season I’ve been in for too long…Depression, anxiety, loneliness, gloominess, hopelessness, worthlessness.
    Have I been denying God? If I have accepted Jesus as my Savior, I “know” of the power, I “know” of the unlimited grace available, I “know” that I am a new creation in Christ, I “know” the Holy Spirit is alive in me.

    I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.

    One of Monday’s devotionals spoke loudly to me. I read it over and over throughout the day.
    “There is no God like You. YOU forgive those who are guilty of sin; YOU don’t look at the sins of Your people who are left alive. YOU will not stay angry forever because YOU enjoy being kind. YOU will have mercy on us again, YOU will conquer our sins. YOU will throw away all our sins into the deepest part of the sea.” Micah 7:18-19.
    YOU meaning GOD.
    “There is no God like YOU. (thank God)
    “YOU forgive all who are guilty and don’t look at our sin.” (What??? He forgives me of my sin over and over again AND He doesn’t look at it anymore?? That’s who I strive to be like. I want to be like that.) “You will not stay angry forever because YOU enjoy being kind.” (He doesn’t get mad, He forgives and forgives. He enjoys being kind. I enjoy being kind. Have I forgotten that???) “You will have mercy on us again.” “You will conquer our sins.” It says YOU, as in GOD. The strength was never mine. He will conquer our sin. He. He will not stay angry forever. He pours mercy on us time and time again. Because He can. And He will.

    I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.

    So… Here we are. It’s Tuesday.
    Tuesday…Hmmmmm.
    Start off with coffee and my devotionals.
    This one jumped off the page at me.
    (God) never gives a thorn without this added grace. He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face.
    ~Martha Snell Nicholson~
    Mmmmmmm….
    Do you hear what I hear in that?
    With every trouble, every pain, every transgression, every failure, if we turn to Him, when we turn to Him, He may not remove that thorn, but with that thorn in our side, we will see Him. Find Him. Ask Him for the grace to cover the pain of that thorn in our side, instead of asking Him to remove it.
    It hurts.
    It’s ugly.
    It is sticking us.
    It is bothering us.
    It is weakening us.
    Literally, a pain in our sides.
    It is possible He will supply the grace to withstand the thorn. It is possible He could remove the thorn.
    But, what if? What if we humble ourselves before Him, and maybe not ask to take away the pain, but to ask for more grace to endure the pain?
    I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.
    Ok…sitting here reading, sipping coffee, something tells me to turn on the TV.
    I find myself playing a recording of TD Banks.
    I am not huge on TV evangelists, but I could listen to him daily.
    So…..About God’s timing.
    This particular sermon was about an eagle and her nest….Oh boy, he’s got my attention already.
    Don’t die in your nest. He talks about how the nest is for protection when the eaglets are young. How we perceive based on the way we were raised in the nest. How we become comfortable in our nest, even though it may become too small.
    Yet we stay because it is familiar, it is what we know. How the stirring of the nest can poke us and prod us to leave, yet we stay. Yet we make excuses to stay. It would be easier that way, right? To stay. Rather than to leave or to grow or move or evolve….
    Conviction. I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.
    This hits my nest way too closely.
    It’s me to a tee.
    Comfortable in her nest. Safe. Yet miserable. I don’t want to be stuck here. But this is who I’ve become. This is easier.
    But I long for more. But I have everything I need right here in this nest. Why should I leave? Why fly? Why evolve?
    Man….
    God doesn’t want me to be stuck here. God doesn’t want me to be anxious or depressed and lonely.
    God wants me to turn to Him. He wants to give me wings. He wants me to fly. God wants us all to fly. God wants us to put all the yuck we learned from the nest behind us. God wants us to have faith in Him. To have faith that He will help us fly. To believe we can fly. To trust in Him, to find true freedom with Him, to believe, and to spread our wings and soar. Soar above heights beyond our own imaginations…

    These past couple years have been truly a painful season.
    Examination, self truth, depression, my first panic attack followed by anxiety, grief, realizing my food addiction was my coping mechanism. So I have hidden. Another coping mechanism. I have truly become comfortable in my nest of misery. My prison, this nest has become. I have sheltered myself. Deep down I know there were times when isolation is exactly what I needed. Shelter. Quiet. Less noise. More God. Reflection. Redemption.
    I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.
    That still small voice.
    I have.
    I don’t give Him enough credit.
    I doubt.
    I fear.
    I over analyze.
    I second guess.
    I know all about faith, But do I have faith?
    I know the power, but do I allow it to be applied to my own life?
    Since being saved, I have felt my heart being transformed.
    I can’t count the times I’ve got on my knees, prayed, begged, pleaded…For mercy, for forgiveness, for strength, for courage, for patience, for less pride, for more love, for less of me, more of God, for peace, unity, desire…Does that list ever end?
    I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.
    Wake up Chela. You have all of this. You’ve witnessed Him working in your own life.
    He provided strength and comfort as you laid your Mom to rest.
    He covered you in forgiveness and mercy as you battled your food addiction and won.

