Mom?

Yes.

You.

The one who can barely get out of bed and get yourself ready let alone get the kids ready for school.

Do I have to do this again?

Pack lunch.

Brush hair.

Brush teeth.

Eat.

Caffeinate.

Run.

Cook.

Clean.

Repeat.

Caffeinate.

Sit.

No.

You don’t sit.

In the car maybe during all the trips to and fro.

After school.

Shoot.

Afternoon chaos.

Sports.

Homework.

Meal.

One eye open at the supper table.

Will you make it to bedtime?

Dead tired.

Mom.

I see you.

Mom?

Yes.

You.

The one who gets up extra early to exercise and shower and dress for work.

Looking fresh and clean.

Stunning.

Not wanting to leave your babies with someone else.

But.

You must.

You get up everyday.

Pack the bags.

Forget to eat.

Caffeinate.

Drop off.

Leave with tears in your eyes.

Make it through the day to only to go home where you left off.

Clean.

Cook.

Laundry.

Pack bags.

Flop in bed.

Dead tired.

Just to get up and do it all again.

Mom.

I see you.

Mom?

Grandma?

Yes.

You.

You are doing the unthinkable.

Taking care of your grandchildren.

You play both roles.

You don’t even know what to call your own self.

Except tired.

Exhausted.

You care give till you’re spent.

You try to treat all the same.

You set boundaries.

You put up walls.

You forgot to call.

You have forgotten yourself.

Heck you’ve forgotten everyone else.

Just because you’re tapped out.

You don’t know how tomorrow will get done let alone the day you’re in.

Mom.

I see you.

Mom?

Yes.

You.

On your good days you are good.

So good.

Dishes.

Floors.

Laundry.

Dusting.

Cookies.

Actually put jeans on.

Makeup.

Girrrrrrrrl.

On your bad days you are so bad.

It hurts to move.

Getting up is all you can do.

It is all you do.

Dishes?

Ha.

Floors.

Meh.

Laundry.

Do it yourself.

Dust.

Bahahahaha.

Cookies.

Do dog biscuits count?

Makeup.

Heck no.

Jeans.

Mmmmmm, not today.

You really don’t care.

Oh deep down you do.

But it is not evident anywhere near the surface.

Not today.

Mom.

I see you.

Mom?

Yes.

You.

The step mom.

The other mom.

The un-biological mom.

The foster mom.

The mom who just wants them to love you as much as you try to love them.

You want your family to fit the mold.

You want to be liked.

Shoot.

Respected would be enough.

You pour their cup before your own.

Cook.

Clean.

Wash.

Dry.

Try to keep it normal.

Give.

Take.

Yell.

Blame.

Hurt.

Forgive.

Try again.

Mom.

I see you.

Mom?

Yes.

You.

You are at every sporting event.

Choir concert.

Program.

Parents meeting.

No matter how hard it is to get out.

To face being in public.

You get through with your fists clenched and looking straight ahead.

Eye contact.

Please no.

Converse.

Oh God help you.

Pretend you’re good when on the inside you know you’re not.

Anxious.

Nervous.

Worried what’s next.

Tense.

Running through your own mind.

Glancing over the shoulder.

Burying your face in your phone.

Love to watch your child play or perform.

Severely dislike going where it’s too peopleeeey.

Stick it out because you love them.

It’s not about you.

It’s still a challenge every time though.

You look around at all the groups chatting and laughing away.

It stings a bit.

Mom.

I see you.

Mom?

Yes.

You.

You’re Mom.

You’re Dad.

It doesn’t even matter where Dad is.

Why he’s not around.

Why he left.

Why he can’t man up.

You love your kids enough for the both of you.

Hard.

Unending.

With all your heart.

Somedays you enjoy having them all to your self.

Other days.

Please.

Someone.

Help.

Hard not to be bitter.

Hard to not wanna throw your hands up.

You continue on.

Just for them.

Because they deserve it.

Mom.

I see you.

Mom?

Yes.

You.

You are happily married.

You stay at home.

You love your husband.

You appreciate all he does.

For you.

For the kids.

He works a lot.

You are alone a lot.

You cook for everyone.

You eat your food cold.

Shuffle kids to all their stuff.

He’s not home yet.

You long for the connection that used to be.

You wonder where you went.

You try to find yourself at the bottom of the dishes or that pile of laundry.

You give your all.

