Ok, so I had to go to the store this morning. Bare necessities. Chocolate milk, pull-ups, baby wipes. Ahhhh, coffee creamer, which I forgot. In for a few things, out with much more. Anyone with me here? Arriving home, I find myself carrying every last bag on my arm. For what? One less trip? To hurry life along? My fingers numb, my forearms covered in plastic bag induced slits, my elbows bending backwards from all the weight…

Am I the only one that does this? Am I the only one who longs for someone to meet me at the door with help to carry all this dang junk? That I bought, by the way…

Hmmmmmm. Mind wandered. Those bags. Those bags represent the stuff we carry on our hearts. It gets heavy. A bag for all the times our hearts were broken, a bag for guilt, a bag for sin, a bag full of fears, a bag for grief, a bag for unforgiveness. Our hearts can become full of all that junk, just like the bags from the store. We carry them around, letting them weigh us down. Sometimes feeling as if no one is there to help us carry them. Ahhhh, what about that person who is alone at home and has no one there to take a bag off their arm? Have you ever been that person? Alone, tired, no fire for life, no desire to find that fire, passing through, day to day, checking the box, carrying those plastic bags full of yuck around with you every where you went? Sounds familiar to me. Too familiar. When we rely on ourselves to the point of exhaustion, the point of failure, the point where we find there is nothing left of ourselves to give, we search for deeper. We look for more. We are rock bottom. We are those plastic bags being smothered at the bottom of the recycle bin, looking up, gasping for air, begging for someone to pull us out, take a bag, share the load….

At the end of ourselves, we find something more. We find Him. He can carry all the plastic bags in the world. He can greet us at the door, arms stretched wide, prepared to lighten our load. I believe we all come face to face with the choice of taking His hand or turning away, most likely more than once in our lives. Taking His hand, His love, His forgiveness could be all you need to empty those plastic bags. To clean your heart, start fresh, put out that old fire and start a new one.

A year or so ago I would’ve chuckled at a post like this.

A year or so ago He found me.

He stretched out His arms and let me place my plastic bags on His. He sent me His son to greet me at the door of uncertainty, failure, and weakness. He placed His love on my heart so I could feel it was going to be ok. Know yet feel. My mind would tell me I’m crazy, my heart tells me there’s nothing better than feeling His love. His love for me. His love for us. All of us. All of me. In my faults, my selfishness, my sorrow, my doubt, my yucky self. He still loves me. He still loves you. What a Father, to send His Son, to share our burdens, to share the weight of life, to share a friendship, with anyone who seeks it.

It was all I needed. Life is still bumpy, and my arms are still wore out, but now, now I know I’m not alone, never was, and don’t have to be ever again.

Wow. If you’re wondering what God’s love is like, just ask Him. Pray. He hears you and He’ll show up time and time again…

So the next time you see a plastic bag, think, think of Him. Thank Him. Think of His goodness, His timing, His forgiveness, His unending love. Think, hmmmmm, maybe a bag full of Grace is all I need to see past my mess, into the life He wants me to have. Just a thought. Just a hug. Just Give Grace A Hug!

Ephesians 2:4-5 4But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—

Sometimes. Sometimes I need to know why. Sometimes I just long to understand. Sometimes I don’t even know what to pray, my heart just cries, small whispers, loud sobs, begging to be heard. Sometimes the place I’m in is dark and ugly and lonely and broken and numb and full of hurt. Sometimes I feel like it’s all I know. Sometimes it’s my own fault. Sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes my thoughts are bigger than my heart, my love, my God.
I am, a lot, my own worst enemy. I beg for forgiveness, seek divine intervention, pray, plead, weep, scream, lose control, fall to my knees, get back up, pray some more, breathe, ask Him to be more present, ask myself to be more present, breathe again, pray again, hold tight, hold fast, stand firm, try to stand tall, try to stand at all, back to my knees again, begging for grace to cover me.

Asking for release.

Empty me of me.

Fill me with You.

Take my will, replace it with Yours. Meet me where my own strength ends. Move me when my own feet fail. Place me where I need to be. Help me to find comfort, through You, when it’s uncomfortable. Let me find the lesson I’ve been too blind to see. Let me use Your eyes to see others, situations and problems in a new light. Be with me on this path of uncertainty, this trail of unanswered questions and unresolved equations. Guide my heart to feel again. Lead me to love. Let me love. Love me. I need love. Your love. In times of trials, it’s all I got.