    The patience and forgiveness and mercy and love provided when you were up against the rock and the hard place, when having to choose between your own daughter and granddaughter, while your daughter figured things out. Not by my own strength did I make it through that.

    The peace needed as I have watched my brother battle addiction for too many years. The prayers sent for recovery and grace and forgiveness and mercy. The peace provided for myself to understand it’s not all my fault, that I can and sometimes have to love from afar. The forgiveness and grace showered unending as I had to turn away to save myself.

    The forgiveness as I have worked through the hole left in my heart from not great relations with my own earthly father.
    Letting go of the idea that it was me or that I did something to cause him to not want a relationship with me or to stop drinking long enough to care. Separating myself from finding my own worth in his and others behavior. Then and now.

    This stuff still stings. I could go on.

    Maybe slightly ironic that as you take a step to be saved, your heart becomes slightly open to looking at these wounds.
    As you let Him in, you have to be willing to square up and let go.
    It is a painful process.
    These matters of the heart that have built up for years.
    But He really doesn’t want you to stay there.
    His love for us is beyond amazing. It truly is. It can seep in by way of those broken cracks and restore every last one.
    Never ending.
    It has pulled me through some of the darkest times in my life.
    If you can open your heart even just a little…
    To feel His goodness….
    You will not regret it.
    You will be changed.
    You will be loved. You will be forgiven. You will feel peace words can’t describe. You will be able to leave your nest.
    You will be able to fly.

    I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.
    Wow. Enough said. I’m guilty. I have been denying God. Denying the good that He wants me to have. Remembering the good He has already given. I haven’t been trusting of HIs power, HIs strength, HIs love, HIs truth. I’ve been denying that He is able to work in my life. MY LIFE.
    No wonder I’m stuck here.
    This is pivotal for me.
    I’m scared. But I know I can no longer be here and stay miserable and anxious and depressed anymore.
    I want to fly.
    I enjoy being kind.

    I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.

    So….We made it to Wednesday.
    How does this one fit in???
    Devotional #1: 2nd Corinthians 12:9
    My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.
    In my weakness, His grace is enough.
    In my weakness, His strength is made perfect.
    In my weakness, He is enough.
    In my weakness…
    In MY weakness…

    I’VE BEEN DENYING GOD.

    Maybe this one from Jesus Calling Devotional…
    Romans 12:12
    Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
    He is everywhere.
    Reminding me, He is enough and that I’m not alone. I’m never alone.
    Then the phone rings…If you know me at all, I don’t answer the phone nearly as often as I should.
    That would mean I would have to talk to someone….
    But it was a Godsend. Someone I share a history with, a comforting voice who knows exactly where I’m coming from and where I’m at, and where we both want to be….As we share tears and laughter, maybe a little sarcasm, it is evident I am not alone.
    Thank you God.

    As this day comes to an end, I recall another devotional I read earlier.
    1st Corinthians 10:13 (NLT)
    The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. AND GOD IS FAITHFUL. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you can endure.
    This is so comforting. It screams everything I need to hear.
    Our temptations, while different, are yet the same. Sin is sin.
    And God is faithful. Whatever we are facing. He is faithful. Our burdens will be too much to bear alone. But if we don’t deny Him and look to Him for a way out, and cling to Him even as that thorn pricks our side, asking for strength and wisdom and courage to endure, as believers, and as we are tempted, as we call out, He will help us. He promises He will because He is faithful. He will show us a way out.
    I think I can sleep on that.
    I think I’ve been denying God.
    I think I’m going to try my best to not do that anymore.
    I want to fly.
    I want to evolve.
    I want to be kind.
    I want to give grace.
    I want to Give Grace A Hug.
    It is by grace that I have been saved.
    But just because I’m saved doesn’t mean He is done with me yet…
    This eagle is about to leave her nest….

    Morning. Thursday, here…
    Not quite enough coffee to function, but I’m working on that.
    I thought I was done. But this morning’s devotional I can’t help but share. It is again, too timely to be just a coincidence. I’m seeing how God is really trying to tell me it is time to change positions in my life.
    Isaiah 30:19 The Message
    Cry for help and you’ll find it’s grace and more grace. The moment He hears, He’ll answer.
    Just ask. Just reach. There is enough grace to see you through whatever it is you may be afraid of or worried about or think you can’t change. He is faithful.
    I always have K-Love on in my kitchen. Rarely does it get turned down or shut off. Unless absolute silence is needed.
    It is 8:08…
    Amazing Grace is playing.
    His word, my hope secure…
    My chains are gone, I’ve been set free…
    Unending love, amazing grace…
    And like a flood, His mercy reigns…
    Unending love, amazing grace….