No wonder there’s nothing left.

Mom.

I see you.

Mom?

Yes.

You.

Mom?

I was you.

Mom?

I am you.

We are so much more alike than our outward appearance may show.

Our hearts beat in time.

Yet to a totally different drum.

Our hearts hurt and laugh the same.

Our minds race together.

Yet on separate tracks.

Mom?

You hear me?

Everyday I wake up I pick up my pieces and I tote them around.

I carry the weight of not only who I was but also who I am.

I look around at other moms who “look” like I wanna feel.

Together.

Organized.

Happy.

Mom.

Ever feel like this?

As Mom I spend a lot of time focusing on what I don’t do.

What I did wrong.

What I didn’t complete.

What time I didn’t spend.

What errand I didn’t run.

What form I forgot to fill out.

Mom.

Do you do this?

I don’t ever take time to think about what I did do or have done.

That would be gloating, right?

Selfish?

Full of myself?

Mom.

Is this you?

Countless hours are spent caring for our children, our house, our significant other, our pets, our jobs.

Me time.

Shoot.

When I get to go to the store alone.

When I sleep.

Please don’t think I can go to the bathroom alone.

Ha.

Mom?

You know what I mean?

One of my devotions today, that I finally sat down to read, was about loving as-is.

Loving as-is.

My mind keeps replaying this.

As-is.

We love others as-is.

Or at least we try.

It is not always easy.

Once again, to do this, we have to move ourselves out the way.

As-is.

Mom.

Mom.

What if we loved ourselves as-is?

The way we are right now.

Messy.

Put together.

Late.

Early.

Mad.

Sad.

Alone.

Depressed.

Fearful.

Anxious.

Nervous.

Beautiful.

Fat.

Skinny.

Complicated.

Easy.

As-is.

Mom.

Take me as I am.

I’m me.

I love me for that.

I don’t want to be you.

I just want to be a better me.

Yes?

Mom.

I want to stand beside you as you fall.

I want to hold your hand during that hard time.

I want to cheer you on.

I want you to know you are not alone.

I’m there with you.

I’ve been there.

I am there.

I respect you even though we’re not the same.

I see your heart.

Damn.

If it feels stuff anything like mine does, we are more alike than we thought.

As-is.

An as-is Mom.

Everyday loving herself as-is while she loves others as-is.

Who tries to be a better version of herself today than who she was yesterday.

That’s the Mom I wanna be.

Today I’m just glad I have a Heavenly Father who loves me as-is.

Who pulls me in and whispers I love you when I need it most.

Who reminds me His grace is not earned by what work I do.

Unearned favor.

As-is.

He loves me as-is.

Mom.

Yes.

You.

He loves you too.

As-is.

Today I hope and pray for us to love ourselves more.

As-is.

We can’t pour from an empty cup.

Drained is an understatement most days.

Empty.

Yes.

The good thing.

Our cup is refillable.

Refillable.

Thank God.

Take time for yourself today.

Mom.

Yes.

You.

He loves you.

I love you.

Keep going.

When in doubt ask Him.

He’ll help you find your way.

Pray.

Hold on.

Keep loving.

Them.

And yourself.

As-is.

2 Corinthians 12:8-9

8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

#givegraceahug

This is my view this morning.

Yes, yes, I know.

Not oceanfront.

But paradise like.

The warm breeze is soothing.

The coffee is fresh.

The coffee is hot.

The water falling from the fountain sounds like a steady, pure, cleansing rain.

Every so often the breeze carries the mist my way.

Cool.

Refreshing.

Awakening.

Another sip as I scroll through pictures from yesterday after we arrived.

After a long 14 hour van ride.

With 4 kids.

On no sleep.

Thank God we made it.

But these pictures.

As I look at the faces.

The joy.

My heart melts.

My heart smiles.

My heart feels joy.

I wonder how.

Why?

Why did God choose me to be their Mom?

Grandmom?

I wonder.

I wonder why in the day to day is it so hard to see the joy?

So hard to to feel the joy?

Feel the joy.

I can see it.

Why can’t I feel it?

Feel it.

Hmmmmmmmm.

Removed from all the stressors of the day to day, I feel the joy.

I feel the joy.

I see the joy.

I see the joy because my eyes aren’t tuned into the chores needing done, the laundry that needs folded, the kids that need fed, the dogs, the dust, the dirt, the day to day.