I’ve let people down. People have let me down. I’m so human. But I so desire to be more like you. Life hurts. It gets me in the feels. Life is life. People are people. God is God. His love is constant. It is the only thing that has seen me through these past few years. It has been a long few years. A new walk in faith. Heartbreak. Stress. Depression. Anxiety. Laughter. Joy. Tears. Hugs. Loneliness. Social awkwardness. Birthdays. Deaths. Holidays. Selfishness. Ego. Pride.

He never left me.

Ohhhhh, I pushed Him away, I turned my back, I thought my way was better.

Maybe I had no way at all. Maybe He has a way I forgot about. Maybe His way has been all along. Maybe I was too blind to see, too prideful to accept, too noisy to listen, too busy to take the time, too fearful to trust, too scared to step. But that’s just it. We don’t have to be. I don’t have to be. Sometimes I’m afraid to ask. Sometimes I’m hesitant to hear. Sometimes I’m too timid to trust. Too timid to trust God? He seeks us out, He applies grace, He washes away the hurt, the sin, the yuck. How can I not trust Him? Human. Too human. It’s new for me to be bold, to step out in faith, to go where no man has seen, to let Him lead. To follow. To let go of control. Not to settle, but to slow down enough to see what He’s trying to tell me. To be strong in the trials, with Him, as He changes either the situation, or my own heart. He prunes and plucks, pulls out, prods and pushes till I get it. Till I trust more, lean harder, accepting His love, understanding that in situations sometimes we’ll never know why or how or when or where or what, but we will learn to trust. Trust Him. In Patience. In Peace. In Waiting. In transition. In silence. In glory. In sadness. In laughter. In tears.

In Him.

In Him, these battles become shared. Weight is lifted. Trials will remain. The test will be given. But the results. Believing a loving Father is for you. Receiving the grace He supplies.

Applying it to your own heart, every stinking time you need it.

Every time. Every trial. Every thought. Every heartbeat. Every breath. He is working in you, in me, in us. He continues to never leave us, despite our faults, sins, shortcomings. He’s right there. He’s everywhere. Even when my way seems better. Even when I doubt. Even when I forget to pray. Even when I don’t know what to pray. Even when I don’t have the strength to pray. He hears my heart. Beat by beat, He’s holding me, He’s changing me, He’s loving me, He’s making me…
This song puts it in perspective for me…
I want to run to you, heart wide open, make me broken.
Till you are my one desire…
Till you are my one true love..
Listen to it. If you’re wondering if you can sustain the heartbreak, the struggle, the pain, the loneliness…
You can. With Him, He will see you through. He will. He can. If you let Him. If you ask Him. He will meet you wherever you are.

Anywhere.

Any moment.

Any time.

Every time.

Everyone.

No exceptions. That’s grace.

Unearned favor.

Hold on to that.

Hug that.

Give Grace.

Give Grace A Hug❤️.

Remember He’s not done with you yet.

Hmmmm. It would be an understatement to say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today….
Are you with me?
I really woke up not wanting to do life today. Not wanting to clean or change diapers or transport a cranky teen to school or tie shoes or do dishes or do laundry or pretend I care. Pretend I care??? Can you hear the attitude adjustment needing delivered already???
My, oh my…
So I was faced with a choice.
Either continue on as is today, holding on to the blah blah blah, rolling in my misery, wearing grrrrrr all over my face to be seen miles away…I’m good at that…grrrrrrrr….GRRRRRRR….
Choose to pass this crabbiness on to those who I hold dear to my heart, or choose to somehow release this funk, this yucky spirit that took hold of me before I even got out of bed…
Release. Release I say….
Not working. It’s so damn easy to let life pull you down. Faced with a tough choice late last week, I think it’s safe to say I’ve let it take my joy. My heart was forced to choose between right and wrong, choosing between loving someone and loving someone enough to tell them no. To stand on the truth is not always the easiest route. It’s easier to lie. To pretend. To coddle and toss it around searching for just a speck of truth in that wad of lies.
While it’s not hard to be honest, lets be honest, it sucks being honest, especially about the stuff that hurts. The stuff we don’t want to see about ourselves or others. Sometimes it becomes much easier to walk around depressed and angry, not socializing or getting out, laughing only in the comfort of your own home, hiding, pretending…
Mmmmmm…
As I sat down to read my devotionals, tears flow…
Stopping myself from going down the road of how did I get here?
Why?
When?
Where?
What are you doing????
I had to stop. I draw a deep breath. I listen. I look out the window. I sip my hot coffee.
I hear you, He says. Even though you can’t speak what’s on your heart, I hear you. I see you, He says. As bright as the sun is shining today, I see you searching for what’s good around you. I see you. I see you fighting with every last ounce of strength you have. I’m here to tell you to hold on. Hold on. Hold on to me. You can’t do this alone. I’ll meet you where you are, even if that is alone, depressed, hurt, angry, grieving, stressed, hopeless. I’ll be there every time, whether you see Me or not, whether you hear Me or not, I’m here. I’m all around you. Just look. Have faith. Stand firm. Fight. Lean on Me. Watch what I can do. Wait for Me to deliver. In My time. See where I’ve put you. Glorify Me through you. Share Me. Accept Me. Accept Me as I accept you.

