How has it been almost three years, Mom? Mother’s Day is not the same. Hell. No day is the same without you. Miss you. Happy Mother’s Day in heaven❤️
From May 2015:
It’s with a heavy heart I’m approaching the morning… Honestly, I’m not sure how to feel. I’ve been blessed beyond words with being able to be a mom to four beautiful children and also the gift of a grandchild, who is like my own. For this, I celebrate. They are my rainbow to the storm, sometimes they are storm, they are the sprinkles on my ice cream, they are God’s precious gifts meant for me. They teach me daily how to be better, to love unconditionally, to be more patient…ahhhh, the tears are rolling already. This won’t be easy….This will be the first Mother’s Day I’m going to be without my Mom here along side of me. At this time last year, she had just gotten out of ICU, into a room a bit more comfortable, although her comfort was only achieved by pain meds that could kill a horse. We found out not too long before this, she had colorectal cancer. Long story short, she opted for hospice…what a bittersweet moment knowing she decided to not even fight, even a little, but to also know, someday soon, she would return to a much better place, her pain gone, her soul laid to rest. It was hard to let her give up, it was hard to watch her suffer, it was even harder to know she was on her way out…
Circumstances came about that she actually spent her last weeks in my home. Wow. Now, as I look back, everyday there was a new challenge. I remember the day she arrived, my heart beamed, just like any other day when your Mom comes to visit. Visit. I guess you could call it that. Taking care of someone that has opted for hospice, is a task unlike any other. It requires, strength, patience, endurance, dedication, but most of all it takes love. A hell of a lot of love. And somehow also take care of my family as well. It’s no wonder a lot of this time is a blur, I didn’t have time to think…But as I sit here now, recollecting the memories of this time, I see how much she needed me. How I was her lifeline, her link to everything. Funny how life comes full circle. Waiting on her hand and foot, changing her colostomy bag, pain meds, baths, turn the tv up, turn the tv down, change the channel, I’ll take some more fruit and yogurt…these things I provided for her were her everything. How would she have been comfortable without this care? How am I supposed to be comfortable without my Mom? How selfish of me, I think out loud. How selfish of me. My heart breaks thinking of all the times she was unselfish for me. The times when she placed her own needs aside to provide for us. It was the least I could do, to care for her in her last days. The least I could do.
For me, I see what God was doing in my life before this time. He pulled me in, He found me before this, to prepare me, to be with me…many other things going on at this same time, He knew I was going to need Him. In the greatest way. It was only through God given strength I made it. Little sleep, countless cups of coffee, kids asking to play, household duties…an endless list. But somehow He provided me with everything I needed. He gave me the courage to stand even at my weakest moments. He guided me, somehow to, even at wits end, to still prepare supper, enjoy my kids, take care of my Mom, still be there for my family. Ahhhh, some days, no one knows but Him and I how taxed I really was. How spent and drained and detached I had become. What a task He sent me on.
But, as I think, I mean as mothers, isn’t that we are called to do? Provide. Take care. Nourish. Raise children. Prepare. Love. Give. Hurt. Cry. Teach. I don’t have a lot of childhood memories of the good stuff. That’s just another piece of my puzzle. But one piece I never doubted was the love I have always felt from my Mom. Whether she agreed or not, liked me or not, did or did not approve of my life choices, she never turned her back on me. Maybe even when she should have. She continued to love me through some of the hardest times of my own life. Taking care of her during her last breaths was the least, absolute least, I could do in return for her selfless, unwavering love she me showered me with till the day God called her home. Till the day, that moment, as we held hands, her breath slowed to a stop, and her grip on this earthly life released.
You know, a part of me went with her that day. I’ll never be the same. What a huge piece of my heart. Damn it, if I was too selfish to see it before she left. In no way will she ever be replaced. A piece of my puzzle, that I’d like to think is in heaven, gone till we meet again one day. Oh, how I can’t wait…
But for now, the fact of the matter is, her legacy of love continues. It lives in me. Her love will always be with me. I’d be lying if I said that thought is always enough. Somedays it’s really not. It doesn’t replace her in any way. But what is enough, is that in this process, somehow I stumbled on the love of Jesus Christ. I can’t say I like her being gone, not in the least. But I can say that now, now I know I won’t ever be alone again, and on those hard days, when her memory doesn’t quite get it, I can rest in the palm of His grace, His mercy, find comfort in His unending love, not unlike that same love, that same unending love of my mother’s….
Mom, you are forever in my heart, may your soul rest, I love you…
Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mommas out there!!!
Give Grace A hug!!!
Lamentations 3:31-33 “For no one is cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone.”