The day to day.

If I could stay on vacation for the rest of my life, I would.

To see the joy.

Feel the joy.

As I sit here this morning before the day to day starts, the quiet holds my attention. The peace I feel grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me.

Wakes me.

Believe me, and I’m only one, but in the heart of all the mommas hearts, I think, I feel, that all we want to do is see the joy.

See the joy.

Feel the joy.

On our kids faces.

In their hearts.

In our own hearts.

Through their eyes.

I feel the joy.

See the joy.

Today.

Everyday.

In the day to day.

Through the day to day.

During the day to day.

Today.

Everyday.

Today.

Today I choose joy.

No matter how hard it is.

I’m choosing joy.

Immma be the joy.

Find the joy.

Look for the joy.

Through the day to day.

On vacation or not.

I choose joy.

Joy.

Even though I may not feel it.

But I see it.

Right in front of me.

Everyday.

Immma choose joy.

A kindly reminder.

To see the light in the dark.

Through the dark.

In the dark.

Whether I feel it or not.

See the joy.

Feel the joy.

Choose the joy.

Today.

Right now I pray that allllllll of us.

Alllllllll of us can somehow find the joy in whatever it is that we may face today.

In whatever it is we have to do today.

In whatever it is that we don’t want to do today.

Or go to today.

Or take care of today.

Today.

Everyday.

Remember.

Through our Father’s eyes, we are loved.

You are loved.

You bring Him joy.

Look at yourself through His eyes.

Wonderfully made.

Unique.

Beautiful.

Forgiven.

A daughter.

Loved.

Sooooooo loved.

Soooooo, soooooo, soooooo loved.

That right there.

That makes my heart jump for joy.

Full of joy.

Loved by my Father.

My Heavenly Father.

Thank you God for your gift of grace and your son who paid the price. Who sacrificed so I could see the joy.

Feel the joy.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”

Romans 15:13 ESV

Give Grace.

Give Grace A Hug❤️

Coffee and God…

As the hot coffee flows down the back of my throat, I feel myself melting on the inside, as it is literally warming my cold veins. As it quenches my thirst, it’s calmness floats to parts unreachable, it’s peace fills my soul, it distributes life to my aching and tired body. I don’t think there is any coincidence here.

As I sip and read my devotionals, I think, coffee and reading God’s Word are all too similar. No fooling anyone here, coffee is one of my favorite things.

There isn’t much better in the still of the morning. That aroma, that warmth, before everyone wakes up, gazing out the window, soaking in the sun, watching on as it brings life to everything around it, dreaming of the day to come. If only time stood still.

Much like my coffee.

Much like God’s Word.

Every morning I read a handful of devotionals. Some resonate more than others, some so on point, it’s hard to use the word relevancy.

His timing.

His message.

Beyond relevancy.

Trust is a beautiful word when used correctly, when upheld, when executed, when respected.

Trust.

It can also become like soap in our mouths, leaving a bad taste, especially when it is spoiled, broken, abused, forgotten, misused, or misplaced.

Trust.

I must say, personally I’m at both ends of this spectrum, trusting way too much or simply not enough. I tend to believe people are good and trustworthy or I’m way over here on the other end. No trust in sight, anxious, trying my hardest to control outcomes, situations and relationships. Somewhere in the middle, I dance with both feet, tapping here, sliding over there, dancing circles and spinning out of control.

Funny, one of my devotionals this morning was Nehemiah 9:17 You are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Thank God for that. Somehow, that brings to my attention, my own lack of trust when it comes to believing that God could possibly be for me. Little ol’ me. My anxious, fearful, controlling self. Why does He want what is best for me? Why doesn’t that line up with my own plan for my life? Oh, me and control. If I give that up, what is left, right? If I surrender my fear of what is next, then what do I cling to?

I need another sip of coffee to swallow that one…

Ha…

As I cling to my coffee cup, it’s warmth on my hands, it’s liquid life pumping through my veins, it becomes obvious.

This is how I feel when I read God’s Word.

It pumps life into my being. It soothes my soul. It restores my spirit. It warms my heart. It kickstarts my day, just like my coffee. It puts me in position to trust Him with the day, the plans, the path.

Not my day or my plans or my path.

But His.

Wow, He knew what He was doing when I finally acquired a taste for coffee.

I haven’t always liked coffee.