Sometimes you don’t feel accepted by those around you…family, friends, co-workers, spouses…
Sometimes you feel like you’re drifting out in the vast ocean, swimming barely enough to stay alive. Alone. Cold. Seasick. Lifesick.
Sometimes life is great, the good stuff is easy to see, prayers have been answered, thankfulness is abundant. Joy is present.
Sometimes you’re stuck somewhere between believing and doubt. Things are gray. Fear is everywhere.
Sometimes.
Sometimes?
All the time.
All the time, God is present. God shook me enough this morning to make me see my happiness, my joy, is not dependent on others around me. It’s not dependent on how clean my house is. It’s not dependent on what my hair looks like today.
But it is a choice.
It’s a heart choice.
It’s a choice to say hey, I messed up, please forgive me, and guide me to make it right…
It’s a choice to find peace, resting your heart in His care. It’s a choice to see the things He plants around you as flowers or weeds. To see difficulties as a chance to grow. To pluck out the weeds. To water the flowers. To sow the seeds. To plant the garden. To tend to your heart. To use His love as a chance to grow. To see His hand as a mighty force that is pruning you. Shaping you. Completing you. You. Me.

Somedays I’m so blind to the good stuff. The obvious stuff I take for granted, is the same stuff that puts me in check. The hugs, the challenges of toddlers, the attitude of a teen, the mommy I need a drinks, the will you come get me nows, the food on my table, the gas in my van, the screams, the tears, the laughter…
These things will never complete me. These things will never make me whole. I can search all day for validity in the dirty laundry. I can look for forever for my worth in the money I make. I won’t find it. I’ll be searching as long as I live….
As I live…
As I live, I’ve found one thing that makes me whole. The love God has for me. The Son He gave to die, so I could live. So I could be right here, right now, at the foot of the cross, washing away the guilt and shame and crabbiness.
Asking to be forgiven. Asking for guidance. Asking for the right words to say. Asking for patience. Asking for mercy.
Thanking Him for the strength He granted as I could not find it this morning to face the day. Thanking Him for the love notes all around me. The giggles, the sun, the chirping birds, the songs on the radio, the clothes on my back, the hearts that look to me for love, the man God sent me to do life with, the friends I suck at being friends with, my family….
Thanking Him for finding me. Finding me today, and every time that I am lost. Every time it’s good and every time it’s not. Every time I run and hide. Every time my arms are wide open. Every time.
He never left. He waits. He offers mercy. He hugs you with grace. He will stand by as you embrace faith. Whatever it takes. A journey not always easy. But so worth it.
Embrace faith. Believe. Take it for yours. Joy. Victory. Happiness. Today. Tomorrow. In the midst of trial. On the road to success. Uphill or down. At the top. Or rock bottom.

Ok….
Attitude adjustment.
Check.
Humbled.
Check.
Smiling.
Check.
Glory to God.
Check.

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things [which He has called me to do] through Him who strengthens and empowers me [to fulfill His purpose—I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency; I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses me with inner strength and confident peace.]

Proverbs 17:22
A happy heart is good medicine and a joyful mind causes healing,
But a broken spirit dries up the bones.

Give Grace A Hug❤️

 

Am I the only mom who squeezes in her quiet time in the bathroom??? Like I tell the kids, “ok, mommy has to go to the bathroom, I’ll be back in a minute.” HA. I run, I escape, i scurry to put the lid down and just sit there. It really is the only place I can find silence some days. I can laugh now as I read this, but seriously, in the moment, it’s like the first taste of chocolate after a fast or that fresh breath of air as you step outside into the crisp morning…so sought. So necessary. So ridiculous. So me. After a phone conversation with someone I hold dear to my heart this morning, this someone I really haven’t talked to much at all lately, this someone who can always relate, this someone whom I’ve neglected to be a friend to, is struggling with the same things I am. 
It just hit me.

