I really wasn’t going to write about this today, 

But feel like I have to say, 

Say that I’m okay.
Okay as I’ll get for remembering those hours,
Okay as I’ll get for you not being around,
Okay.
Okay.
Don’t make a sound.
Hear that?
Nothing.
So lost, yet found.
Fumbling through recalling our last minutes together,
Reaching for a picture of you in my mind,
A memory,
A laugh,
A hug,
A kiss,
I’m fine.
I lay here as sleep escapes me,
Eyes heavy,
Heart even more,
Mmmmmm….
Mom.
Wish you could walk through that door.
As I put my hand on my chest,
Struggling for the air to get through,
All of a sudden,
I detest.
I’m mad.
I’m hurt.
I’m pissed you left.
I’m encompassed with guilt and pain and shame.
I’m inhaling the things I didn’t say,
I’m choking on them in the same way,
I’m spitting out all the words left unsaid,
I’m trying to breathe and it hurts like hell,
My ribs ache,
My heart is pounding,
My chest is heaving,
My memory of you leaving.
It’s all I can think of,
Your breath was so labored,
Then so gentle,
So soft,
Till it eased,
Eased to a stop.
Time of death I can’t even remember,
How the hell did I hold it together?
Was it from all the years of shoving my feelings aside?
Did I practice so much it was easy to hide?
Your hand in mine,
As your life ended,
Oh my gosh it hurts,
My heart is not mended.
The seams that hold your spot are worn,
Sometimes they unravel,
Then grief is reborn.
The thread is dangling loosely in the wind,
Swaying back and forth,
Back and forth,
Begging to be put back together,
With its needle and thread,
How do I even begin to admit you’re dead?
Dead.
Damn.
That’s harsh.
But true.
Dead.
What a word.
What the hell do I do?
I lay here and think till it hurts.
I lay here and pray.
Pray for peace.
I lay here and say tomorrow.
Tomorrow will be a new start.
I lay here and picture your smile.
I lay here and picture your heart.
I lay here.
I lay here and wonder where do I start?
I lay here and type and sob and whimper.
I lay here.
I lay here and start praying to God.
God help me to grasp that your will…
Your will is what’s good.
Your will is what’s right.
Please…
God…
Give me the peace…
The peace I need to rest tonight.
The peace I need to keep on,
The peace I need to face tomorrow.
The peace I need to battle the sorrow.
The peace I need to breathe once again.
The peace I need to go up against sin.
Lord.
Speak to me.
Whether it’s loud or still small.
Lord.
Grab me and shake me and open my heart to Your call.
Speak to me now.
Speak to me then.
Speak to me over and over again.
Till I get it.
Till I learn.
Till I grasp it.
Till I try.
Till I hear Your voice.
Till I make the right choice.
Till I cry.
Till I laugh.
Till I understand.
Understand?
Life?
Impossible.
When?
Never.
I gave that up long ago.
Sometimes I tend to be clever.
Your will.
Hmmmm…
The power in forgiveness.
The sense of acceptance in Your embrace.
The feeling of love when met by Your grace.
The peace I walk in when I put it all to the cross.
The price that was paid.
I’m at a loss.
How did He do it?
He suffered.
He died.
To give me life.
A new life at that.
There is nothing I could ever do to earn that much love.
It is given.
Freely.
From the man above.
As a gift,
So to speak,
A blessing,
A sign,
A reminder this life was never mine.
A reminder to walk in love.
A reminder to walk in faith.
A reminder to believe.
Believe in His grace.
A reminder to believe.
Believe that it’s mine.
A reminder to believe.
Believe I’m forgiven.
A reminder to forgive.
A reminder to live.
A reminder to walk.
Forward.
One step at a time.
Hand in hand.
No looking behind.
Cherish the now as it is right before me.
The present a gift.
The past is just that.
The hope of tomorrow.
I miss ya mom.
I definitely do.
But I know in my heart the love that’s for you.
I know in my heart the love I have found.
A Father like no other,
A daughter I am crowned.
A princess, so to speak, of the King most high.
I’m gonna cry.
But this time not of sadness.
No.
Not of grief.
Not of madness.
Not of guilt.
Not of shame.
Not of remorse.
Not of hurt.
No.
But of joy,
But of laughter,
But of the memories made,
But of the time spent,
But of the son who was heaven sent,
But of a grace that picked me up time and time again,
But of forgiveness of my sin,
But of the best is yet to come.
No matter how dark,
No matter how gray,
Tomorrow is another day.
Lost and found,
Left and right,
Good and bad,
Day and night,
Back and forth,
To and fro.
Mom.
I love you so.
I miss you more.
There are days I’m at my best.
There are days I’m nothing but a mess.
There are days I’m shiny and happy and glad,
There are days when I’m nothing but mad.
There are days when the sun is bright,
There are days when it’s gloomy and dull.
There are days when I can handle it all.
Then there are days.
Days like today.
When I can’t handle much.
Days as such.
When your memory haunts me till I crumble,
Fall to my knees.
I Mumble.
God, help me back up.
God, I repent.
God, meet me half way,
God, I’m spent.
God, if you’ll meet me at all,
God, can you hear me??? 

Do you hear my call? 

Do you hear me???

Do you hear me at all???
Without you I’m nothing. 

Nothing at all.
Thank you Lord for your saving grace,
Thank you for that special place,
At the foot of the cross,
Where all can be lost,
Where new life is found,
Where death no longer wins,
Where love forgives sins,
Where I find myself more often than not,
Hugging grace,
Embracing faith,

Giving it all I got.

Even when it seems that’s all I got,
Man, it seems, I hug it a lot.

They call it grace.

Thank God it’s free. 

Thank God it’s for me.

For us.

For all.

Give Grace.

Give Grace A Hug❤️