I haven’t always been in God’s word either.

Hmmmmmmmm…

Onto another cup of life.

Some days I drink too much. I’m telling you, if I were to give blood, as they stick me, they would probably question as to why all of sudden it was like they were transported to Starbucks.

Just as much as I thirst for coffee, there really isn’t a time where I don’t thirst for God’s plan on my life.

His love being poured over me has brought life to parts of me that I thought would never breathe again.

It has shown me forgiveness I thought I would never know. It has covered me in grace through mistakes and heartbreak and pride and excuses.

It has picked me up from the bottom of bottoms and gave me hope to go on.

When it seemed to others like I had everything, on the inside of my cup, it was dry and empty.

I needed a refill.

I needed that cup of life His word can provide.

That is, as long as I trust in Him. As long as let Him work in my life. As long as I surrender to His will.

Every morning, I get up, trusting that coffee will bring me the life and energy I need to start the day.

Every morning, I get up, trusting that spending time in God’s word and presence, will bring me the life and energy and patience and love and courage and hope I need to start the day.

I’m positive coffee has let me down.

I’m positive there have been days when I drank a whole pot and still drug my butt through the day, half awake, tired and irritable.

I’m positive there have been days when I’ve skipped being in God’s Word or skipped praying or just spending time alone with Him. Same effect.

Tired, irritable, anxious, half awake.

I’m positive when I start my day with Him, I am not let down.

I’m positive, that while challenging, walking with God has never let me down. It has only helped me to see life again. It has only led me to forgiveness and healing and love.

And right now as I drink from His cup of life, and at the same time, sip from the the other liquid life I call coffee,

I am warmed.

I am whole.

I am coming to understand the bold truth of the power of love.

I am applying grace to move forward.

I am moving forward.

Coffee in one hand.

Jesus in the other.

Devil, you have no chance.

Thank you God for Your saving grace.

It is by grace alone I have been saved.

Give grace.

Give Grace A Hug…

I started a new devotional today.

The topic for today was:

You are loved…no, really.

Hmmmm.

I’m already spinning about how I’ve always sought approval or love in some kinda way. Maybe a people pleaser too. A yes girl. Wanting to do what others want to be loved or accepted.

I thought I had gotten over being “that person”.

In many ways I have.

By the gift of God’s grace.

Prayer.

Finding strength in Him.

Reading today’s words, I kinda stumbled. Fell upon the picture of me still needing to “make sure” I’m loved.

I “know” my husband loves me.

I “know” my kids love me.

But I find myself seeking out, making sure, looking for ways…

Mannnnnn.

No wonder I feel so empty.

I “know” there’s only one love that can fill those voids I seek to fill with other’s love and approval.

One love that can fill the loneliness, the emptiness, the desire to be loved.

Why can’t I accept it?

Love?

Any of it?

God’s.

My husband’s?

Friends?

My children’s?

Family?

God’s?

Even when I hear I love you, in the back of my mind, I question it, I wonder, I wonder if they really mean it.

I wonder if God really means it.

I wonder if spending countless time chasing the love and approval of my earthly father has anything to do with my reluctance to accept and the unending need to feel approval and feel wanted?

I wonder why do I “know“ the truth about Christ’s love, yet still shy away, reject and continue to feel unloved?

I wonder why?

Why would God love me?

Grace is something else.

Thank you God for your grace.

Thank you for your word, that stands alone, that is right in front of me, that I can read, to “know” your truth.

Verses like these:

Philippians 4:13 ESV

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Psalm 94 18-19 ESV

18When I thought “my foot slips”, your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. 19When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.

These verses also grabbed my attention this morning. Ephesians3:14-19(ESV)

Prayer for Spiritual Strength

14 For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, 16 that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19 and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

If you read Ephesians, you’ll find this as one of the letters Paul wrote to the churches of Ephesus.

I find it a comforting prayer.

A prayer to remain in humble adoration. A prayer to be strengthened through His spirit. Because as Christians, He already lives in us, because we believed. We had faith. We have faith. Being rooted and standing firm in His love, we can have the strength to comprehend, comprehend the incomprehensible, the unending depth of His love. The east to the west. To know His love surpasses all we know. All we think we know. All we can comprehend. It’s that big.

How can you not stand up and be strong in that?

You are loved.

We are loved.

Grace.

Being taught by grace.

By faith.

In the truth that I am loved.