Us moms, us dads, us parents, be us single or married or be us working or not, be us in this together, but yet worlds away.
As I’m squeezing in my “potty time”, I rehash our conversation. All over the place, up, down, one subject to the next, different scenarios, yet we are both the same. 

Frazzled. Impatient. Feeling guilty. Wanting to be the best mom, wife, friend we can be, but struggling to get laundry done, chores, homework, free time, let alone read a book to our littlest without falling asleep, or listen to the stories of the day without our minds wandering all over the things we didn’t accomplish or the things we need to… 

Which brings me to this one statement we both agreed upon. 

I’m trying to find balance. 

Balance. 

What the heck is balance?

Define balance.

A condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions.

Hmmmm. 

Or this definition: an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady.

Ok, bear with me with one more: stability of one’s mind or feelings.

Balance. 

I’m still working on that.

Been thinking about it a lot.

Trying to find it, implement it, live it. 

How do we do it? 

How do we keep different elements of our lives in proportion? How do we balance extra curricular activities with the time left on the clock? How do we balance homework and prayer? Dinner and sports? Chores and sleep? Work and play? Where is the healthy balance? What do we let go of to maintain balance? Heck, to even find balance? Let alone maintain it. 

Which brings me to the thought of it’s no wonder I can’t keep my balance, I can’t stand up straight, because I’m so wrapped up in searching for it, how can I keep it? I fall over. Face first. I dip here, dabble there, never finish and am constantly treading to keep my balance. 

How do you stand up when you’re juggling life? When your own demons surface? When the silent inner battles are destroying the balance of your own two emotional feet, in the meantime, you are steady trying to balance kids and work and your spouse and life while longing for balance of your heart, your mind, your soul…

Balance. 

Somedays are so good I can’t keep my balance. Some days are so bad I can’t keep my balance. Somedays I can’t even balance the checkbook let alone throw in laundry, dry it, fold it and put it away. 

Let’s throw in eating healthy, exercising, showering, cooking, cleaning, working, playing. Sleep is overrated, right? 

Balance. 

This word just keeps haunting me. I want to find it. Shake it. Tell it to leave me alone. 

Dirty word balance. 

Maybe I like trying to walk around on one foot, all tipsy, teetering, swaying, grasping for balance….

Or maybe. I don’t. 

Maybe I’m always going to be searching for my balance. Life kinda knocks me off my feet now and again. Ok, maybe daily. Maybe one day I got this in the bag. Maybe the next day I don’t. I forget I’m human sometimes. I search for answers in the wrong places. I turn to find comfort in things I shouldn’t. I wall up. I hide. I give in. I fight. I walk away. I run. I fly. 

Trying to find balance. 

Balance with everything. 
My heart just aches for us. All of us. Who isn’t trying to find balance? Whether it’s because you work too many hours, your family life is strained? Or maybe it’s finding balance with prayer and time with God versus your morning exercise routine? Maybe it’s finding balance with kid time versus significant other time? I think we are all looking to find our balance while we surf the waves of life…

When we fall off of our board and just say screw it, I wanted to swim anyway….

That’s when we find balance. When we realize we will probably never perfect it. Not with a house full of children, mouths to be fed, sports to be played, homework to be written, chores to be tackled, a job to be worked, boo boos to be kissed. This is our balance. All outta whack. Upside down. Inside out. Perfectly insane. Yet perfect. With God’s grace, He will give us our balance. He will stand us up when we are about to topple over. He hears our hearts. He sees us tipping. He meets us where we are. He picks us up. He reminds us, through the simplest of things, like phone chats, that we’re not alone. We’re not alone in trying to find balance. We’re not alone in feeling like we’re not enough. We’re not alone in trying our hardest yet still failing. We aren’t alone. We never were. 

My heart cries out, but my voice overpowers, then my mind talks even louder. Thank God He hears my heart. He hears me asking for forgiveness for my impatience and short temper. He hears my sobs as I try to wash dishes, help with homework, attempt supper. He hears my longing for a friend to confide in. He hears my desire to be a better mom, spouse, friend, and a better me. He stands in front of me when I’m trying to avoid Him. He awakens me when I’m drifting off. He holds my hand when there is nothing else I can do but kneel, beg for guidance, mercy and grace. He is for me. He is for us. As parents, as families, as people. Trying to find balance in an unbalanced world. 

Maybe balance is in His hands and was never ours to begin with. Maybe His hands are all we need to keep that balance. Maybe with more grace, forgiveness and mercy, balance will seem more attainable. Maybe…

Maybe a little of God’s touch is all we need to balance our chaos, our voices, our hearts, our lives…

Maybe if we just gave grace a hug. Over and over and over. Again and again. Balance of the heart will become a reality. Grace will balance us. Steady us. Transform us. Shake us. Shape us. Balance us. Hold us. Move us. Upright us. 

Maybe…just maybe…Maybe I’ll take that chance. Maybe with Him, I’ll stop searching for balance, seek Him more and start seeing what’s right in front of me. Imperfection at it’s balanced best. 

Give Grace A Hug❤️

After reading my devotion this morning, I’m just sitting here like…like motionless, stuck to my seat, hands clasped, praying for life…praying for guidance, forgiveness, endurance, praying for peace, praying for comfort…Overwhelming would be an understatement some days…good or bad…long or short…big or little…my head has been spinning this past week or so with many thoughts…I could ask for nothing more, I couldn’t have a more beautiful family…our house isn’t a mansion but it’s ours, it’s warm, full of laughter and tears, joy and sorrow. Full of the pitter patter of little feet and the stomping of much larger…it rings in my head, the sounds of the dishwasher whirring, the TV murmuring, the voices going back and forth…it brings tears to my eyes to think about how I got here, how I’ve even made it this far…I sit in wonderment of every gift, every blessing, every prayer, answered or not, every moment that led to this moment right here, right now…I sit in awe of how it can be so. How did I get here? Why? Memories stir of chances I blew, of days when I didn’t think I would make it to the end, of heartache and sorrow, of all the times I didn’t deserve another day on this earth…of all the times somehow, someway I made it. The paycheck that came, or a friend lifted my spirits, my mom called, a sitter came through, that mailbox survived another night as I drove home when I shouldn’t have or drove home drowsy from third shift…or maybe I survived…I survived for a reason. A purpose. We spend all our lives searching for our purpose. Our mean. Our worth. Our fancy jobs, our slick cars, our designer shoes, our designer clothes, our fake relationships to climb that social ladder, our desire to appear better than we really are…but know what has really amazed me lately? None of that junk matters. It doesn’t matter if I’ve led a “perfect” life or sinned since the day I was able…it doesn’t matter if my car is new or so old it barely runs… It doesn’t matter if I’m cute or not, nice or not, funny or not…it doesn’t matter…what I’m amazed at is that it is nothing I’ve ever done or not done…the other day it just hit me like a brick. Pow. Smack. Ouch. In my face. It is nothing that I have done, it is not words I have spoken, actions I’ve taken, none of that…it is not my love for Him, it is His love for me. It is His love that picked me up, shook me, woke me…so many times I didn’t deserve His grace, a second chance, a fresh start. So many times. So many times I have wronged, I have been selfish, I have repeated the same mistake over and over and over and over….so many times. So many times I cried out in vain, thought no one was there, no one could hear me. Wrong. Again. He’s heard me. He’s heard me all this time. Even when I shook Him off, even when I screamed at Him for taking things and people I cared for. Even when I cried myself to sleep night after night feeling lost and alone. I wasn’t. I wasn’t. I really wasn’t. Without me even knowing, I wasn’t. He woke me. Day after day. Year after year. Failure after failure. He gave me life even when I didn’t want it any more. He led me here, where I am now. He knew my path way before I even thought I knew where I wanted to go. That to me is just gut wrenching. He knew exactly where to place me. He knew where to put me. Oh, believe, daily I struggle. I wrestle with things only He knows. But wow. To know I have a friend in Jesus has been life changing for me. To know I am a mess and He still loves me day in and day out. I can’t ask for anything more. I only want to be more like Him…I know I will never come close, but I will die trying. Every day I work on accepting I am His and this life He has given me is where I need to be. Where I can make a difference. Understanding that my purpose is exactly in this moment. It’s this life right now. It’s my family, my friends, that stranger I smile at, or the child that needs help tying his shoe. It’s the hug needed after a long day at work, it’s the meal on the table, the laundry folded, the cheering at the basketball game. That is my life. This is what He has given me. Embracing where I am, hugging Grace has changed me. Changed my life. My purpose. My challenge. To be more like Christ. Living in Him is a freedom unlike any freedom I have ever known. Grace is amazing. I can forgive my past, because He already has. Living in today, he is budging me from graceless to grace-shaped…I accept…hear that sigh of relief? Breathe. Deep. Take His hand. It is always there. 