As I am.

As I am, I am accepted in His love.

I am forgiven.

Adopted.

Welcomed.

Born again.

Even when I don’t love myself.

Through His work.

Not mine.

Grace.

Thank you God for your grace.

Give Grace.

Give Grace A Hug❤️

Sitting in the sun today,

It feels hotter than normal.

The rays are hot,

They penetrate my soul.

Just another thing I can’t control.

As the heat makes my skin turn pink,

You already know,

I just sit and think.

So far away,

Yet so close,

It’s as if that ball of fire

Knows my every desire.

It warms me from the inside out.

Who am I?

Who am I to doubt?

As the birds chirp,

As the breeze blows through,

I find myself.

I find myself looking to You.

Where are You?

Where have You been?

Why do I feel so lonely again?

Why do put myself aside?

Why do I hide?

Why can’t I fix it all?

Man, I really am so small.

Why do I continue to know You yet act as if You’ve been forgot?

Why God why?

Why?

Just a thought.

As the heat brings sweat to my face,

Each drop reminds of the race.

The race I didn’t win.

The race I lost.

The race I didn’t enter,

Because too much was the cost.

The race in front of me.

The race behind.

The race in between.

Am I losing my mind?

Am I losing my grip?

Am I?

Am I?

I can feel the slip.

I can feel the pull.

I feel like a fool.

I feel like these things that are out of my hand,

Are killing me inside.

Was that Your plan?

To leave me here just dangling over the edge?

To watch me drop off?

To fall again?

To grasp to that string so loosely attached?

To watch my hands hurt as I try?

To see my heart ache,

As I say goodbye.

Goodbye to what?

My sin?

Your glory?

My belief?

Your story?

My pain?

Your healing?

My forgetfulness?

Your forgiveness?

What?

What am I thinking?

To walk away,

Would be defeating.

But it hurts.

It hurts my heart.

Damn it?

Where do I start?

All over again.

Again?

Why did I walk?

Please.

Please, just talk.

Talk to me.

Hear me.

Tell me what’s next.

Save me from myself.

From my own personal mess.

Tell me it’s ok.

Tell me how.

Now.

Now God now.

Tell me.

Tell me.

Wait.

I have to listen?

Wait.

I have to stop to hear Your voice?

Wait.

Wait.

I have no choice.

Wait.

Isn’t that all I do?

Is wait.

Wait on You?

I don’t like it when You talk to me like that.

When You tell me what to do.

Isn’t my plan what’s best?

Isn’t my way part of the test?

I’m tired.

Tired of trying to figure it out.

Tired of my own selfish doubt.

Tired of looking around and seeing what I see.

I’m tired of me.

I’m tired of giving in.

I’m tired of sin.

I’m tired all the way through.

What do I do?

What?

WHAT??

Why am I yelling at You?

Because I’m mad God.

I’m mad.

I’m so mad it hurts.

I’m so mad I could scream.

And that would cause a scene.

Don’t want anyone to know where I’m at.

The struggle.

The pain.

The sadness.

Well, there’s that.

I said it.

My body hurts.

My heart aches.

My head is spinning.

I can feel my desire thinning.

This sin.

This sin of self absorption.

This sin of hate.

Hate for myself.

Is it too late?

Is it?

God?

Let me know?

I promise I’ll listen.

Just don’t let me go.

Don’t leave me.

Please wait.

I promise I will.

I promise.

I promise.

Ohhhhhhh.

My heart be still.

My heart is racing.

Look who I’m facing.

I’m standing here trying to go toe to toe.

With the One who made me.

The One who can save me.

The One who has more answers than I.

The One way up in the sky.

As I lift my gaze to the hot, hot sun,

The heat,

It’s hot.

It burns my eyes.

Is that a surprise?

Or a gentle reminder of the things He can do?

Maybe not so gentle,

But bold and hot.

Reminding me to doubt Him not.

Reminding me of the light found in Him.

Reminding me about my sin.

Reminding me the gift He gave.

Reminding me of His son.

His only one.

Who died upon that cross for me.

Don’t you see?

The battle has been won.

The war was fought long ago.

The price was paid.

How did that go?

Jesus gave His life you see.

For you.

For me.

For everybody.

For those who believe.

Believe in the power of the cross.

Believe in nothing is ever lost.

Believe in His grace to wash you clean.

Believe you are worth saving.