Ephesians 2:8-9… For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast….

The day has started…coffee brewed, kids getting ready for school, sorta, lol…the whirlwind is about to begin…
I’m sneaking in a few moments of quiet before I start…to settle my heart, silence my anxiousness, renew my spirit. Inhale, exhale…again and again. As I draw in, as the air fills my lungs, it cleanses me, rejuvenates me, fills me…with life and a new start to another day. Another day. Thank you. Another day to appreciate my role, my kids, their hearts and my own, to breathe life into my family…
Please Lord, guard my words and my heart, keep me humble, gentle and kind. Lead me to the right things to say, as to encourage, not discourage, place a blanket on my friends and family as they approach this day. Breathe life into us all. Give us all strength and courage to continue on, to face, to be a blessing, to live, to laugh, to love and be loved…
As I exhale, please Lord remove the junk out of my heart…stay with me as I continue to grow, hold my hand when I fall, and lead me where you need me to be. Remove what’s keeping me from you, pull out the I can’ts and the doubt that clouds my ability. Pluck out those pesky thoughts of unworthiness and replace them with the truth that I’m enough and with you it’s all possible…
Please Lord hear us and fill us with what we are lacking, today and everyday. Restock our hearts with your grace, mercy and love, forgiveness and perseverance…It’s enough. With you, with faith, with grace, it’s enough. 
Thank God, it’s enough. 

Today I will be enough. 

With you, I am enough. 
Give Grace A Hug❤

I sit here this morning,
As the year comes to a close,
My mind is wandering,
Where is it time goes?

Tick tock, tick tock,
Says the clock.
Can’t I make it stop?
Can’t it slow down?
At least for a minute.
A second or so.
I mean really,
Seriously, where does time go?

How much time did I waste?
Spending it with hurry and haste.
How much time did I lose to my fear?
I swear I’m not doing it again this year.
Sometimes I wonder if I sold my time out.
Worrying and waiting,
In the throws of doubt.
Forgetting I believe in the promises from above,
How many times did He give me a shove?
In a different direction than the one I had planned.
You know the way I thought I knew how?
The way I mapped out.
The map I drew.
Funny.
I forgot He already knew.
He knew I’d be here at this moment,
Pondering my life.
Questioning it all,
Thinking of the past.

I remember how I’m so small.
As humble as I try to be,
As patient as I am,
I forget I am nothing without the death of this man.
Humble.
Let’s not forget what He did for us.
Giving His life to rescue and save,
So we would no longer be slaves.
So we could live.
A new life found,
An old life gone,
Left at the foot,
With the ashes and soot,
As the old me burned to the ground,
No longer lost,
But found.

But why am I still experiencing fear?
Why am I petrified to move?
To get out,
To push on?
Let me be clear.
The face I show is none like the one that is real.
As I talk and smile and move through the day,
I battle the voices that tell me to stay.
That tell me I’m not enough and never will be.
That freeze me in doubt,
And pierce my soul,
That hold me still and taunt me.
Filling my head with things I don’t need,
I am my own worst enemy.
The battle with evil is real my friends.
Taking what’s good till you believe it’s not.
The enemy will drag you down till he’s all you got.
Even when you still believe,
If he sees an inch,
He will proceed to deceive.
Till you believe the lies told about yourself,
About others.
About life.
About how perfect it’d be if you just give up.
Surrender to him,
He says in your ear.
Ahhhhh, come on, It’s a new year.
Lets start fresh, together, hand in hand.
Lets do all the things that you never planned.
Lets hang on to the fear and doubt.
Lets keep thinking you’re never enough.
Wow.
This is tough.

I’m tired, so tired of not living life.
Being stifled by fear,
Overcome with strife.
Man, I didn’t get saved to live like this.
To hide in a corner,
Till it’s safe to come out.

Forget that.
I’m done.
Enemy be gone.
Leave me alone for good,
I proclaim.
I give you no room to work here any longer.
I give you no room to touch the lives of those I love.
Even myself.
Leave me alone.
By the power of the blood.
In Jesus’s name.
Wash it all away,
Right here.
Right now.
I declare my victory.
Alone I have no power,
But with the blood I certainly do.
I forget with salvation,
I’ve already won.
Eternity is mine.
Life here on earth will go on.
Good things.
Bad.
Happy.
Sad.
Life.
Death.
Victory.
Defeat.
Repeat.