Know what I mean?

Do you?

Do I?

Some days I don’t.

Some days I drift as if I haven’t been saved.

As if I haven’t accepted the price He paid.

As if my fear is greater than He.

As if my life depended on me.

Ha.

Funny story.

My life was never mine.

That’s hard to swallow.

That’s kinda hard to let go of.

My life.

My grip.

My hold.

My power.

My plan.

I let those things go the minute I took His hand.

Yet I still try to steer and drive.

It’s how I survive.

I take the wheel.

I make the turns.

I say when to go.

I say when to stop.

I say.

I say.

Conviction today.

Stop.

Stop.

Go.

Go.

Move.

Bend.

Sway.

Break.

Snap.

Stop.

Stop it Chela.

Stop.

Stop I say.

Today is a new day.

Yea, well, I get tired of telling myself that all the time.

Waking up to the same old grind.

This is the life I’ve given you.

Who are you to snicker at that?

To doubt where I’ve put you?

To doubt my true love?

To doubt my goodness?

To doubt my grace?

I know, I’m a failure.

I’m a disgrace.

A wash.

A wash out.

Full of doubt.

Full of fear.

Even when I know You are near.

Even when I know I can.

Even when I hold Your hand.

Even when times are tough.

Even when times are right.

Even when I can’t sleep at night.

Even when I know.

Even when I know Your truth.

Your truth.

Your truth.

Not mine.

It seems as if You’ve been too kind.

Too kind to me.

I don’t deserve the grace you’ve allowed.

I don’t deserve a chance again.

Lost but found.

Lost but found.

I like that sound.

You’re right.

I’m lost.

But I’m finding my way.

Everyday.

Thank You for the forgiveness daily you grant.

Thank You for another chance.

Thank You for Your willingness to dance.

To dip and swerve as I navigate.

To hold me close as I wait.

To pull me back in when I’m ready.

To hold me upright and steady.

To lead me when I’m lost.

To let me spin at my own cost.

To let me fall when I need to.

To pick me up so I can see you.

See you working in my life.

See you working out the details I just can’t.

See you every where I look.

In the smiles.

In the frowns.

In the ups.

In the downs.

In the dance.

In the walk.

In the everyday.

In the ordinary.

In my heart.

That’s a start.

Right?

You promise to hold on tight?

You promise to work it all out for my good?

You promise?

You do.

Thanks.

I’ll take that.

I’ll believe.

I’ll try.

Harder than I have.

Wait.

I won’t try.

I will.

I mean I will lean on You.

I mean I will try harder to practice my faith.

Practice makes perfect.

Perfection.

Never.

But I can be perfect in Your love.

That I can live with forever.

Perfect in Your love as it shapes me.

As it molds me and moves me the way I need to be.

More of you.

Less of me.

Less of dark.

More of light.

Let the sun remind me of Your greatness and glory.

The vastness.

The warmth.

The beauty.

The sun.

Your son.

The penalty.

The price.

The redemption.

The rising again.

Our sin.

Put upon His great shoulders.

The sun.

The reminder.

The battle.

The victory won.

The sun.

The Son.

Jesus.

Friend of sinners.

Sinners like me.

A sinner that doesn’t deserve His great love.

A sinner who once and again needs a shove.

A humbling.

Maybe a sign from above.

By His design.

To remind me of who I am in Him.

Not in this world.

Not of it.

But who I am in Him.

To rise above it.

To stand tall in who’s I am.

Who’s I am.

A daughter of my Heavenly Father,

Who never had to bother.

But He did.

He searched.

He reached.

He found.

He loved like no other.

He loved me.

He loves me.

As I am.

As I will be.

Hold on to that when things are tough.

With Him.

In Him.

You are enough.

You are.

You are.

Even on those days.

When the darkness is more prevalent than light.

When you’ve lost you’re fight.

He loves you on that day.

He loves you tomorrow.

He will love you through your sorrow.

He will love you through the good.

The bad.

He will be the best Dad.

You ever had.

He will not forsake you even when you feel forsaken.

He will provide.

It’s a risk worth taking.

Step off.

Take a leap.

His arms are open wide.

You won’t have to hide.

He loves you on the inside.

Dirty or not.

Cold or hot.

As you are.

Today.

Right now.

In the sun.

In the dark.

In your mess.

In your goodness.

In your sinning.

In your not.

Today I’m giving it a shot.

I have to.

I have to reach.

I have to accept.

Life before death.

Life right now.

Life right in front of me.

See?

It’s that amazing grace that finds you wherever you are.

Pulls you in.

Lifts your heavy heart.

It’s a start.

Amazing grace.

Gives my heart a tug.

Accept it.

Hold it.

Give up the fight.

Hug it tight.

Thank you Lord for the gift from above.

I’ll take it.

I’ll give it.

Give Grace.

Give Grace a Hug❤️

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

 Ahhhhh….time flies. From May 2016. And here we are, another school year over….
Another school year to an end. I mean seriously, didn’t it just begin?
From soccer to basketball, orchestra and art,
I’m pretty sure we just said start.
This year has flown by in ways more than one,
I just hope in some way they had some fun.
As I close my eyes and think about the memories made,
I mean what do I remember?
Did I make the grade?
Was I supportive?
Did I nag?
Did I forget to put the juicee in your lunch bag?
Did I kiss them goodbye everyday?
Did I tell them I love them as they went on their way?
Did I hold their hands long enough that they felt it?
Did I always encourage rather than quit?
Did I push? 
Did I pull?
Did I love them enough?
Did I?
Did I?
Oh, this is tough.
The trips to infinity and beyond,
The homework,
The laughs,
The frustration, 
The tears,
The wisdom beyond their years.
This is what we live for, 
These hearts so pure,
These hearts so trusting, 
These hearts so true,
These hearts wide open,
These hearts are growing into their own,
These hearts have made me love them all the way to the bone,
As I watched them grow all year long,
It’s hard not to remember what went wrong,
From boo boos to broken hearts,
From bruised egos to fights,
From a momma’s many sleepless nights,
From straight a’s to not so much,
From a hairdo I couldn’t touch,
From trying to find the good in the bad,
From mad to glad to sad,
From pouting because the shoes cost too much,
To shouting over who’s the best in the clutch?
From disappointment to disaster,
To the best gift ever made of plaster,
To the countless drawings of your not sure what,
To bring stuck in a rut,
To homework with check marks, 
To Baggie books to read,
To praying to God you just planted a seed, 
To wishing them well,
To telling them no,
To hugging them tight, 
To letting them go,
To holding them till the hurt subsides,
To pushing them away as you cried,
To sitting at the table sobbing in your own arms,
To praying for protection from all kinds of harm,
To gentle kisses and exhausted good nights,
I think we can rest we did something right. 
We tried.
We cared.
We fought.
We shared. 
We hurt. 
We laughed.
We fell. 
We got up.
We loved.
We laughed.
We put together.
We fell apart.
But we did it with all of our heart.
We love you more than you can ever imagine,
Forgive us for our lack of perfection,
Forgive us for being that mom in the crowd,
Forgive us for giggling ever so loud,
Forgive us for wearing our hearts on our sleeves,
Forgive us for our many, many pet peeves,
Forgive us for being late,
Forgive us for not coming,
Forgive us for trying to be in more places than one,
Over Scheduling,
And forgetting to just have fun,
Forgive us for the meeting we forgot,
The sock we misplaced,
Or the burnt food in the pot.
I promise you I tried.
I promise you I cared.
I promise you I will love you more than you’ve ever been dared. 
I promise you your hugs are like gold to me,
I promise you there’s way more love than you’ll ever see,
I promise you my heart overflows when you just smile,
I promise you’ve made my life completely worthwhile,
I promise I pray for you more than you know,
I promise I’m working on letting you go,
I promise to love you as you become your own,
I promise I love you even if you feel alone,
I promise…
I promise…
I promise to you,
While I’m no where near perfect,
My love is perfectly true.
For you, 
My children,
I try with all my heart,
Somedays I don’t know where to start,
Somedays it’s all I got,
Somedays it’s all tipsy turvy,
Somedays it’s not,
But know that I as finish each day when I finally hit the bed,
Full of the day’s memories dancing through my head,
I’m praying for more patience I’ll need for tomorrow,
More love, 
More kindness,
More mercy and grace,
More thankfulness, 
More truth,
More passion,
More of your embrace.
Thank you for being the child you are.
Thank you for your spirit, 
Thank you for your light,
Thank you for reminding me to fight,
Thank you for inspiring me to be better,
Thank you so much for reading this letter.
Know I’m not always good at saying things right,
But if you know anything,
Know that I love you.  
I love you with all of my might❤️

If you are a son or daughter without your Mother today,
My heart feels your loss.