I’m not not going into this new year with a plan.
I’m going in knowing I have HIs hand.
His hand to hold when it gets tough,
To pick me up when I’ve had enough.
HIs hand to guide me to the wisdom I need,
To continue watering the seed.
To point me in the direction I should go,
To hug me when I’m sad,
To calm me when I’m mad.
To nudge me when I’m feeling lost,
To absolutely love me without a cost.

Now that’s the best part.
Knowing I’m loved.
Regardless of the failure I’ve become.
Regardless of the things I’ve done.
Regardless of the wrongs I never made right.
Regardless of the times I took flight.
Regardless of my stubbornness and will.
He’s still there.
The same as before.
Before I knew Him.
Before I cared.
Before I wondered.
Before I was found.
He pulled me up from the dirty ground.
He saved me then,
He can save me now.
He can.
He will.
Although I’ll always wonder how,
Although it’s a mystery,
I’ll never doubt the grace that saved me.
That feeling of love and peace,
In that moment,
And still,
Washed over me then,
Is washing over me now.
As I write,
I remember,
The victory is won.
Death is defeated.
Sin washed away.
Then and today.
Declare it’s yours.
Reach out your hand.
He’s waiting on you to take your stand.
To give Him your heart,
To open it up,
To fill it full,
To repair your broken,
Your hurts,
Your guilt.
Give it to Him,
He’ll give you His grace in return.
He’ll hug you tight.
Right now and tonight.
He’ll wrap you up in mercy and love.
Just give grace a chance.
Please…
Give Grace…
Give Grace A Hug❤️

 

 

This popped up on my Facebook memories yesterday. From two years ago. Amazing how so much has changed, yet so little. I’m literally standing in the same situation right now as I was two years ago. The only constant is the love from my Heavenly Father. It has remained. And the grace. The never ending grace that has faithfully renewed my heart in all moments. Moments of silence. Moments in the noise. Moments  when all there was left to do was jump.

Holding my breath, praying to God…

On any of my posts I write, it comes from the bottom of my heart, from broken moments with the deepest of feeling. The moments when I’m slouched against the kitchen cabinets, begging for mercy. There are times in life that are just hard. Situations are tough, relationships are tough, saying no is tough, lending a hand is tough, love is tough. There are days when the walls of hurt and shame and guilt and fear and doubt and anger and remorse and flat out pain crash at your door all day long. It only takes a second for these emotions to invade our hearts that started with such good intention just hours ago. In times like these lately I find myself thinking of a moment that happened a few weeks ago.

Have you ever caught your two year old jumping from the top step of the stairs? How they trust fully and hop into your arms with no fear or doubt that you won’t catch them? How they leap with all their might and just smile when you catch them and giggle all the way down? How when they are that age they don’t know fear or hate or doubt. They trust fully in us to catch them. I’ve been comparing this to how I would like my faith to be. Childlike. Like the faith that my child has in me. They are ever so trusting and fearless because we nurture that. We show them that. Isn’t that how we as believers should fall into our Father’s arms? Not just in bad times but in all times. In moments of fear and brokenness as well as moments of happiness and joy. Trusting. Fearless. Falling ever so deep into the love and grace and mercy that we as humans struggle to share with one another? Especially in the “adult” world.

If he can’t catch us, who will???

We find that people are tangible and relationships end. That good deeds almost always go unnoticed and that suffering is part of this process we call life. I feel He called us here for a reason. Our position is of the utmost importance. While there are days when it seems He is no where to be found, He really is right there. He doesn’t stray, we do. We take this thing we call the “world” into our own hands. We fix and bandaid and coddle and deny. We push and pull and drag until we find we can’t “fix” these things on our own anymore. Divine intervention. Stumbling to our knees. Begging for truth and mercy. I’m really there today. Asking for forgiveness in my shortcomings.

Change me Lord…

Guide me Lord for I’m weak and without answers.

Take me by the hand Lord, like a little child, and lead me through these rough waters…

I know there will be glory on the other side Lord because I have faith in your plan. This is not always easy to do. My plan isn’t always “the plan”. Lord grant me the patience to ride this storm out with your grace and mercy leading the way.