If you are a Mother today struggling to relate to any children of your own,
My heart breaks the same.

If you are someone today who is providing care to a child not your own,
My heart knows the challenges you face.

If you are a Mother who has lost a child, I can’t even imagine how much it must hurt.
My heart cries for your healing.

If you are a woman longing to have a child all your own,
My heart longs with you.

If you are a Mother,
You may know how it feels to long be noticed, even if only for a day.
To be shown in return, the love you pour out over and over, even when you are empty yourself.

If you are a Mother,
You may understand when I say it can be lonely.
Lonely at the top of the laundry mountain.
Lonely at the bottom of the kitchen sink.
Lonely after a long day at work.
Sometimes we are left depleted and shot.
But I’ll tell you,
If you’re a Mother,
Somedays it is all you got.

I know.
I know our value is not found in our work.

But.
If you’re a Mother,
You may know we tend to search.
Search for our worth.
Search in that meal we didn’t cook.
Search in the laundry undone.
Search in the time we yelled.
Search in that homework overlooked.

Maybe.
Maybe we think we’re not worth much at all.
Because we forgot to call.
Because we left our floors a mess.
Because we wouldn’t let you wear “that dress”.
Because we fell asleep reading that book.
Because we ignored you that time you said, “look, MOMMY, look”.
Because I could sit her today and tell you all I’ve done wrong.
How I hold myself accountable.
For.
EVERY.
SINGLE.
FALL.
Every break . Every bend.
I’m telling you,
As a Mother,
The list does not end.

If I could tell you how much I love you,
There really aren’t enough words.
No.
Really.
You don’t understand.
It’s absurd.
Every time you cry,
A part of me dies.
Every time you fail. I want to fix it.
Every time someone broke your heart.
Man.
Do you know how hard it was to not? To not find them and ask them why??? To shake them. to scare them, to do something to get that look from your eyes???

If you’re a Mother,
You may know the depth of my love.
It’s unmeasurable.
To infinity and beyond.
I may not show it in all the ways I should.
It may come out in words misunderstood.
“Put your seatbelt on”
“Be careful”
“Don’t do that”
“Don’t talk to me that way”
In hugs and kisses.
EVERY.
SINGLE.
DAY.

But I”ll say,
As a Mother,
I do forget.
I do say it wrong.
I do mess up.
I do repent.
I do get up and try again.

Just for you.
Just because.
Because I want you to be so much more than I ever was.
I want you to know your worth is beyond measure.
To see you are a treasure.
Just because you are you.
You are special just your way.
Believe that.
Believe that today.
Believe that every day.

So today as a Mother,
I want you to know,
I’m standing in prayer,
Whether you are hurting or not.
You are in my thoughts.
If you feel lonely today.
Take heart.
I’m with you.
Tomorrow is a new start.
Hold on.
Hold on to the memories.
Grab on.
Grab on to new hope.
Hug.
Hug the grace that saved you before.
Hug it some more.
Let it.
Let it wash away the tears.
Let it permeate your fears.
Let it hold you as if your Mother was near.
Let it flood each and every space.
Let it shine on your beautiful face.

As a Mother,
I know it’s hard.

As a Mother,
I also know,
Your heart is a s resilient as they come.
You’ll bounce back.
You’ll see.
If you are a Mother you will find a way.
If you are not a Mother,
I hope you are someday.

It truly could be one of God’s greatest gifts…

But hear this…

If you’re a Mother.
If you are anyone feeling lonely today.
Not quite able to celebrate,
But thankful just the same.
I lift you up,
In Jesus’ name.
May you find comfort.
May our prayers be heard.
May grace wash you clean as you read every word.

As a Mother,
To me, YOU are beautiful.
To me, YOU are loved.
To me, YOU are tough.
To me, YOU are enough.

Try to find the beauty somewhere, in something, today.
I’m right there beside you, struggling in the same way.
Know you are loved by the One up above.
Your worth found in Him no money could buy.
Please don’t cry.
Please just try.
Try to see yourself as He does.
Priceless.
Your worth could never be bought.
Much like a Mother’s love,
And somedays.
Somedays,
It IS all you got.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Give Grace.
Give Grace A Hug❤️