Looking for a scripture, I found this. Zephaniah 3:17: “The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”

That’s everything I needed to hear…His love is so strong and mighty that he can quiet my fears, He will love so strongly I will be silenced by his grace. Hushed by his presence. I can rest in his arms…Mmmm…Peace and comfort of that like a child cuddled in it’s mommy’s arms. Jumping from that step. Not afraid, but armed with the love of God…

Thank you Lord…

Grace could be tired today, for I have hugged it nonstop…..

Give Grace A Hug❤️

GO GET IT!!! WAIT. Maybe I still got it. Maybe I just folded it up with a million, tiny creases and shoved it in my pocket. Shoved it in my pocket so far down. Buried under the pocket fuzz. Pushed so far down I forget it was even there. Buried under life. Smothered by fear. Washed over and over again just like the endless loads of laundry at my feet. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Get up. Fall down. Believe. Don’t. Fearless. Fearful. Regrets. Remorse. Pain. Purpose. Buried. At the bottom of myself. Where did I go? Where have I been? I’ve forgotten how to laugh. And I’ve forgotten how much I love to laugh. I’ve forgotten that giggles and sticky fingers and schoolwork and dirty floors used to be my mantra. What has happened to me? 

Life. Fear. Fear of everything. Anxiousness. Control. Lack of control. Loss of passion. Loss of self. Wrapped up in sheets. Covered in sheets. Smothered in sheets. Tangled. Sheets of grief. Sheets of anger. Sheets of fear and loss. Sheets of depression and stress. Sheets of unforgiveness. The same sheets I thought were keeping me warm and shielding me, protecting me and blanketing me, are, ARE SMOTHERING ME. With every breath suffocating the life I used to love. My life I used to love. Love. I used to love. I used to. 

I can’t count the times I’ve been knocked down and got back up. Fell down and got back up. Pushed myself down and got back up. Let myself fall and got back up. Tripped and got back up. Stumbled and got back up. Mistake after mistake and got back up. Choice after bad choice and got back up. 

I can’t count. 

Endless. 

I seem to have shoved myself into my own pocket and forgotten who I am. 

Who I want to be. 

Who’s I am. 

I can’t live down there any more.

Squished and squeezed. 

Buried. 

Just begging to get out, but I can’t even hear my own pleas. 

Grace. 

If it wasn’t for grace.

Thank God for saving grace. 

He hears my pleas. 

Sends me grace.

Sheets of grace.

Time and time again. 

You never know when it might wash over you, or cover you or save you….

But you will feel it. 

It hugs you. Warms you. Renews you. Blankets you. Comes in so many ways, so many shapes and so many forms. 

Wash. Rinse. Repeat. 

As many times as you feel dirty and unclean, grace will cleanse your soul. Rinse away your dirt…

Repeat. Over and over and over if necessary. When necessary. Always necessary. 

Let grace in. 

Allow it to seep in your brokenness, let it fill your pockets, wash your dirty sheets, and cleanse your soul, standing you back up on your feet again. And again. And again.

Let grace in.

Let it in.

Give it.

Give grace.

Give Grace A Hug❤️

If you’ve been told you have to earn God’s grace, you’ve been mislead. Grace is a gift. Can you accept a gift? Whether it’s a gift for your birthday, or say a gift for your hard work, or maybe a gift for no reason, unexpected from a dear friend…Could you accept those gifts if they were handed to you? Would you deny those gifts or would you be open enough to freely accept those gifts? Gracious enough to accept those gifts? What? Gracious enough? Yes, gracious. Kind, courteous, pleasant…expressing polite surprise. That’s kinda what grace is. A polite surprise. Grace. God’s way of intervening. A gift. A pleasant gift. Sometimes unexpected, always kind, undeserved, and never earned. A gift. From me to you, in spite of our differences, our life choices, our habits or addictions, our shortcomings, our choices, our location, our place in life. The only requirement is that you be you, in this second, this moment, this hour, whatever time it is in your life, and accept the gift, accept the gift of grace. Do you have any reason to doubt the sincerity of the gift of grace as would you doubt the sincerity of the gift given by a friend? That’s grace. A gift given by our friend Father God, no questions asked, for nothing you did or did not do. It’s available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, non-stop, whenever you’re ready to accept it. Time and time again. Grace saves us from our sins, meets us at our time of need, offers us courage, strength and wisdom. It doesn’t matter if it’s your last resort or the first thing you run to. It matters that you came, open to accepting His love, His mercy, His forgiveness, His gift. His gift of grace. A gift that’s hard to deny…Give Grace a hug❤️
Isaiah 30:19How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you.